Disguised as Something Clever

Manila Moon

2008-08-12T18:46:00.000-07:00

New Blog! ---> http://manilamoon.blogspot.com

RIP Disguised as Something Clever
2004-2008

the heavy heart

2008-03-30T02:21:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I am positive that I am misunderstood 85% of the time that I communicate. Especially with people that I love. Especially those. I wish I could change this. I know that I can, though. So I'm not sure why I chose to use the word "wish". Therein lies the real problem, I believe.

I choose my words poorly. I speak before I think. I must be more deliberate if I ever hope to truly get my point across.

Right now, my head hurts so terribly bad. I would say that I am tremendously sad, if it weren't for the amazing things that God has been doing in my life. I wish that I could re-do alot of the things that I've done during this school year (There, I think that is the way the word "wish" should be used). I salute the concept that my freshman year in college is a learning year. Oh, how I've learned. I just feel like I have made alot of really stupid decisions that I've learned not to make many times in the past. But maybe that's what learning is - learning and re-learning and then learning some more. It has begun to get old, so I'd like to fervently seek to overcome some obstacles in my life during the next few weeks. I appreciate your prayers so much.

Spring break has come and gone in a blur. It seems like just yesterday that I was loading up my car and hitting the open road toward 10 days of unadulterated freedom and all the sand and sunshine any boy could ask for. And here I sit, 5:30 on Sunday morning, the day that I am packing back up and beginning the long drive back to Nashville. The break was good and much needed, though. The weather at the beach was a little bit chilly for my liking, but I enjoyed getting away from everything/one for awhile. I'm looking forward to seeing what the rest of this semester has in store for me. I've been on my toes every since I've gotten to Belmont, and things always seem to be surprising me, so I'm sure that I have an eventful month ahead of me before summer officially begins.

love, steven.

i write to keep the sleep away

2008-03-02T01:41:00.000-08:00

So I'm in Knoxville for the weekend...

(I thought that maybe if I started this post off casually, maybe I could avoid the uncomfortable awkwardness of posting for the first time in a really long time. I was wrong.)

But I really am in Knoxville for the weekend. I'm actually leaving tomorrow (Which is actually today) to go back to Nashville. It's hard to believe how quickly this year has gone by. Am I seriously 1/4 of the way through college? I guess staying busy has helped to pass the time. I've certainly been busy, as indicated by my last post... and by the date of my last post.

I have not intentionally neglected blogging. I've just had to get acclimated to this brand new environment that is Belmont University. I think that I'm getting to the point where I can balance academics, music, social things, and blogging and still stay sane. But I guess we'll have to see about the blogging part. I can't make any promises, but I can definitely say that I have been inspired by Kristian, Anna, Troy, and now Justin (who has recently joined the blogging world. congratulations) to keep up the writing. So that is what I intend to do.

By the way, since I last posted, my entire family has visited me in Nashville! A few weekends ago, my parents, grandma, and two little brothers were able to visit. And last weekend, Leah, Anna, Kristian, Justin, Andy, Abby, Troy, Elsie, Matias, and Judah came to see me! It was wonderful being able to share with them my new "home" (whatever that means) and let them meet some of my friends here. They were also able to see me play a couple of shows with the Kopecky Family Band (http://www.myspace.com/kopeckyfamilyband).

It's nearly 5 AM here in Knoxville. I have been tossing and turning in bed for a little bit and thought that maybe it was time to break my blogging silence. Maybe now my spirit will be able to rest easy in this cold dark room in which it is dwelling.

Here's a picture for you, though. Goodnight my dear friends.

(Photo courtesy of Lauren Maus)
This was at a house show at my friend Ive's house. It was great fun.

2007-10-08T19:27:00.000-07:00

i've been busier than i ever expected for the last couple of weeks. school + social interaction + music + music + school = no time to even think about writing on here. lately i've been wondering what the real benefit of my writing on here is. i suppose i've been inspired to question these things by one of Kristian's recent blogs (http://tjemsland.blogspot.com). I have really been meaning to do more with this page; honestly, i've been hoping to even fashion a new page design. however, with my recent lack of time to do such things (see formula above), it has been impossible for me to do so.

today i went cliff jumping and cut my foot on a piece of glass, but i'm okay.
right now i'm watching donnie darko with some friends.
i mainly wanted everyone to know that i'm alive
and prospering.

yeah

2007-09-09T22:18:00.000-07:00

home!

2007-09-01T10:03:00.001-07:00

this is going to be a pretty short post, because i'm not really in the mood to write. but there are a few things that i'd like to address.

1. i am in greenwood for the weekend (labor day!) and i go back to nashville on monday. yeehoo. i'm happy to be home for a bit.
2. you may have noticed that my blog has changed in a couple of very small ways. all of my links that were on the side have disappeared and my comments have changed.
3. in the next couple weeks, a new blog will be born, and will probably be found at a new address as well. just give it time.

okay, bye.

20 minutes

2007-08-29T11:41:00.000-07:00

I have twenty minutes until my next class starts. I'm sitting outside the classroom as we speak. I can't remember why I got here so early. I guess it's because I've been in such a rush lately, I thought it would be nice to relax a little bit. I need to do it more often. So far, every sentence that I have written in this post (Besides this one) has started with some form of "I". That's depressing.

The book that I am reading right now (besides academic ones) is called "A Heartbreaking Work of Staggering Genius". The author is Dave Eggers. Sometimes I really enjoy his writing style. But sometimes it really frustrates me. The times that I enjoy it, I think it is due to his candor in the way that he writes. It sometimes frustrates me because I think sometimes it reminds me of myself. Most of the writing revolves around the main character (Who I believe is Dave Eggers, himself). While this is a realistic view (Because most people's thoughts revolve around themselves. I emphasize "most"), it is also a disheartening one. It brings to light how little I really think of others. And though I feel like I do a pretty good job of being considerate, I'm pretty sure that I don't do as good of a job as I'd like to think. Don't misunderstand me, though. Because thus far, this book is one of my favorites ever. It is really an eye-opener, though. I'd advise most people to read it. But not everyone. I especially wouldn't recommend it to anyone sensitive to foul language. Because there is a hefty portion of it in the book. Dave Eggers is a very skilled writer, though.
(I'm only halfway through. For what it's worth.)

Exactly ten minutes.

Directly after this class is over, at around 2:50, I will walk from this building to Maddox. I will spend about an hour working on math, and then hopefully join up with a friend to spend some time reading. I am learning to not be in a hurry. I mentioned that in the post prior to this one. But everyday, I see more and more how important it is.

I am waiting expectantly for the arrival of the used books that I ordered last week. I feel a strange bond to pregnant mothers who await the arrival of their unborn child; no one really knows when it will arrive, but it certainly has taken far too long. I hope to never again write such an awkward similie. I'm sorry.

Class is about to start, I think.

the shadows and the light

2007-08-28T06:11:00.000-07:00

Yeah. I think it's time for bed.

I like your sundress

2007-08-27T10:17:00.001-07:00

Ben Kweller knows how to rock and roll.
I gave him a hug on Friday night.
He was more than willing to accept the embrace and to return it.
But he made it very clear before we hugged that he was "nasty".
I think he was talking about how sweaty he was after playing onstage.
He was very friendly and a little bit shorter than I imagined he would be.
But now that I think about it, I never really had a notion of his height. So I guess it doesn't matter.

He played really well. His vocal performance was one of the best that I've seen in awhile. It's kind of a gamble with vocals, these days. I appreciate Ben Kweller so much more knowing that what he does on record is exactly what he can do onstage. He played a pretty good mix of songs from his three albums. I have to say, though, I enjoyed the selections from "Sha Sha" the best. I think probably because I have such a history with that album. I'm sure lots of people do, too. It's really a great album. His newest album is great, too. And I really appreciate the second album more now that I got to hear some of the songs live.

Nashville is certainly a good place for music. I don't think I'll ever be in a position where I'm trying to find a show to go to but cannot find one. It's more likely that there will be too many shows to go to, and my wallet will catch on fire due to such intense use.

I think I'm going to go see the Rentals play with Copeland this Friday. Can you believe that? The Rentals! "If you're friends with P, well then you're friends with me". That's right.

I leave you with this picture which will act as proof of my contact with B. Kweller.

happy birthday.

2007-08-25T12:25:00.000-07:00

i first posted here in august of 2004.
it is now august 2007.

we've come far, and still have so far to go.
happy third birthday, my little blog.

new additions

2007-08-24T17:03:00.001-07:00

You may have noticed this, but you probably didn't. I just added two new friends to my links on the right.

Stephen Stallings is a musician (and oh, so much more).

Jenilee Thornton is a photographer and a visual arts major. She likes funfetti cake, too.

that's all. check them out. i'm going to see ben kweller tonight. i'll be sure to tell you all about it.

Maddox 117

2007-08-24T10:24:00.000-07:00

Here I sit in my brand new home. The sun outside is unbearably hot. It's a good day to be indoors. Unless there is a river nearby that is good for swimming in. I don't know of any (Which certainly doesn't mean that one doesn't exist).

It has almost been a week since I first arrived here in Nashville. In some ways it feels like it has been a year that has passed. In some ways, it feels like only a matter of moments. But I like it here. I have quickly realized how little I really know about music, and how much I want to know. I'm surrounded by brilliant musicians, artists, teachers, and most of all, friends. This is a season of change.

I am happy to report that every morning, without fail, my body has woken me before my alarm clock has had a chance to erupt into it's apocalyptic buzzes of death. I am so grateful. My alarm clock buzz somehow has the ability to make it so much harder for me to wake up in the morning.

I think i'll write some more later. I'm going to go eat lunch.

ready, set, interpret

2007-08-24T10:21:00.000-07:00

sky blue sky

2007-08-22T08:17:00.001-07:00

I might be a bit late on this one, but everyone needs this album.

By the way, it has been exactly a lifetime since I last posted anything. And during the lifetime that transpired between my last post and now, I moved from the Philippines back to South Carolina and now to Nashville, Tennessee. I'll write more about all of that later.

For now, go do yourself a favor and buy "Sky Blue Sky".

Where does the time go?

2007-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

It is really hard for me to believe that I have been living here in the Philippines for the past five months. It is even harder to believe that I am leaving tomorrow morning to return to South Carolina. I should really be sleeping right now, but I'm quite restless.

Tomorrow is my last day here for quite a long time. The reality of this statement never really hit me until the moment that I typed it and reread the words. I don't know when I'll be back here, but it certainly won't be anytime soon. That thought makes it a little bit harder to leave.

The Arcade Fire

2007-04-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

I have owned their first album, Funeral, for quite some time, and I really never got into it. However, their new album, Neon Bible really caught my attention. Now, I'm finally seeing the beauty of Funeral. Check out The Arcade Fire here.

(oh, and they have a really awesome website)

the case of the midnight dog baby

2007-04-20T04:41:00.000-07:00

Last night - or should I say very, very early this morning - I made contact with a critter so otherworldly I am somewhat afraid to even write about, for fear that it may return to haunt me during a future night, seeking to settle some sort of score. However, I value your entertainment over my nighttime safety, so I will tell the story anyway.

I was having a fairly difficult time reaching the state of slumber last night. I tossed and turned and rolled and rustled, but couldn't seem to find a comfortable enough position. As it was nearing 2am, my brain decided that it did not care what position my body was in, and was going to shut down whether the rest of me was ready or not. I let my eyes begin to close and my body relax, and at that moment, I felt a cold wind blow across my skin as I heard the squeaky growl of something that sounded like a prepubescent dingo of the night, coming from somewhere near the foot of my bed. If I didn't know better, I would have thought that the little creature had jumped onto my bed and was somewhere burrowing under my sheets, emitting his unpleasant snarl as he wiggled his way closer to me. Just in case of such a situation, I swiftly began beating the area of mattress surrounding all sides of my body. My flailing fists made no contact with any lurking beasts.

I fumbled around for my cellphone, which was somewhere on my bedside table, along with a full glass of water (which my panicked hands somehow managed to avoid knocking across the room). I figured that the cellphone light was my most available source of light without me having to actually touch my feet to the ground, which would have given the little dingo the chance to nibble at my toes. I nervously shined my brave cellphone light around the room, expecting to see the grinning eyes of some fur-covered wolfbaby crouched in the corner, preparing to leap into bed with me.

I had no intentions of exiting my bed until daybreak after not finding my perpetrator by the beam of my cellphone light. The truth is, I honestly didn't want to find whatever creature it was that emitted those wistful snorts at me through the inky darkness. I resorted to mummifying myself in my bedsheet by rolling my entire body tightly inside it, so that if my visitor returned, he wouldn't be able to make direct contact with my body- at least not right away. The more I thought about this, the less it comforted me. I realized how vulnerable I was having my hands restricted so tightly at my side. If perhaps the beast returned and were to dance about around my head, I would have no way of swatting him away with my hands, if they were bound to my waist. I unwrapped myself and prayed that whatever had been in my room would realize my innocence and good-nature and leave me be.

I quickly reached a level of fatigue when not even the cry of a forlorn dogchild could have kept me awake. My eyes apprehensively closed, and I drifted to sleep, never again to be visited by my unidentified intruder.

william fitzsimmons

2007-04-15T07:01:00.000-07:00

"william came into music much in the same way that the von trapp children did: he was utterly forced to. the youngest child of two blind parents, william was surrounded by ominous instruments and brilliant sounds ranging from pianos, classical guitars, recorders, and the family pipe organ which was played as william and his sibling would attempt to find rest for the night. the household record player rotated at a steady 78 rpms, and was constantly spinning classical orchestral and organ works, while being replaced on occasion by the folk music of joni mitchell, bob dylan, james taylor, and other contemporaries of the time. besides those early stylings which formed the base of his melodic sense and love of reflective music, fitzsimmons claims influences ranging from nick drake, elliott smith, iron and wine, sufjan stevens, to aimee mann, patty griffin, ben gibbard, and sun kil moon."

click here for more.

i am usually fairly skeptical when it comes to listening to new artists. especially artists who are sort of wading into a genre that was defined by another particular artist. i heard about william fitzsimmons several months ago. i dismissed him. i figured that i could live with one Sam Beam in my life. this afternoon, i gave mr. fitzsimmons another chance, and was pleasantly surprised. i began listening to his music after completely clearing my mind of any thought regarding iron and wine. and it helped.

take about five minutes (if you have it) and visit his myspace page. listen to any of the songs. i like them all.

a few things

2007-04-12T10:28:00.000-07:00

It won't be long before I begin my fifth and final month being in the Philippines, and all that this blog has to show for it is five measly posts. Counting this one, it will be six. As you can all see, this has been near the bottom of my priority list. It turns out that as much as I enjoy writing and such things, I apparently don't like it enough to keep this page updated. To me, it is in the same category as writing emails. I don't typically enjoy recounting all of the experiences that I have been living from a day-to-day basis. So, after being inspired by my brother-in-laws page (whose link will soon be updated), I have decided to begin posting on things that actually interest me, rather than my daily life, which happens to become a bit dull when I am made to re-enact it through text.

With this change in theme, I cannot promise that I will be any more consistent in posting. But at least I'll have a better reason to post than to write about myself. How refreshing.

still

2007-03-25T06:09:00.000-07:00

as fate would have it, tonight my schedule is free. i can take my time doing just about anything that i please. in all honesty, i cannot recall the last time that i felt such freedom. since i arrived in january, it seems that nearly every minute of my days have been filled with some sort of activity. i have to admit that i am enjoying this night of stillness.

____________

i have never been fond of those little personality tests that are often given to people to classify "what kind of person" someone is. how can a silly test accurately determine a person's demeanor? of course, they aren't all wrong. i can clearly see how some facets of these tests can be correct, and i have noticed for myself how they have accurately describe little pieces of my personality.

but people are changing.

people are always changing.

his faith sprawled out on the lawn

2007-03-01T19:51:00.000-08:00

I am growing weary of the lack of authenticity among Christians. It seems that those whose calling is to be completely genuine and loving and real in the way that they live are being the least of these things. Often times, I can see more Christlike behavior in the lives of those who do not claim to be Christians. I feel like my peers are shying away from discussing weighty issues simply because it makes them uncomfortable. I say that we could all use a little bit of discomfort in our lives, if this is what it has come to. I know that I'm not really hitting on one specific point in what I am writing about, but I just needed to let some things out.

I am currently reading through a book by Rob Bell entitled Velvet Elvis. Rob Bell is the pastor of Mars Hill Bible Church (somewhere in Michigan). The book is quite candid, which is something that I am growing to appreciate as far as writing styles go. However, Mr. Bell addresses some things that can be a little bit hard get past. Not necessarily in the theological sense. I haven't read anything that contradicts my beliefs, however, I have read some things that have jostled me a bit. It has been a good jostling, though. I'll write more about this book soon. I don't have it on hand at the moment...

rushing the inevitable

2007-02-25T06:45:00.000-08:00

I am honestly sorry for not keeping everyone informed regarding my well-being and such. I guess it's easy to become distracted when so much has been going on. And so much has been going on. I don't think I'll use this post to describe in detail what has come to pass in my life during the last month and a half. It would be far too much for anyone to read, and also far more than I really feel like writing. In short, though, I am doing better than I can really say. As it is with everyone in the world, change happens. Sometimes changes take place so slowly that it is nearly unnoticeable. Yet sometimes, change happens quickly. It happens nearly as if it is being forced upon you. I have sort of felt that way while I have been living in the Philippines. And why shouldn't I? I have been living differently than I ever have in my life. Though I grew up in this country, I never grew up apart from my family. I am faced with the task of being responsible for my physical, spiritual, and emotional well-being. It is a scary responsibility sometimes.

I don't know how many of you really know what I'm doing here in the Philippines. In all honesty, I don't know how many people really even read this anymore. I'll humor myself and give a brief description of what I've been up to, though, just in case someone happens upon this page searching for some sort of information regarding how I'm doing.

Since I arrived in the Philippines at the beginning of January, I have been working at Faith Academy as a volunteer. I am assisting the chaplain with whatever he may need help with, along with overseeing middle school chapel worship and also mentoring the high school worship bands. I have been asked to speak to a couple 8th grade bible classes as well as a couple of high-school gatherings. I hope to begin some sort of bible study before too long. Aside from these things, I have simply been spending time with my former classmates - the class of 2007. I have grown up with this class since the third grade. I graduated a year early, enabling me to make this trip back to the Philippines to spend time with them before they graduate and everyone spreads to the far corners of the globe.

I will be returning to the US at the beginning of June. I will promptly begin enjoying my summer, for shortly after it ends, I will hopefully begin my college education at Belmont University in Nashville, Tennessee. I am leaving the fine print to God on that one, though. It is way too much for me to even worry about.

I appreciate everyones prayers while I am here. It isn't easy being away, but the time that I have here is invaluable. I can't promise that I'll post regularly, but I'll do what I can. I'm quite sleepy now, and I have an early morning, so I think I'll turn in.

Goodnight.

Debut

2007-01-14T15:52:00.000-08:00

This weekend I attended Sharon Whelchel's debut into adulthood. She turned 18 years old yesterday (Sunday) and on Saturday, a large formal gathering was held in her honor. There was food, waltzing, and plenty of merrimaking in general. I escorted the lovely Rose Dreisbach to the event. Although I must admit that I'm not much of a dancer, I enjoyed myself. I was honored to be able to take part in such a meaningful and momumental event in Sharon's life. I'm glad that I went.

hot diggedy dog.

2007-01-09T16:27:00.000-08:00

the new iPhone from Apple. this is one of the coolest new things i've seen all week/month/year.

(see www.apple.com)

this is the countdown

2007-01-06T09:35:00.000-08:00

here i sit, amongst the rubble of clothing and pieces of luggage strewn throughout my living room. i'm feeling similar to the way that i think a beached guppy would feel, moments before a tidal wave crashes down onto it's defenseless and floundering fish body. what a disgusting simile, yet it's strangely accurate, nonetheless.

during the last week, i realized the magnitude of love that i have for my family and friends. especially my family, though. not that i didn't realize that i loved them before this, because i definitely knew that i loved them. but i'm realizing in a whole new way now, as i'm departing from them for a long period of time, in much less than twenty-four hours.

so this is the new year

2006-12-31T22:56:00.000-08:00

so many things have happened in the past year. i'm sure you will all be disappointed to know that i'm not going to take the time to reflect on everything that has come to pass, but i don't feel that it is entirely necessary. however, i can say with confidence that i see God's hand in my life. He shows me something new every day, whether I admit to it or not.

in less than 7 days, I am going to be leaving for the Philippines for 5 months. i think that the reality of this trip has sort of snuck up on me. only recently have i realized that i really am leaving. and i really will be gone for five whole months. i'm excited. i'm scared. i'm overjoyed. i'm apprehensive. this is going to be the first time i've truly been 'on my own' for such an amount of time.

i've had a wonderfully relaxed celebration of the new year. i hope all of you have had one as fabulous as mine.

i'll post more soon. count on it.

God is so big.

2006-12-12T21:43:00.001-08:00

Rubber Soul

2006-12-06T19:33:00.000-08:00

My favorite all-time record by The Beatles is "Rubber Soul". I can't offer an explanation for why I feel this way. I know that many other people prefer other albums, and I won't argue with them. Because you can't really go wrong with too many albums by this band. Each is classic in its own way. I grew up on "Rubber Soul", and I believe that may have alot to do with why I am so in love with it. To me, this album epitomizes everything that The Beatles are to me. The brilliant melodies. The pop sensibility. The innovative guitar work. So many of the elements on this album are so inconspicuous. Which is what I think makes it so fabulous.

For anyone who hasn't heard any of this album, I urge you to soon.

someone got a haircut

2006-12-05T20:52:00.000-08:00

the december that wasn't december

2006-12-01T08:02:00.000-08:00

So far, this December has been a big let-down. I know that it's only the 1st and that there is plenty of December left, but I don't want to hear any excuses. It feels more like April outside, and that is unacceptable. I don't want to be a stick in the mud, but the one of the surest signs that winter has arrived is when it actually feels like winter. This December has alot of explaining to do.

Also, I have recently realized that I have but 5 short little measly weeks left in the United States of America. I leave for the Philippines on January the 7th (if everything goes as planned) and I will return at the beginning of June. And I can't wait.

2006-11-29T20:21:00.000-08:00

crossroads.

2006-11-17T18:39:00.000-08:00

so. my trial with .mac is practically over. and i enjoyed it alot. but about in the middle of my trial period, alot of things came up and i wasn't really able to use it like i wanted. oh well. here i am, back again. now that i think about it, it will probably be easier for everyone to access this page.

so i believe that i have come to a crossroad in life. i have never felt more assured of God's presence in my life but i have never felt so scared to face the future before. so many things have happened in the past month. the opening of doors. the slamming shut of doors. and the cracking of a few windows, too.

i am trying to approach these changes with a fresh perspective. i don't want to dwell too much on the past, because there is so much ahead of me. but i don't want to leave some things behind.

on the horizon.

2006-10-01T21:07:00.000-07:00

watch out! ---> click.

2006-09-14T21:03:00.000-07:00

Deuteronomy 6:25
And if we are careful to obey all this law before the LORD our God, as he has commanded us, that will be our righteousness.

counting miles

2006-09-14T18:20:00.000-07:00

i think that when i stopped posting for a short while, i fooled everyone that used to read this blog into thinking that i was never going to post again. because this is clearly a "post", that idea can be lay to rest. laid to rest. layed to rest. somebody help me out here. this blog isn't "dead", i just got tired of posting/writing/being consistent there for awhile. i'm not sure if the fact that i am now posting means that there has been a reversal of feelings, but it may very well mean that. we'll wait and see how things turn out.

i'm getting distracted by things. i can't finish this post.

listen to the ben kweller song "run". it's new, and i think that it is good.

it's getting colder

2006-09-12T07:12:00.000-07:00

i woke up at about 8:45 this morning because i have alot of things to do today, one of which is finishing cutting my yard. it seems like i am cutting grass alot these days, and i'm not sure why that is. i don't really think that the grass in my yard grows faster than anyone elses, but maybe it does. i cut grass about once a week, and we have a gigantic yard. it takes awhile. i'm lazy so it usually takes two days. i could probably do it in one.

after i woke up this morning, i ate breakfast, and sort of sat around for about an hour. and then i walked outside to move some lawn furniture so that i could cut the grass. when i stepped outside, i realized that the temperature is definitely changing. it certainly isn't "cold" yet, but i'm sure it would constitute as "chilly", at least. in the philippines, we'd probably consider it cold. there is a place in the philippines called "Baguio" that my family would go around Christmas time. Baguio is in the mountains and usually is colder than the temperature in the city. it made us feel more "at home" (home in the United States, that is) having Christmas in cold weather, because that's what we had become used to. but after living there for so long, it's hard to know which place to call home - if i'm allowed to, i'll just call both home. anyways, the point i was getting to was that Baguio wasn't really that cold. i think it may have gotten down to the 60s on good nights. but i'm not even sure if it got that low. i always thought it was going to snow.

i'm actually sitting outside as we speak, thanks to the miracle of wireless internet. it's actually quite relaxing. it would be moreso if my psychotic three-legged dog wasn't rolling around like a lunatic at my feet.

well, i'm going to finish moving things in the yard so i can go ahead and begin to cut.

have a happy tuesday.

this was our entrance; now it's our exit

2006-09-09T20:07:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I'm not sure that I really know what I'm doing with my life. I just want to be sure that my plans are lining up with God's will. It's not that anything has happened lately to make me think otherwise, but sometimes I just wonder. And I suppose that this "wondering" that I do is simply a mechanism of my human nature. So I usually try to shrug it off, telling myself that "it's natural". And I think that it is.

I am actually more excited that I thought I'd be to just get on with things. While I am enjoying the ministry that I am involved with right now, and by no means do I feel like I am wasting my time, I kind of want to just go ahead and dive into college. But I truly feel drawn to spend January-May with my old class in Manila. Which I am very very highly anticipating.

I'm sleepy.

somewhere a clock is ticking...

2006-09-07T16:01:00.000-07:00

I journeyed along with a few friends into downtown Atlanta last night to see Augustana and Snow Patrol perform at the Tabernacle. I believe that this was my third show to attend at the Tabernacle. I enjoyed it alot. The performances were very good - despite some technical issues beyond the band's control during Snow Patrol's set (the malfunctions didn't take away from my enjoyment of the music whatsoever). I have a new appreciation for Snow Patrol. It isn't that I didn't appreciate them before last night, but I think sometimes (for me at least) it takes a live performance to really open up my eyes to a band's music. I like alot more of their first cd now.

I'm about to head out to the prayer house, but I wanted to post something about last night before I lose all initiative to do so. So there you have it.

Oh, also - Come and hear Kelley McCravy and Y/our Sparkle Heart play tomorrow night at the Black Cow. I'm not absolutely positive what time it starts, but if you're planning on coming, let me know, and I'll give you the time.

have a terrific thursday night.

panicbox

2006-08-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

I have a good friend named Gerry whom I have known since I was but a tot swinging from coconut trees in the Philippines. Gerry is Chinese and Canadian, and she's a remarkable artist.

And great with web design.

Above is a sample of one of her vectors.

Visit http://panicbox.net/ for her full portfolio.

Enjoy!

the sun will rise

2006-08-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

right now i'm hunkered down in a waiting area inside the Greenville airport, making use of the free wireless internet, awaiting my departure time. tragically, my flight to Nashville today was cancelled (I was originally supposed to fly out at 7:25). Now I'm leaving at like 10:30. It's 6:10 now. Hoorah. I woke up this morning at 3:20, so I'm a little sleepy. For some reason, instead of going through Atlanta as I was originally meant to do, I am now going through Cincinatti. Don't ask me why. I'm puzzled, but the whole airline system is a pretty puzzling thing.

so i'm listening to music and finding ways to pass the time. I should have brought a portable croquet set. The terminal would be a perfect spot to play.

anyways, i'll be in nashville until sunday visiting a friend along with belmont college. i have a tour this afternoon at 2, and i meet with admissions people at 3. i'm pretty excited about seeing the campus and talking to some people. i'll eventually post about trip.

well, i've run out of things to say, so that's all for now.

hope everyone has a smashing friday morning.

shoo!

2006-07-31T13:58:00.000-07:00

first and foremost, happy monday to all. i hope everyone's week has gotten off on the right foot. or something. mine has, i suppose. and i only "suppose" because i don't know how it could have started any better - which i guess can be both good and bad. all is well.

i went for a jog this afternoon after work. the combined heat and humidity made me feel like i was running through the sahara desert on ice skates. i ran as far as my legs (and rest of my body, for that matter) would allow me, and then i stopped. i didn't want to over do it - i haven't ran consistently in like 5 months. maybe more. maybe less. but it has been awhile. i hope to run 3 days a week if i can. i usually break my goal after the first day, but i'm going to try my best to follow through...

speaking of work - things are going pretty well. i've been working anywhere between 40 and 50 hours a week, and often times, saturday is included in that count. which is sad. but it makes my wallet happy (heh.....). i find the most discouraging part of my job is having shards of aluminum shoot from the sawblade towards my body. the pain that these shards inflict are the equivalent (if not moreso) to the sting of a 2 pound hornet. i usually try to step away from the saw if i'm sawing something that i know sends of lots of debris, but today it seemed that i forgot. alot. the favored target of the afternoon was my neck. needless to say, i'm learning my lesson quickly.

another lesson i'm learning is that i'm not cut out to work in a place like Cooper. i don't know if it is a matter of me not being man enough or what. if nothing else, working at Cooper for these few months is giving me incentive to go to college. yahoo.

nowww, speaking of college. i was recently (a few months ago) reminded by a friend of a college in Nashville called Belmont, which has a flourishing music scene and strong programs of study involving music and such. I had known about the school before. I'm just not sure why I never gave it a second glance. I checked their website, and as it turns out, it has a Music Business degree, which is something that i have sort of had my eye out for. I'm planning on visiting a friend who lives in Nashville (and is also considering Belmont) next month to take a look around. I'll keep you posted.

whewwf. well. i think i'm done for now. if anything comes to mind, i'll be back. maybe.

- Steven

take care

2006-07-13T17:09:00.000-07:00

Me oh my.

It has been quite a week, and it's not even over yet. If I had a tail at the beginning of this week, I would no longer have it, because I would have certainly worked it off. I've been working like a maniac. But it's all good. the weekend is getting closer with every second. hoorah.

So. I thought I had something to post about. but i really don't. maybe i'll remember later on or something.

oh yeah - Amanda gets home on Monday! yessss. good times are a'comin. and for anyone who didn't know, she has been in Brazil for the past two weeks, and has been missed dearly by... well... pretty much everyone.

and that's all i have for right now. more later.

manly man

2006-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

i startled myself when i got home from work the other day and looked in the mirror. the reflection that i saw was of a dirty, dusty working man, wielding a tape measure, work gloves, and safety glasses. i went to Cooper at 7 o'clock on thursday (last thursday) morning not knowing what to expect. since that morning, i have been drained of a whole lot of energy. but all is well, and i'm finally actually making money. the last time i had a steady job was when i wore red visors and scooped overpriced ice-cream.

on thursday i worked from 7am-3:30pm.
on friday i worked from 5am-1pm.
on saturday i worked from 5am-1pm.
yesterday (monday), i worked from 7am-5:30pm
and today, i worked from 7am-5:30pm again.

i was filled with the urge to display my work schedule so far, just so that you (loved audience) can get a general impression of how things have been this past week.

i am a saw man. i saw aluminum, galvanized and stainless steel, fiberglass, and whatever else the world throws my way. the basic scheme is that i am given stacks upon stacks of work orders. these work orders have diagrams and such telling the kind and quantity of material i need, what length to cut, and how many cuts to make. i do this all day long.

one of the trickiest parts of this process is obtaining the material. i'm working in a gigantic warehouse/factory, and there are gigantic aluminum beams and tubing lining the wall behind me. there is also a gigantic crane that moves back and forth overhead from one point of the warehouse to another. this crane is attached to the ceiling, and there is a remote that hangs from it (in case you were wondering). to gather material, one must tie a strap to the middle of a giant bulk of aluminum (or whatever) and then operate the crane so that it is nearly directly over the strap. i noticed a resemblance to the 'crane game' that can be found in arcades, but on a much larger and more dangerous scale. the hook of the crane is then strapped to the material, and the operator must be sure that it is balanced, then try to guide it to it's desired destination. it isn't as easy as it sounds. in fact, it is quite frightening. it's just so big.

anyways. next monday, i'm supposed to be starting second shift. second shift is from 3:30 until midnight. from then on out, my social life will be in shambles. ho-hum. i need money more than a social life right now, anyways. i guess.

a tidal wave of fatigue has just washed over me. or crashed on top of me. or something. so i'm going to leave this computer screen before i have a seizure.

love, steven

ps. i haven't shaved in a week. lumberjack holmes!

carefree days are over

2006-06-14T14:16:00.000-07:00

I just recieved a call from Executive Services. I start work at Cooper Power tomorrow at 7 o'clock.

Whew.

....

2006-06-08T22:53:00.000-07:00

i have alot on my chest. it has started to feel like my own thoughts are drowning me in my head, so i figured that my best bet to rid myself of that feeling would be to unload all of my thoughts here, like i always do...

I'm not sure what it was. I was just overcome with a strange combination of nostalgia and conviction and a dash of insight all at the same time. I think that this feeling was birthed as a result of a conversation I had with a few friends earlier this evening and also reading over some old emails a few minutes ago. Sometimes I feel like this generation is losing touch with the meaning of 'integrity'. We've forgotten what it means to "stay as far from the line as possible" rather than "let's see how close we can get". Of course, as you move closer to the line, the line seems to slowly moves further away, then before you know it, you've crossed the original line that you said that you'd never cross. It's a simple concept, I just have trouble conveying things in simple terms.

I'm aware of the fact that people have their own interpretations of the law and what the Bible says and what is right and wrong. Sometimes it's difficult for me to see how some issues aren't just black and white. Because some certainly are in my mind. I suppose that I can only really go by the truth that I have found to be true in scripture and stick to that. God's Word is infallible. I just have to understand that my convictions can't be everyone else's convictions. My convictions are my convictions. And all of that is in God's department.

If anyone wants to contribute any words of wisdom, please do so.

the job search

2006-06-05T12:36:00.000-07:00

i've come to the conclusion that the time has come that i need to begin searching for a job. i have been postponing the inevitable for quite awhile, but as graduation money dwindles, i need a new source of income. i plan to put in my application at executive services in the next couple of days. definitely before the end of the week.

today i have begun to conquer the beast that is my room. i have an unbelievable amount of junk, and it has amassed over the last semester of school and these first couple weeks of summer. and now i have mount everest in the form of clothes, old notebooks, papers, and random objects looking down at me from on high in the middle of my room. it's time to send in reinforcements.

i now wonder why, with all of the tasks left unaccomplished in my life, i decided to post something. that question will remain unanswered.

criminal offenses

2006-05-31T13:14:00.000-07:00

About a month (or so) ago, I received my first ever speeding violation. I was driving home from a performance which took place in Columbia. It was a little past 1:00 in the morning, and I was alone. As a was driving along a dark country road outside of Newberry, I noticed a pair of unmistakable flashing lights behind me. My heart wept.

Originally, my ticket was for $180 and 4 points were to be taken from my license. Today I drove to the courtroom in Newberry, and the ticket was knocked down to $76 and 2 points were taken off. I've learned my lesson. I hope. For now.

more later maybe.

every intention fell to the floor

2006-05-28T19:20:00.000-07:00

What happens when what we are "practicing" doesn't exactly line up with the things we are "preaching"? I've been convicted of this felony. I am so quick to speak with the tongue of a saint, while I perform the actions of a rotten sinner with such ease. Indeed, I am a sinner. It is solely by God's grace that I am washed white by the redeeming blood of Christ. I am genuinely ashamed that I have taken my salvation so lightly.

I was thinking earlier today about how important it was for me to sincerely strive to practice what I preach. By no means have I attempted to embark on a quest for perfection, for such is unattainable. However, there are painstakingly obvious areas of my life in which I have been a miserable failure. And I am without excuse. God has offered me His strength, yet I depend on my own. God offers me peace, yet I create chaos for myself.

How would I respond if I were approached by a thief who exhorted me to never steal? I wouldn't respond. His words would be useless to me. Why would I heed the warnings of a beggar who has thrown away his fortune?

And why would anyone around me heed my warnings of certain pitfalls in their life while I am daily diving headfirst into them in my own life?

There's so much for my little mind to digest.

two to one

2006-05-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

well. it's all done. graduation has come and gone. and i survived. for some reason completely unknown to me, i felt really uncomfortable after the actual graduation program (commencement?). everyone went to the recessional to eat cake and take pictures. and i sort of felt like i was lost. i don't know. everyone seemed to have these strong bonds with everyone else, which is good. i just couldn't find any bonds of my own - hence the being lost feeling. anywho. i'm utterly thrilled to be out of high-school. but i honestly feel like there's a storm on my horizon. and as much as i'd like to believe that i can just ignore it, i'm pretty sure i'm going to end up in the middle.

God keeps on surprising me in the ways that He teaches me things. Like, I keep on noticing these little areas in life that I struggle with. Then I realize the manner in which He is growing me in that area and making me stronger and more equipped for life. It's a hard thing to really put words to. that's why i won't try to go any further.

actually, it's 1:16 AM (morning) and it has been a long and trying day. i think i'm going to dive into my bed and sleep for a few hours.

happy graduation, class of 2006.

"Today's Mercies for Today's Troubles"

2006-05-22T17:55:00.000-07:00

"Sometimes we wonder if we will have the mercy to stand in terrible testing. Yes, we will. Peter says, 'If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you' (1 Peter 4:14). When the reviling comes, the Spirit of glory comes. It happened for Stephen as he was being stoned (Acts 7:55-60). It will happen for you. When the Spirit and glory are needed, they will come."

The latter was an excerpt from "A Godward Life", by John Piper. I recieved this book on my birthday (the 19th) from a family who I respect a great deal. Although life for me has been pretty full with finishing the school year, preparing for graduation, and trying to complete reading Blue Like Jazz, this book has already managed to bless me.

The past two years have been filled with considerable times of pain and change in my life, and in the life of my family as a whole. I departed indefinitely from the place I was chiefly raised in (the Philippines). I have learned more about God's grace in 24 months than I have ever learned in 18 years of life. I lost my grandfather, a man I admired and loved and who I aspire to be like as I grow older. I will be graduating from high-school in less than a week. God has been merciful through every bit of it. In all things He has revealed small glimpses of His glory, and how I simply am unable to do anything at all without Him.

"If you are reviled for the name of Christ, you are blessed, because the Spirit of glory and of God rests on you"

The question lingers in my mind: Who am I being reviled for? Am I earnestly and honestly seeking to please God? Or am I half-heartedly stumbling through life, treating God's mercy more as a free ticket to Glory rather than a divine sacrifice from a Heavenly Father?

There is way too much on my mind to write anything else on this topic. There will probably be more later.

__________________________________________

Tomorrow is my last exam. Ever. At least of my high-school career. I have to be at school at 8:00 to take a comprehensive Algebra II exam. Once I finish, I will be free to fly flappingly from the hallways of GCS and into the wild blue yonder. Almost. I still will need to report for duty on Wednesday morning to take care of some last-minute legalities. Graduation is Saturday at Grace Community Church (On Woodlawn Road). Come one, come all.

According to FedEx, a MacBook with my name on it is currently venturing its way from Anchorage, Alaska, down to my eager little paws here in South Carolina. It should be arriving Thursday afternoon. Everyone is welcome to drop by and help me celebrate.

My head is spinning from too much thinking. Or maybe from gazing into the computer monitor for too long. I've wasted much time on here this afternoon - mostly here playing a game called "Anagrammatic". I'm hooked.

2006-05-18T09:02:00.000-07:00

First of all, the MacBook has arrived.

Hip hip hooray for Intel processors and build-in iSight cameras.

_________________________________

Second of all, I'm at a loss for words. I don't know what has happened to the world, but everything seems to be on the fast track towards a giant garbage disposal. It is almost as in the past two or three weeks there has been a climax of "bad" things happening, and sooner or later, I feel like everyone and everything is just going to explode.

Pray for peace.

under the weather

2006-05-10T15:48:00.001-07:00

Since about noon today, I've had a sore throat. I'm not a huge fan of sore throats; I always feel like I'm suffocating. I hate to swallow, because when I do, it feels as though hot embers are being shoveled into my esophagus. Since noon, I've acquired a mild headache and a bit of warmth (not sure if it will reach a feverish point or not). Needless to say, there's nothing I want more than a tall glass of ice water and a comfy bed. And maybe a couple pain-killers.

Graduation is approaching swiftly, however, not swiftly enough for me. Pray that I'm able to endure. It's going to be close.

I've been patiently waiting for the rumored release of Apple's new MacBook. It is apparently the replacement for the current iBook - I've heard that it will run on an Intel processor, which will be a pleasant alternative the G4 PowerPC processor that they are known for functioning on. There was a rumor that it was going to be released on May 9th, but seeing as it is now May 10th, that rumor has been lay to rest. The two dates that are currently being ridden are next Tuesday, the 16th, or the 19th. Which is also my birthday. That would be splendid.

I'm weary.

[listening to: jack's mannequin]
[mood: sickly}

and today was a day just like any other

2006-05-02T13:02:00.000-07:00

it was you i was thinking of

May!

2006-04-30T16:50:00.000-07:00

I feel wretched for postponing posting (hmm) for such a long time. I've been pretty darn busy, which I guess is a good enough excuse.

Tomorrow is the first day of May. For me, May is a pretty eventful month. This May is going to be more eventful than it ever has been, I think. Tomorrow morning, I am traveling to Beaufort, South Carolina, to participate in the State Tennis Tournament, which I will swiftly lose. Logically, I'm not sure why exactly we're driving all the way there, because I'm pretty sure we all know what the outcome is going to be. Anyhow, I'm going to be playing #1, which is frightening, because I'm confident that playing Beaufort's #1 player is going to be similar to trying to fight off a 450 pound gorilla with a pixie stick. But hey, I get to miss school.

On the 6th of May (which is a Saturday), I take the SAT. I couldn't be less excited. I've never been too wonderful at taking tests, much less standardized tests. I always try to find patterns in the way that the little bubbles are filled in. Sometimes I hope that they will form a little picture of a bird or dog or something. If only.

After SATs, I drive to Columbia. Sunny Blunder will be playing that evening that the New Brookland Tavern, as a part of the second round of the Emergenza Music Festival. We're playing at 10:30, which is pretty late for a Saturday night. However, bands are eliminated by how few hands are raised in the audience at the end of each band's set. So if you'd like to see SB progress to the next round and eventually strike it big, you can buy tickets from Andy Crum for $12 (which is a little bit steep, but we didn't set the price. they did.)

On May 12, I'll be participating in the Homemade Genius show here in Greenwood. If any of you are familiar with the recent JNP Show that was at the Federal Building, the Homemade Genius show is very similar. I'll be playing there with This Bright Pilgrimage. I'll try to get more details soon.

Thennnn on May 19, I turn 18 years old. I plan on celebrating by stocking up on lottery tickets. Too bad there's not an election coming up.

And then the day we've all been waiting for: May 24 - The bonds of high school academia will be broken and I'll spread my wings and fly into the clear blue skies of independence. Sort of. But I'm thrilled that graduation is approaching so rapidly. It looks like all of my classes are wrapping up nicely, and hopefully, there won't be any stressful little curveballs thrown into my life at the last minute.

Whew. What a month this will be. I like May.

[i've been listening to: sufjan stevens, sigur ros, and the stills]

we looked like giants

2006-04-07T09:21:00.000-07:00

Last night equaled one of the most glorious nights of my life. I stood thirty or so feet from one of the greatest songwriters that I know of - Ben Gibbard. Death Cab for Cutie is one of the most amazing bands that I have ever heard live, and I have a deepened respect for who they are. I am completely satisfied with my life as of right now.

Now let me tell you what I am not satisfied with. I was not satisfied with the band that opened for Death Cab last night. "The Cribs", they called themselves. More like..."The Bad-British-Brothers-Who-Wear-Ugly-Clothes Band". There are few things in life that I resent more than the 40 minutes of my life that I wasted watching them play. There were maybe 3 seconds of each song that they played, where if the instruments were mixed correctly, and I had my eyes closed, I might have enjoyed. Maybe. But those three seconds were overshadowed by the facts that the instruments weren't mixed well and I had my eyes open (and they didn't look all that great on stage).

Okay, that's all I'll say about that.

So I'm home alone for the weekend. I accidentally skipped Missions Day at school today. I feel like such a sinner. I mean, I know that I am a sinner. But, you know. More so. Kristian's family from Norway flew in on Wednesday, and they'll be visiting for two weeks. They all left (including my family) for Charleston yesterday. So I'm here until Sunday on my own. And then I go to the beach with some friends until Thursday. Which I am so very excited about.

Hey! It's Spring Break 2006! One month until graduation! (and my birthday!). Life is good.

the Dental Hygienist from the Pit of Doom

2006-03-23T11:20:00.000-08:00

For most of you who know me, you should know that I've never enjoyed visiting the dentist. Now that I have braces, these dismal pilgrimages occur once every month. Typically, my "cleaning" and "wire-changing" dates are scheduled on separate dates, so that I don't get overwhelmed. As luck would have it, this month the two fell upon the same dark day.

Imagine being chained to a cold stone wall, deep in the dungeon of some French prison tower. Now imagine having your mouth pried open by a grubby block of wood and having little needles poked into your gums. Repeatedly poked. And now imagine having a repulsive paste scrubbed onto your teeth - it honestly felt like I was being force fed a bucket of sand - and the little grains were becoming permanently lodged between my bicuspids. I felt no improvement in the cleanliness of my mouth - in fact, I felt confident that they may have been using a reverse psychology method. Now that they've made my mouth dirtier than it has ever been, when I next brush my teeth, I'll feel like a new man through and through.

It makes me wonder about all of the people who rant and rave about how much they loooove the dentist. I mean, how much different could it possibly be? Fine, I'll admit it. My teeth are cleaner. And I'm grateful for that fact. However, I never crave the sensation of a metal pick scratching away inside of my mouth. Give me a toothbrush, a pack of floss, and a bottle of mouthwash, and I'm a happy man.

Okay, I'm done.

the arrival

2006-03-08T20:11:00.000-08:00

i have broken free of the bonds of dial-up connection and have jumped headfirst into, once again, the world of dsl. i am a happy, happy boy.

oh, and this bright pilgrimage has a myspace now! click and add us as a friend, por favor.

that's all!

(one month. yess.)

five years from where i am right now

2006-03-08T10:12:00.000-08:00

i've never felt so much fear and anticipation coming at me at one time as i have felt lately. the mere fact that i really don't know where i'll be in five years is, in itself, pretty scary. but, when i think of where i could be, i feel less afraid about the future and a little bit more excited.

so you, my small yet faithful audience, are surely wondering: where could you be in five years? or much less, two years?

i could be alot of places. i have alot of interests, and in turn, i feel like i have 15 different callings on my life. i used to always tell myself that i'd like to get into an avenue of writing - journalism and the like - or producing/performing music.

sometime during the past year, another possibility was hatched in my mind: ministry. after growing up on the mission field, i always shunned the prospect of returning to a form of overseas missions, if only for the pathetic reason that i had grown up overseas and wanted to spend my adult life in the united states. yes. a pathetic reason.

however, what it all really comes down to is finding the area that God is drawing me to, and pursuing that area in the best way that I can to bring Him as much glory as I can. the hardest part for me is waiting.

i'm definitely not just wallowing in a fog of confusion, though. there are alot of areas of my life that i'm quite sure about. God has been drawing blueprints for my future, and has been gradually revealing more and more of His plan to me. and the more that He shows to me, the more I realize how perfectly He makes things work.

and maybe one day i'll reveal some of these things to the general public, but for now, i'll keep them to myself.

[listening to: different names for the same thing - death cab for cutie]

[mood: so incredibly sleeeeeepyy]

the freeway in the sky

2006-02-26T17:29:00.000-08:00

a very tragic thing happened during this past week. as i was driving home from honea path, my dear automobile broke down. ordinarily, this would be a somewhat typical occurence. however, the smoke billowing from the hood of my car began to worry me (along with the fact that my engine coolant was boiling). i openly admit to the world that i am no mechanic. i hope i don't disappoint my future wife when she discovers that i can't heal cars like some guys my age can - maybe i should begin educating myself.

with the aid of my dear sister and brother-in-law, we cooled the car down some and we were able to crank it (it wasn't as easy as it may sound. it took a while to do). i hurriedly drove to timothy stumbo's house and parked it there. it was later towed to an auto place (Crider, across from Bruster's) where the assessed the damage. i soon found out that the car couldn't be repaired, and that it would never be driven again. don't get me wrong - a car is a car, and it would be a little bit creepy if i were to get really really sad about this. but seeing as this was my first car ever, i definitely have some sentimental attachment to it. i cleaned out all of my belongings from it and surrendered it to be towed to the junkyard.

and that's that.

i was thinking today, and realized that it will only be a little over 2 months before i graduate. craaaazy. aaand, each month before i graduate, i have something to look forward to. in the month of march, i'll be meeting up with one of my best friends in the world, Nathan Quinley, who I have known since elementary school in the Philippines. I'll be traveling with him to north carolina to play for a worship conference. i'm quite excited. and during the month of april, i'll be lucky enough to go see death cab for cutie play in atlanta, georgia. that will be another "lifetime goal" to be checked off my list.

and life has been pretty wonderful lately.

i was at peace with the world

2006-02-21T10:05:00.000-08:00

i had grand plans for this morning. i was to wake up early (which I did), get ready for school quickly (which i also did), and do some homework from the day before. whenever i awoke at 6:30, i glanced over my homework and realized that i had finished what was assigned, and i had woken up reaaaallly early for no reason. however, i was wide awake, so i continued with my "getting ready" ritual. at about 7:20 (when i usually get my shower), i left my house, plugging along in my faithful buick lesabre, not knowing exactly where i was going. it was faaar to early to go to school - as i passed the parking lot, i noticed that it was completely empty, so i continued driving. i had so much time on my hands.

as i kept driving (in no particular direction), i noticed the sky. i wouldn't go so far as to say that it was one of the prettiest sunrises i've ever seen, because i've seen some sunrises that would knock you off of your feet (really). i don't even know if it would make my Top 8 Sunrises. but there was something about it that just made me feel so reassured of God's direction in my life. and so i kept driving in the direction of the sunset. i let it fill up my windshield. at one point, i parked and just sat looking at it. i've never felt more encouraged about the direction i'm heading, just because i know that God is leading me there.

somehow, this managed to be one of the best morning's of my year. in fact, this has probably been the best month of my year. probably.

i started reading through first corinthians the other night. i've always had an awfully hard time being faithful to reading the Bible nightly. i either simply forget, or get in bed too late to even bother. for some reason, it has been different for the past couple of days. despite how late i've been getting in bed, or how much my mind isn't geared towards reading the Bible whatsoever, God always reminds me. He even pushes me. last night, I plopped into bed, turned off the lights, and closed my eyes. as I was drifting into a dream, one thought popped into my head. "Bible". i won't pretend that I smiled, flipped on the lights, hopped out of bed, and began reading cheerfully. I was so comfortably nestled within my blankets and pillows, I had no desire to move - but I did. I turned on my lamp and lay in bed and read 1 Corinthians 4. and it didn't take away from my rest. I slept deeply and woke up immediately when my alarm clock went off (earlier than I ever set it. ever)

anyhow. most of this post is irrelevant. but i needed to write something.
now i'm off to do homework and to get ready to go to Columbia for band practice. yes.

[listen to: "shattered" - remy zero]

show!

2006-02-18T20:07:00.000-08:00

next weekend, on friday the 24th, the fish factory here in greenwood is hosting the first annual JNP Show. there will be several bands playing, including Sunny Blunder, This Bright Pilgrimage, and the Springdales.

it's going to begin at around 7:32, so don't be late. i hope to see everyone there :)

what to do

2006-02-18T14:43:00.000-08:00

i went and ate lunch at amanda's house this afternoon, and watched the second "Lost" disc. or at least most of it. she and lauren had to leave before the last episode finished, so we decided to finish it later. both of them, along with tim, J.R. and nina, left at about 4:30 today to go to Atlanta to hear Cary Brothers and the Fray play. i'm too young to do things like that. so i'm here at home, feeling rather down-in-the-dumps, so to speak.

i was thinking about going to the boy's game in Clinton tonight, but Justin and Anna are also coming in tonight from their honeymoon, so I'd kind of like to be around to see them. so, i suppose i'll just be around here.

i've been writing alot of music lately. which is good. i'm planning finishing several of them and recording them in the next few weeks. i hope. i always seem to get behind in that area, and i just keep putting it off. but then again, it's not like i don't have anything else to do with my time, because i definitely do.

God has been strengthening me alot lately through trials and the like. it seems that the more struggle that one is faced with, there is more opportunity for growth. my mindset about alot of things is pretty naive, i suppose, which explains how i've struggled with certain things lately.

weeeelllll. i'm going to end this before i make this post too exciting. haha. i hope everyone has a fantastic day.

we're sleeping in a cloud

2006-02-04T15:09:00.000-08:00

lately, i feel like i've been being "tested" in lots of different ways. in some cases, it's the kind of thing where you tell yourself, "surely, it wouldn't get any worse than this". then somehow, it does. however, in the midst of the chaos that has become my life, i have been able to find peace in God's will and the fact that He's leading me where He wants me to go. it just gets so hard sometimes.

and then there are other parts of my life where I feel that I've been given way more than I deserve. and I know that I have. I just hope I don't waste what I've been given.

there goes my hero

2006-01-13T20:52:00.000-08:00

here i sit. it's 11:53 PM on a friday night. i'm exhausted, but i know that if i were to go to my bed and try to sleep, i'd toss and turn. in the past week, my family's life has been flipped upside down. and God's faithfulness has been more evident than ever before. there are times when i really just want to sit down and cry - and to be honest, there have been times that i have. other times, i just want to stand on a box in the middle of the street, and yell to the world, "Stop!". Doesn't anyone realize what has happened? It seems like everyone should pause with what they are doing, and just be quiet for awhile. No - life goes on. And sometimes, the only way to move on, is to do it while holding the hand of God.

In the past couple of months, my grandfather's health has quickly gone downhill. He hadn't been to a hospital (besides normal checkups) since 1942. In other words, he was the picture of good health. He exercised daily, read books, kept a garden, painted, and cooked - just to name a few. My grandpa also served in World War II, and was stationed in places like Japan, the Philippines, and New Guinea. He was the best son, father, brother, and grandfather anyone could ask for. He was my hero.

A few months ago, my grandpa went in to the hospital to have a heart catherization done. Technically, I'm not sure what all that involves, but I felt confident that it wouldn't be a big deal, and he'd be out of the hospital in a few days. A couple of nights after he left the hospital, he developed a sudden blood clot in his leg, and had to be rushed to the emergency room. While there, the doctors discovered some abnormalities with his heart, which we had known about, but weren't aware of how the problem had progressed. My grandma and grandpa moved into our home, and lived with us - we felt that it would be safer this way, so that we could all be close together.

The time that I have been able to spend with my grandpa over the last several weeks have been priceless. A relative so rightly stated, "When Paul wrote Galatians 5 (The Fruits of the Spirit), he had Wallace in mind". Grandpa cared so much for others, and so little for himself. I'm so proud to be named after him. Maybe someday, I'll live up to even just a little bit of the legacy that my grandpa has left behind.

One week ago today, my grandpa had a cardiac arrest. He stopped breathing for a short period of time, but my mom was able to revive him until the paramedics arrived. He was placed in CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and kept on a ventilator, to assist his breathing. We made the decision to take him off of the ventilator, according to his wishes - and he began to breathe on his own, but with much effort.

He was moved to the Hospice Care Center early this week, which is where he stayed until yesterday evening. At about 5:50 PM, my grandpa, Cleve Wallace Holmes, went to be with the Lord. This has been the hardest loss I have ever experienced - nothing compares to the hurt I feel inside after losing him. I count myself blessed, though, to have been able to maintain a close relationship with him, and to be able to have spent such precious time with him before he died.

Only 10 minutes before he died, I was able to play guitar for my grandpa one last time. I don't know if he could hear me or not - and I don't know if I ever will. But I'd like to think that he did hear, and that the music that I played was able to usher him into the Lord's arms. It meant alot to me - God's timing is absolutely perfect.

I appreciate everyone who has been there for my family and myself over the past few days. Your friendships are invaluable to us. I'm resting in the peace that God has given me in the fact that my grandpa is now healed, and is fellowshiping with his Creator in paradise - and will do so for eternity.

fragile masks of faith

2006-01-10T09:31:00.000-08:00

If you were to approach an average brother or sister in Christ and ask of them "Do you have faith in God?", how do you believe they would respond? Aside from the initial confusion that they may show due to your boldness, I believe they would say something like this: "Well, sure I do. I mean, I'm a Christian. I try to trust God in everything that I do."

Many Christians glide through life clinging to a faith in God that is paperthin. "Everything I do", the activity noted by the fictional Christian above, consists of, well, the usual. You know, going to school, going to church, enduring the occasional spat with peers. Maybe a little bit of suffering, every now and then. We trust God in areas like our schoolwork, our grades, and whatever other concerns that may arise in our everyday lives, which by no means is the wrong thing to do. However, how much trust is really involved in those avenues of life? My question is: when do we really trust? I believe that our faith, as Christians, can only be adequately confirmed when we are faced with suffering that requires a dependence on something besides our own strength. It is then when our true loyalties are revealed, and whether or not we are willing to place our best interests in the hands of our Heavenly Father.

I don't aim to condemn Christians who are wearing their faith like fragile masks. Because if that were my goal, then I'd really be condemning myself. I only mean to challenge those who are in need inspiration, and to encourage those who are in the grip of discouragement. For if our faith lies in anything besides the power of God, then we are ill-equipped to withstand the flames that we will be faced with.

In the book of Romans 5:3-4, it says this: "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation". What is God's purpose in suffering? It is to make us stronger - to fortify the stronghold that He is building in our hearts. It serves as preparation for what ever else we may face in life. However, we can walk in confidence knowing that Christ has prepared us a way in life - one that may not be easy - but has been divinely planned.

Don't cash in your hope in Christ for the stale, temporary hope found in this world. I'd advise everyone to read the first part of Romans 5 (not just the verse that i cited). Don't let your faith become weak because it isn't in use. If you aren't facing hardship, pray for those who are. However, be prepared to lean on God whenever trials emerge - for He is the only foundation that will be left standing when the dust settles.

breaking like a window

2006-01-07T10:31:00.000-08:00

i decided to post something before even knowing what i'd post. and i began this paragraph not knowing exactly what it would contain. i seem to have a knack for restating things. i come up with creative little similes and metaphors to describe life, and in each post, i come up with a new one, just so i don't feel like i'm saying the same thing over and over (which i really do), and so that my faithful readers don't get bored (most of you probably already are).

i like similes and metaphors, i guess. so that's why i use them so much.

i've eaten two meals in the past two days. i feel so sick. and so not-hungry. i don't know what's going on. on second thought, i actually have a pretty good idea, but i dare not try to type about it for fear of feeling worse. bleh.

i've been somewhat infatuated with a certain album lately. this album is entitled "how the lonely keep", by terminal. i'm usually not too crazy about harder music, but terminal happens to be an exception. the music is well thought out, along with the lyrics. and it's just rockin'. give "foster", "dark", or "wisher" a listen. or the whole album.

the last 4 "paragraphs" have begun with 'i'. i am humiliated to be so self-centered. despite my intentions to live with others in mind, it's obvious that i'm failing, because my mind seems to flip around and focus on myself more often than not. i wish changing was easier.

if i were the sort of person who is able to make new year's resolutions and keep them, i'd resolve to do the following:

be genuine
put the interests of others above my own
pray earnestly
work diligently

the list actually goes on a lot longer than that. but those are some that i've been thinking about alot recently.

i might write more later.

the final semester

2006-01-02T09:38:00.000-08:00

in two days, i will begin my final semester of high school. the reality of that statement still hasn't completely hit me, i don't think. but it's a crazy thought. and i feel much more inclined to work my tail off this semester moreso than any other, just because this is the last one.

and boy, it will be quite a semester. i'm taking chemistry and algebra II from GCS. both of those classes are considerably challenging - chemistry more than algebra, i believe. i am also taking english 101 and computer from piedmont tech. and government independently. i have a hard road ahead of me. feel free to send me notes, balloons, and cash donations.

today is a rainy day, which is nice, until you have to do things outdoors. then it sort of spoils everything. but i'm thinking that the rain won't last forever, so that's okay.

i was thinking about going to see 'memoirs of a geisha' tonight. i've heard that it was good, and it looks good. but i don't think i'm going to. maybe another night. but annyyyways.

i was in greenville last week (at the mall) and locked my keys in my car. it was incredibly humiliating, and i really hope that i never do it again - but i know i will. i just need to get one of those spare key holders that you can hide underneath your car. then i'll always be prepared.

hmm. i thought that i had more to write, but apparently i don't.

so maybe more later.

when there's nothing left to burn...

2005-12-28T21:37:00.000-08:00

Life has been moving swimmingly as of late. Lots of things have been going on, and for most of these "things", I have just been going through the motions to get by. I recognize that this isn't a good habit to develop, and I hope to reconcile these mistakes somehow soon. But things have been good.

I find my thoughts wandering every now and then. I think alot about the future, whether it be things I'll be doing in the next couple of weeks, or things I'll be doing in the next couple of months, or even year. It's normal, I guess - but I find myself a nervous wreck sometimes. It's like this: there are things that I know that I need to do. And I know that I can do them. And I suppose that I know how I'll do them. I'm just scared to death of doing them. And maybe I'm just scared for the sake of being so. I'm not sure. But I know everything will be worth the fear when all is said and done.

After reading back over the last paragraph, I've come tot he conclusion that I've mastered the art of writing vaguely. And I've also mastered the art of feeling no remorse for my ambiguous writing. So I'm sorry that I'm so good at writing like that, because I know it's annoying.

Next semester is approaching me with the appearance of a derailed train. It is going to be just about everything besides easy. I'll be taking two courses at GCS - Chemistry and Algebra II. And I will also be taking English 101 and Computer from Piedmont Tech - those classes will count for college credit, thankfully. Then I am going to be doing Government on my own at home. My plate is going to be filled academically, not to mention everything else that life tends to throw my way. Yahoo for an exciting last semester of high-school.

It's 12:47. I've been habitually getting to sleep at 2:30 or later for the past few nights, and proceeding to wake at noon or later. For this, I feel no better than a three-toed sloth. I'm actually a little bit humiliated for even admitting to that. But I suppose that I'm only making the most of my Christmas vacation, before the reckoning begins in January (when school recommences). So, as means to prepare my body for the "normal" sleeping schedule that I'll need to adhere to in a couple of weeks, I believe I'll romp my way towards my bedroom, and hopefully succeed in falling asleep before too late.

Santa

2005-12-18T20:58:00.000-08:00

I heard something absolutely disgusting/frightening earlier today. Apparently, the average American gains roughly 7 pounds during the Christmas holidays. I have taken it upon myself to not let that happen to me this year. Because I just don't think my body could handle any extra weight. I'm gonna have to take it easy on the gingerbread cookies for a couple of weeks.

On a more encouraging page, Santa Claus is indeed coming to town. Speaking of coming to town, the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is probably the creepiest holiday song in history. I hate knowing that "he sees me when I'm sleeping" and "he knows when I'm awake". It's like he has been peeking through my bedroom window, keeping my every move under strict surveillance. On second thought, Santa can stay at the North Pole this Christmas.

Maybe I just have the pre-Christmas jitters. Maybe I haven't been good enough this year. Maybe I'm afraid that when I wake on Christmas morn, I will find that my stocking has been filled with coal.

Or mayybee I still have tons of Christmas shopping to do, and I'm on edge because Christmas is less than a week away. There is so much to do - you don't know half of it.

It's 12:07, and my eyes are involuntarily closing, which is a pretty good sign that I need to be heading towards the bed (after brushing my teeth and washing my face, of course). I hope everyone is having an astounding Christmas season.

the weather outside is frightful

2005-12-14T13:41:00.000-08:00

It seems a bit mundane for the weather to be so ridiculously cold and we aren't reaping any snow out of the deal. In fact, I feel a little bit cheated. If I'm going to endure the chapped lips, dry skin, frozen car engines, and runny noses, I'd at least like to romp around in some snow to lift my spirits.

And Christmas.... is so ridiculously close. As of last night, I have accomplished 2/8 of my total Christmas shopping. I love buying gifts for people, but I usually have insufficent funds to purchase what I'd like to. I'm also not a really good shopper, and I usually have to have someone with me to give me input on things. But I would far rather be shopping for someone else than for myself. Shopping for myself usually stresses me out.

Tomorrow is my last day of "real" classes. In fact, I really only have one class that I have to go to. I take my exam in Spanish III at 9:45 or so. I highly anticipate ending that class. Although it has been an overwhelming joy to dive headfirst into another language, I'm satisfied with speaking English for right now. And I'm sure that all Spanish-speakers are satisfied with that as well, because my Spanish is absolutely awful.

And I also believe that I'm going to see King Kong tomorrow night. Which I'm really looking forward to alot. I've seen maybe 3 previews to it, and those were enough to pique my interest in it. Aaaand Jack Black is in it.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading this bland entry. I'm confident that it contained much of little interest to anyone else. Haha. Merry Christmas.

[listening to: pete yorn]
[mood: passive]

on a brighter note

2005-12-06T19:42:00.000-08:00

things really aren't so bad.

i'm sorry for ending the last post so drearily, really.
because there's no good reason for doing that.

shivering

2005-12-06T19:06:00.000-08:00

this winter season is hitting me like a sledgehammer. not only has the cold weather made my skin abominably dry, it has also had negative effects on my mood - as i'm sure has been the case with most people.

i don't care how cliche this sounds. i have a weight on my heart. in the past, i've considered myself stressed out by schoolwork, or a busy schedule. i now find myself more stressed than i have been in my life. i don't mean to be negative, but i know that i am. however, since this is a place that i can freely drain most- if not all- pressures of life onto an empty page, i don't feel compelled to refrain from doing so. and you have my apologies for being so crabby.

i was hesitant to write anything at all, actually. my current state leaves me with no desire to put forth any effort to do much of anything that requires creative output. i know that sounds ridiculously dismal - and i suppose that it is. i'm not really in a terrible mood 24/7. in fact, i wouldn't say that i'm in a terrible mood right now. i'm just worn sort of thin - much like a stretched rubber band.

i'm sincerely striving to be aware of others, though. and to be aware of God's strong hand in my life. i know that it is in times like these that my only logical choice is to lean on Him. and sometimes, doing that is harder than you'd believe.

colorblind

2005-11-28T09:11:00.000-08:00

today has been reminiscent of a black and white movie. nothing bad has happened, but i just don't feel very good. i awoke to the sensation of suffocation. i couldn't breathe out of my nose whatsoever, my voice was really weak, and my throat felt like it was closing up. i stayed in bed 20 minutes longer than i should have, but those 20 minutes haven't yet had a negative effect on my day.

before leaving for school, i took two teaspoons of the most repulsive purple medicine on the planet. i think it may have helped for an hour or so, but i can already tell that my ailments from this morning are looming overhead. i expect congestion to hit me hard again any second.

the harsh gray weather outside compliments my physical condition nicely. in fact, if you were able to paint a picture of how i feel right now, i'm sure it would look similar to the pale heavy clouds hanging above my house.

and i have zero appetite, which can't be good. i had two pieces of toast for breakfast, and 1/4 of a granola bar for lunch. i should be famished.

on a different note, there have been some interesting changes in our dress-code at bruster's lately. i arrived last night to discover that they are requiring all employees to wear santa hats on top of the usual red visor. i can only assume that this was designed to help the employees (and customers) to get into the holiday spirit. i only wish that "reindeer antlers" was an option as an alternative to the santa hat. i'd like that more.

this is going to be a long long long three weeks. hopefully, my little sickness will pass quickly and make things slightly easier. that would be wonderful.

that's all for now. i hope everyone is doing fantastic.

happy in dependence

2005-11-26T13:31:00.000-08:00

[stolen from my sister's deviant art page. she's amazing.]

is this what you were talking about?

2005-11-25T11:41:00.000-08:00

I Don't Want Excuses

2005-11-21T14:09:00.000-08:00

During the past 2 weeks, I've developed shin splints in my right leg. I remember suffering with this same injury during soccer season, and now it has returned to curse my attempts to maintain physical fitness. After running at least 2 miles nearly every day last week, I began feeling something in my right shin which I'd rather not ever feel again. I could hardly bend my foot forward or backward without a being attacked by immediate pain in my shin - which made the mere task of walking a bit challenging, at times. I felt like maybe stretching it on a regular basis would ease the soreness that I felt, and I could get back to running. Lo' and behold, I was wrong, and it only intensified the pain.

I decided to consult my father, a physician, as to what I should do. In retrospect, I really should have asked him from the very beginning. I instead depended on my dim intellect to concoct a remedy to my problems, and to my dismay, wounded myself more than I was to begin with. He said that I should take pain relievers 3 times a day (or when needed) and keep from running (or doing anything that may put stress on my shin) until it was healed fully.

This past weekend, I went to Ilinois. The weather there was similar to an arctic tundra, and, needless to say, I did no running - for fear that I would die in the sub-zero temperatures, either by polar bear attack or frostbite. Or both. Anyhow, when I awoke this morning, I noticed that I felt very little pain in my shin. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I interpreted this as a "green light" for me to pick back up running.

I went to the Y today and tested my hypothesis. I was hardly able to run a mile without my shin giving way. And now the pain is back full-swing, and I've learned my lesson.

Pooey. I don't want excuses like this.

I Am Ready For The Flames

2005-11-16T18:18:00.000-08:00

I'm going to address a controversial topic during this post. As a forewarning, there are alot of avenues of religion in which I am theologically ignorant. However, I hold fast to my beliefs, and am confident that all that I believe can be backed up with the Word of God. I'd like to open this post up to anyone/everyone else who happens to know more than myself (aka everyone) about it, so that I can be educated in the process. There's alot that I don't understand, and there's a little that I do. Here's a little bit.

I was talking to my sister earlier tonight about the contrasting beliefs of various denominations. I'll go ahead and say it: I don't like denominations. I think that there is an essential skeleton of beliefs and commitments that determine whether or not someone is a Christian. All of the other petty details can be sorted out once we get to Heaven. But I've come to terms with the fact that there is a need for separating bodies of believers according to specific beliefs about Christianity. I still don't like it.

Here is the one of the ideas that I just can't make sense of: God predestines those who will believe in Him, and those who won't. If this statement is true, then we really have no choice in our salvation. God has already chosen His army of believers, and has weeded out the ones that aren't going to accept salvation. I happen to believe that God has blessed us with a little thing called "free-will". Sure, He knows who will accept Him and who won't. That's what He does - He's omniscient. But there is a pretty clear distinction between knowing and choosing. God loves each and every one of His children. He longs for all of us to come to a saving knowledge of Him. Why wouldn't He? The thing is, He loved us enough to give us a choice in the matter, rather than administrate a universe of souls whose destinies He had already planned. He wants us to desire a relationship with Him.

That's what I think. I may have some things wrong. If so, correct me. I'd love to have some discussion on this topic.

leaves are falling

2005-11-16T10:16:00.000-08:00

oh, by the way, autumn has to be the most beautiful season of the year.

today is such a lovely day. it makes me want to spend as much time outside as possible.

i love fall.

good times are gonna come

2005-11-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

good things have been happening lately. and the only thing i can really attribute the cause to is God's abounding love - even in the little things. i've been learning alot lately. and i like learning.

i went to a ben folds show last night in Atlanta. it was the second time i've seen him. i can't say that two times is enough, but i'm content for now. he's probably one of my favorite performers ever. probably.

i've been praying more than i've ever prayed in my life lately. for some reason, i'm in a funny stage in life when i realize that i hardly know anything at all. and i'm slowly becoming okay with that. i've been having to surrender things to God daily. it seems like every time i turn around, i'm having to say "okay God, this is Yours." it's probably both the hardest and most fulfilling procedures ever. trust can be so hard when can't see anything ahead of you. it's like being blind-folded and led by a friend. they can see, and you can't. therefore, you have to believe that they have your well-being in mind. and i think believing that can be the hardest part.

i'm really excited about the next several months... because i have no idea what is going to happen.

yeeesh

2005-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

some days i want to just sprout wings and fly away.

even if only for a little while.

The Sizing Crisis

2005-11-09T17:54:00.000-08:00

I've recently come upon a problem that I have suffered with for quite awhile. It concerns the clothes that I buy, and the way that they fit me. Now, in all honesty, I have a handful of t-shirts that fit fine and that I love. However, those shirts are a minority compared to the t-shirts that fit strangely.

For example, I ordered two t-shirts awhile back that I anxiously anticipated wearing. I ordered medium, because, I mean, when has "Medium" ever not fit me? They arrived, and as I eagerly ripped open the package and surveyed the contents, I was immediately dismayed. I realized that the universal sizing for "Medium" had been changed to "Extra Extra Large" and no one told me. Because these shirts were clearly not mediums. I would have sent them back for a new size, except that I had sent them back once before - they were first sent to me as "Child's Small".

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered a shirt whose arrival I also looked forward to. I skeptically ordered it as "Small", seeing as "Medium" didn't work out so well for me before. It arrived, and upon slipping it on and displaying it to family and friends, I recieved mixed reviews. Some said "Hey, looks great!" while others bashfully told me that it made me look like a toilet roll, and simply fit weird.

So it seems that my body is stuck at some "mystery size" that is floating somewhere in between "Medium" and "Small". The trouble is, no one makes shirts in "Mystery Size".

So, the dilema I'm faced with now is this: Should I return the shirt that I have now for a Medium and risk it being too large? Or should I bravely stick with the Small and hope that it stretches a little bit over time?

The polls are open. Cast your vote.

....

2005-11-06T14:26:00.001-08:00

as of 4:30 today, i had not cried for one year and five months.

at 4:40 today, that clock reset.

i've never felt more helpless.
my hands feel tied behind my back.

i didn't want it to mean that much to me

2005-11-03T04:44:00.000-08:00

this was the view from my house in the philippines.

yes, it was amazing.

and yes, i miss it.

i should have seen this coming...

2005-10-24T20:41:00.000-07:00

i haven't completed reading a book in such a long time.

i'm pretty sure that this fact has been draining the creative juices out of me.

so i'm giving myself a goal; i'm going to read a book.

and i'm pretty sure that the book will be blue like jazz.

i've made the selection hurriedly, but sometimes hurried decisions end up being the best decisions.

...and there's this burning.

2005-10-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

just like last year at about this time, i'm realizing that after living in a tropical asian country, i'm still not used to cold weather. we've hardly entered autumn, and i'm feel like i'm going to catch frostbite. but honestly, i enjoy cool weather. i've just been surprised at how not used to it i am. i suppose it's time to break out the coats and jackets and big fluffy blankets.

i've been having these inconsistent bursts of songwriting output lately. for example, i've gone for at least a week just tossing around old ideas and trying desperately to incorporate something fresh into them. after not being able to do so, i became frustrated and sad. i felt as if any skill that i may have previously possessed had somehow abandoned me to find someone more worthy of possessing it. last night, however, i sat on the edge of my bed with my guitar and wrote 3 or 4 neat little parts for songs. just know that when i say "neat little parts", that is only abiding by my standard of neat. but i like them, and i guess that's all that really counts right now.

ha. alright. well.

i don't feel like i've become a better person after writing this post. maybe some of you will feel better after reading it. seeing as hearing about my life is sooo enriching to everyone elses. hahaha.

bye.

sorry.

2005-10-03T18:22:00.000-07:00

to anyone reading:
my last post wasn't meant to be griping self-centered plea for sympathy. i was reading back over it, and i saw how it could seem that way. but i wrote it at a time when alot of things were running through my mind, and i felt helpless. i apologize for anything/everything that may have come across the wrong way.

the quiet things that no one ever knows

2005-10-03T09:28:00.000-07:00

i came dangerously close to posting one of those really vague posts. you know, the kind that has no real direction. the kind of post that leaves you with an obscure quote and the challenge for you to interpret it correctly. and everyone thinks in his or her own mind that they know where i'm coming from. i wonder if they do.

so, i decided against it. because i'd hate to give anyone the responsibility of reading my mind, especially when i have so much on it.

the one that i wanted to find

2005-09-29T12:53:00.000-07:00

good afternoon, all of you.

my school-week is officially over, and i couldn't be any more pleased. i'm leaving for myrtle beach this evening with tim keeler, cory wilson, scott holiday, and david wright, for a weekend full of bikers, bass-playing, and beachtime. we're going to be playing outside of murrell's inlet mall tomorrow and on saturday, for a good bit of the day. then we're also playing for a chapel service on sunday morning, then we'll return later on sunday. we'll have to be on our guards, however, for this week is Biker Week '05. i'll have to be careful not to be snatched up by a mysterious biker. i'm thinking that it'll be pretty fun, though. plus, i love the beach. so hopefully, it won't be too cold, and i may be able to take a dip (or two).

but i'm also really quite tired. and i need a nap. soon.

there's a certain someone with an eighteenth birthday happening on sunday. and that someone's name is amanda. 18 is a pretty good number. and plus, you can vote. hurrah. happy birthday, amanda may.

so anyways, i need to go to the bank pretty soon (like today) to deposit a couple of paychecks. i'll be rollllliiin' in cash once i get that taken care of. hot dang.

i hope everyone has a suuuuper safe weekend. don't do anything dumb.

caleb the dreamer

2005-09-22T16:06:00.000-07:00

i was recently informed of two dreams that my six year old brother, caleb, has had in the past week. both could easily be made into some sort of cartoon or video game. enjoy.

dream number one: caleb began describing this dream by saying that he was "really small". he proceeded to explain that he was in the yard riding atop his trusty centipede. he was then struck by lightning. [/end]

dream number two: caleb found himself wandering through the shadowy halls of a castle, and stumbled into a secret room. in the room, he found a guinea pig wearing a crown and a cape. the guinea pig gave him a peppermint. [/end]

itsy bitsy

2005-09-13T13:09:00.000-07:00

this morning began just as most mornings do. i pressed the "snooze" button on my alarm clock about five times, in ten minute intervals. once i had wasted nearly an hour, swinging back and forth between the states of being asleep and being sort of asleep, i decided that the time had come for me to brave the day.

as i was pulling out of my driveway, and onto the main road, i saw a small movement in the corner of my eye. ignorantly and much to my regret, i paid this "warning sign" no attention.

five minutes later, i found myself face to face with death, epitomized as a menacing little spider. he was sitting on my lap, seeming to grin at me as he crawled hurriedly up my shirt. all the while, i'm swerving into the other lane and back, trying to maintain my calm. i was doing a very bad job. once the little devil had reached the collar of my shirt, i felt that it was dire for me to take action. i was quite sure that if i didn't, he'd crawl into my clothing, create himself a home and raise a little family of baby spiders. my hand slowly made it's way towards the little monster. i grimaced with every inch. i finally was able to snatch him up, and toss him out the window.

... i don't think i've seen the last of little mister spider. if not him, then i am confident that one of his little cousins will emerge from beneath the seat of my car as i'm driving to school, and the cycle will repeat.

moral: steven is scared of spiders [hey! that's an alliteration! sort of.]

the dying breaths of a blog

2005-08-30T13:38:00.000-07:00

this blog is inches from destruction, for undisclosed reasons. i feel a need for change. that change may be the tearing down of this page, and the creation of something new. or maybe even the tearing down of this page, and the creation of nothing new. i'll know in a couple of days what i should do.

i wish that i could read minds. however, i suppose that if i were given that ability, all of the suspense would be drained from my life, and i'd eventually become bored. i sometimes just get wary of not knowing what's going on.

i've lost nearly 5 pounds in the last week, and i haven't an explanation. well, except for my appetite, which doesn't actively exist anymore. at least it's not the appetite i used to know. the one that always demanded to be appeased. i find myself eating 2-3 meager meals a day, reaching "fullness" after hardly anything.

the varsity boys reigned victorious in their game yesterday - 8 goals to none. they made my heart glad.

i suppose that's all for now. i'm pretty tired, and i have some school work to tend to.

byeeeee.

2005-08-21T17:58:00.000-07:00

so long, sweet summer

2005-08-16T19:45:00.000-07:00

[the end]

your words hit like a train

2005-08-13T07:34:00.000-07:00

it's like you know what i'm thinking
and whatever you want to say
always comes out the perfect way

sunny blunder had a show last night at NBT,
my amp died in the middle of a song.
cool, huh.

school is starting in two days. that's too soon. there's still so many things i want to do. mmm. whateverrr. i'm still working on my schedule. it's starting to look like i'll be taking a minimal amount of classes at GCS, and a handful from Piedmont Tech/home.

"you are the star that's in my sky
and i am yours and you are miiiiine"
[listening to: the rocket summer]
[mood: heh]

you have my attention, like you've had all the while

2005-08-05T13:30:00.000-07:00

i'm sitting alone in my house. i could probably list about eight better uses for my time than blogging, but i need to write. it helps to clear my mind- and at the moment, my mind resembles a tropical storm. alot has been happening in my life lately.

last night, one of my younger twin brothers, Caleb, got sick with a fever. this morning, he was still doing terribly, after throwing up several times, having an abnormally high temperature, and complaining of a headache, and just not being himself at all. after i showered, i drove my mom and caleb to the Abbeville Hospital, in hopes that they'd be able discover the cause of his illness (my other brother, Josh, and my Dad went to our new house to paint while we went to the hospital). I waited in the van, not knowing that the afternoon would last as long as it did. Juan Bonetti (who was treating Caleb) came out to the van and told me that they were going to need to take Caleb to the emergency room to give him an IV because he was really dehydrated and not doing so well. so i drove around the hospital to the emergency room side, and waited for even longer. finally, my mom came out and told me that i could come inside. as i entered the room, i saw my small, fragile brother laying in the hospital bed, wrapped in his favorite blanket, and hooked to an IV. he seemed really tired, but he was able to talk. they finally discovered that he has strep throat, so they prescribed him antibiotics and did various other procedures.

in the meantime, i had to leave the hospital to run errands in greenwood (the majority of which ended up being less than successful). and here i am at home, counting down the hours before i must leave for work at 8 o'clock. i'm the epitome of unenthusiastic.

i decided two days ago that i'm not going to be playing soccer this year. there are alot of things that led me to this decision - believe me, it wasn't an easy one. you can ask me about sometime if you want. i don't feel like writing it all out on here right now.

sunny blunder update

that's all for now.

2005-07-31T11:02:00.000-07:00

i don't have much of an appetite.

fall in love

it's been a month since the fourth of july

2005-07-31T10:52:00.000-07:00

okay, so maybe not exactly a month, but we're close enough, and it was appropriate for me to use that as my 'title' since it's a line from the song i am listening to >> "recovery room", the jealous sound. so if any of you have never heard it, i would advise you either to find me and sit with me in my car for a few minutes to enjoy it, or download it or something. it's worth your while.

so last night i saw ben folds live. i think it was one of the many items on a constantly growing list of things i'd like to do before i die. one down, 100,000 to go. ben folds has more showmanship than anyone i have ever seen. for that, i love him. if you want details about yesterday, i can give them to you in person, because they'd probably be much more interesting that way.

life has been throwing me curve balls lately. don't misunderstand me though - they are somewhat pleasant curve balls, or could potentially be. they are just situations that i never foresaw and don't always know how to handle. that's why it's so much easier to let God do the "handling" and let me do the "trusting"... which i'm also quite awful at. but it must be done.

i have about a week left to finish us history and consumer math. it's more than possible for me to do so, i just need to put forth about 100% more effort than i've been putting forth as of late.

and i'd like to take a trip to a zoo pretty soon, after having a recent conversation with a friend about interesting zoos can be. as a matter of fact, even the word "zoo" is quite interesting.

i leave you with that.

Episode II of the Tragic Buick LeSabre Saga

2005-07-23T13:38:00.000-07:00

The day began just as any other would. I awoke staring sleepily at the plain white ceiling. Showered, ate breakfast, and headed to work. To set the mood a little bit, I must inform you all that yesterday I was left with no choice but to abandon my usual transportation, "The Buick", at my workplace. Why? It was in one of those moods. I was forced to depend on the golden Volvo to accommodate my driving needs, and it performed decently - however, nothing beats the crisp sound system of the now broken Buick.

After a completely uneventful day at work, I headed out into the sweltering heat to see if the Buick would come through for me. To my utter delight, it roared to life with such zeal that I felt like a small boy again. I figured that it would be best for me to go ahead and take this opportunity and run with it, before the car decided to fail me again. I hopped in, plugged in the iPod, and headed on my way. The thought of the car just "dying" in the middle of my voyage home never really crossed my mind. It had happened once, but like lightning, I never dreamed that such misfortune would strike the same defenseless driver twice. To my horror, shortly after I passed Greenwood High, the engine died. To my luck, however, I wasn't nearing an uphill stretch of road. After I finished celebrating my luck in not being at a hill, I realized that I'd need to find a place to pull over, or else I'd slow to a stop, and disgruntled drivers behind me would pull out their firearms. Finally, after scouring both sides of the road (and slowing to about 20 miles an hour in a 35 zone), I turned into a neighborhood called "Bell-Meade". If the spelling is incorrect, I apologize. I conveniently came to a stop completely blocking someones driveway.

Once I realized that I wasn't going to get home by sitting in the car and crying, I got out and assessed the damage. I came to the following conclusions:
(1. The car wasn't going to start
(2. I wasn't going to sprout wings, enabling me to soar home for help.
(3. No one would know I was stranded unless I gathered the courage to knock on one of the nearby doors asking for a phone (I foolishly left my cell-phone at home, not foreseeing this tragedy).

So that's what I did. I knocked on the nearest door (which happened to belong to a spooky and seemingly single red-headed man). He was nice enough, but was watching some awfully creepy murder movie in his living room. I stayed for the briefest amount of time possible. I simply couldn't stand his mysterious moustache and the rubbish-equivalent movie that was playing mute on his television.

After long, tireless minutes of waiting and wondering, the calvary (aka my dear mother) came to my rescue. We pushed the wounded vehicle forward, as to unobstruct (Not sure if that's a word) the driveway that it was in front of.

My mom drove me back to Bruster's so that I could at least drive the Volvo back home. I stopped at Chick-Fil-A for food on my way home.

This evening I plan to gather my emotions and maybe try my luck one more time in starting the car. If it happens to honor my efforts, I'll swiftly zoom over to Crider, where I'll park it and leave it to think about what it's done. Hopefully I'll have someone look at it in the next few days.

If this has never happened to you, count yourself blessed, and pray that it never does.

My car is a heartbreaker.

i will consider you gone.

2005-07-21T17:56:00.000-07:00

if your car ever gets in one of those fiendish moods and decides to disappoint you by not starting when you need it most, just know this: i've been there.

i had bright plans for today. i spent the morning/afternoon mowing the lawn in the scorching summer sun, walking the impossibly thin line between fatigue and a heat-stroke [during this time, my family left for atlanta until tomorrow afternoon, loaning me the title "King of the House" for a short time].

after manicuring the lawn in a fashion martha stewart would have admired, i met andy at the civic center to play a little tennis, as we often like to do. actually, martha may not have admired my grass cutting. i don't really know if she ever does lawncare, but i needed an excuse to use her name in a post.

after the tennis playing, my plan was to hustle back to my house, shower, go pick up my paycheck from work, then go deposit money at the bank. then hoooopefully go to some musical event at anderson college with amanda and bethany.

these plans were going fine until the part where i wanted to crank my car. you have to understand, my car won't start unless it really wants to. 75% of the time, it doesn't want to. needless to say, my night has been crushed like a wingless moth in an avalanche.

so here i sit, home alone. ben folds is blaring through my computer speakers, offering competent compensation for my current disappointment.

in other news, life isn't getting any easier. i've been doing pretty well, but there are always issues that leave me dumbfounded and without direction.

i hope everyone is doing well.

chasing the fading daylight of the world around us

2005-07-06T21:53:00.001-07:00

i'm so afraid of the future. i'm afraid that who i'm becoming isn't who i want to be. it's so far from who i was one year ago, and that thought is overwhelming.

and i realized tonight that the world has so much more to offer than what i have now. i mean, sure, my resources are limited and i can't shoot for the stars when i have nothing to take me there. but i can only take one step at a time, and i feel like i'm stepping backwards.

it seems like everyone these days are chasing what isn't real - some glimmering mirage in the distance, just waiting to disappoint you. it will only last for the amount of time it takes for you to see it up close. how much is that worth? nothing.

my naivety is so dumbfounding. i only THOUGHT i knew what was going on. i thought i knew how people worked. i really have no idea. i think i could use seclusion from everything for a little while, just to let myself breathe. maybe i could take off the mask that i wear half of the time and let my real eyes see the light of day. i'm sure it will be blinding.

i don't feel like i know much of anything anymore. and this isn't a plea for anyone to reassure me that i do. i'm so tired of that. this blog isn't a place for me to whine and then be complimented by everyone who reads it. it's chief purpose is to give me some peace of mind and let out some of my thoughts before they can drown me. if you want to comment, it's fine. i do appreciate it. but that's not why i write.

i've given so many wrong impressions in the last 24 hours, it makes me want to throw up..

goodnight everyone.