the thieving night

i feel as if my writing skills have diminished into nothing more than a pile of generic words and overused figures of speech - as if overnight, any previous ability stealthily creeped from my body, out the window, and into the dark night. or maybe i'm being skeptical of myself (there would be many reasons for me to do so), or maybe it's this throbbing headache that is having a negative affect on my thoughts. or a combination of several things. but i honestly believe that my writing abilities have been dampened considerably due to the fact that i haven't written in such a long time. it's just like they say, "use it, or lose it". i'd hate to lose it.

and yes, i have a headache, impairing my writing for this evening.



until next time..

you won't feel better alone

i finiiiiished my stupid spanish verb book. it took me every bit of 3 hours to finish it. how is THAT for diligence? i honestly never want to do another of those ever again. i'd rather go to the dentist - and that's alot coming from me. i had to conjugate 50 verbs in 4-5 different forms, and i did a bunch of extra stuff to make it look better. i'd be disappointed if i got a bad grade....

i was just about to iron a shirt that was recently purchased from goodwill when i felt a mysterious bulge in the shirt pocket. excitedly, i looked, expecting there to be a hundred dollar bill neatly folded, waiting for me to discover it. to my surprise, it was actually a wallet-size photograph of a 12 year old boy with a mini-mullet. which needless to say, is only slightly less exciting than one hundred dollars. you can rest assured that the photograph will find a new home in my wallet, where hopefully, it will soon be joined by numerous 100 dollar bills. the source of such things is unknown to me at this time, but i have faith.

well, now that my evening has been completely devoured by the creation of the verb book, and since 11 o'clock is closing in faster than i'd ever want it to, i suppose i should do my algebra homework and hit the sack.

goodnight.

are apologies owed?

i've neglected writing much of anything for the past week. but for a good reason. it was thanksgiving break, and the leigh's were here. it was alot of fun, but very physically draining. i'm not a great host, but i still had a really fun time with zach. and now it's monday, and school is back in session. the only thing i have to look forward to now is that in two weeks, it will be time for christmas break. and two weeks really isn't much time at all.

yesterday i was sitting here at my computer, and began chatting with a friend of mine - anna trammell. we began talking, then the topic of school came up, and i asked what she had planned for the next couple of years, whether she'd stay where she was, or go somewhere else. it was at that time that she reminded me of her plans to audition to go to the South Carolina Governor's School of the Arts, with a focus in drama. when she mentioned this, i remembered my initial interest in the school a year or so ago when she told me about it, but i suppose i just set it aside, and never had thought of it again. the school also offers focus areas in visual arts, dance, music, and creative writing. although the school only accepts the "best of the best" (right?), i'm considering this one of my options for the next two years, even if i only get to the point of auditioning, then them denying me. it's an interesting prospect, however, i'm still only considering. if i were to "apply" to go, i'd most likely focus on creative writing. although music is really my "thing", writing has also been something i've loved, and have considered pursuing as a career in the future. i also don't read music, which would become a problem very quickly.

tonight i have several things on the agenda. most importantly, my spanish verb book. maybe that should have been capitalized. lets try that again. my Spanish Verb Book. haha. I have to conjugate 50 verbs, and make a little book. i'm expecting that to consume most of my evening - or at least whats left of the evening after i finish procrastinating. i also have a bit of algebra homework, and some "optional" history reading.

and tomorrow is a basketball game in augusta. if all goes as planned, i'll be leaving the school with the team at 1:45. yess.

i feel that its safe to say that i had a good day today. really, besides the fact that my lips are chapped, or nearing that point, my spirits have remained relatively high. and believe me, the condition of your lips has alot to do with your mood. ask anyone. except for someone with no lips, because they may become offended. if you do happen to find someone with such a misfortunate abnormality, and dare to ask them (which is a gamble on your life, personally), don't mention my name.

i leave you with that...


[listening to: transatlanticism - death cab for cutie]
[mood: transatlantic]

the one you're leaving out.

i miss my hair more than ever tonight. because it's cold. i initially wanted to grow my hair out for cold weather like this. and now the long hair is nowhere to be found. what now?

i hate fences.

i'd trade my left thumb for some amount of fence-climbing ability.

i wasn't prepared for this

this is somewhat a continuation of my last post, which really wasn't much of a post at all.

i like alot of people alot more than i liked them one week ago, and i dislike some people that i didn't as much. and i won't elaborate. it seems that everyone (" ") is moving on. maybe i should have put "it seems" into italics or bold or something, because it really does just seem. and i suppose it's a good thing. i mean, it's not pleasant, but it makes me understand my initial mistakes. i only wish i could have been warned ahead of time. life goes on, and we're all stronger. the end.

yeah, last night there were basketball games at GCS. JV Boys lost, but, Isaac scored 23 points, which is awesome. And Varsity Boys won...by like 20 points. they all played well... and Tyler was the top scorer. he scored something like 14 points.. maybe 16? In the newspaper, they said his name was "Terry". and that Daniel Callan's last name was "Cowan". i'm sure there were other mistakes, because the newspaper can never get it straight.

so today is the first day of thanksgiving break, and the Leigh's could arrive as soon as 2:00. i have three chief objectives that i need to have accomplished by that time. first, cleaning my room. second, cleaning my bathroom. third, vacuuming the house. goody.


so now i'll continue this day being confused, hoping i'll forget about all that has been going on.

[it's not as bad as i make it sound]


[listening to: how's it gonna be - third eye blind]
[mood: in need of shower]

the terms of agreement

is this your way of fighting back? from you i expected more. i thought we'd end this evenly, but i've thought wrong before.

a dare.

i dare you all to go here.

click.

you say that love goes anywhere

i'm glad that today is over. i wasn't sure that it would ever come to an end, but as all days like this tend to do, it did. after school i went to the moores, and took a nap until 5 o'clock, which is when i arose to eat spaghetti and leave for the games at GCS. the games went alright. varsity girls lost, unfortunately. however, the varsity guys defeated the other team. it was intense. i was more riled up than i have been in awhile, which i'm sure was a sight. by the end of the game, the intensity level was just ridiculous. it was enjoyable...

more games tomorrow evening, kicking off thanksgiving break...

it rained all afternoon, and has been throughout the entire evening. it's actually quite refreshing. the windows in my room are open, and i plan to keep them open all night. with my luck, the temperature will drop drastically during the night to like 25 degrees, and i'll wake up having frostbite. i'll risk it. it's really comfortable in here right now.

i'd advise the whole world to download the song "polaris" by jimmy eat world. it is delicious.


i'm tired, and i need to do a small amount of homework. goodnight...

the candidate wrote furiously, as if to save his life

i wish i could have more nights like i did last night. it was so free from drama and complications, which are two things that consume the rest of my life. i went to anderson with tim yesterday afternoon, to the mall so that he could shop for clothes. he's taking a trip to New York City this wednesday to visit his brother, and he only has (or had) one pair of pants. since it's already snowing up there, he felt the need to purchase more articles of clothing. i felt this reasoning was valid... so we went up there and had a grand time. we saw erin, katie, fle, and ashby at the mall... they were returning from the clemson game. we talked to them for a bit, then they left. we also saw alison gore and her mom, which was pretty cool.

on our way back into greenwood, we took a "detour" and stopped by Tyler Leinbach's infamous Bean Dip Party. There, we encountered the likes of Stephen and M'Cheyne Moore, Kristy Collins, Zach Jennings, Joy Cain, April-somebody, and the man himself, Tyler, who was dressed fashionably in a tight green bowling t-shirt, complimented by brown wool pants. We lingered in the living room for a small time before the decision was made to go to the "Rock House". At first, I assumed this was some sort of lame hybrid of "Hard Rock Cafe" and "House of Blues". Then I heard the story. Apparently, the Rock House was some creepy-beyond-words old stone house in the middle of nowhere, that supposedly had some dark past. So we drove out there.

Tyler drove one group in the Bronco, and I rode with Tim (and Kristy and M'Cheyne) in his car... with only like... a cup of gas remaining in his tank.

I'm not going to go into detail regarding the Rock House festivities, but only rarely did I become frightened, and this fear was only aroused by Tim's ever lowering gas-gauge. and if you know me, i can often scare easily.

we went to a couple of other places before i was dropped back at the leinbach's, waiting for my sister to pick me up and drive me home.

in other news, I've made some decisions this weekend. I'm pretty sure it will end up being in everyones best interests, even if it doesnt at the moment. but i'm pretty sure it was the right thing to do, if you disagree, let me know, and i'll explain it in simple terms for you. if you don't know what i'm talking about, you needn't.

in other other news, thanksgiving is closing in fast, and i'm still undeserving of such a feast. i probably don't NEED it either, i epitomize "out-of-shape".

tomorrow is a basketball game at GCS. i love basketball games, so i'm there. but in order for me to reach the basketball game, i must make it through the school day. what lies in store for me? i know of at least 3 things. 1. an assignment for fyock that counts as a test grade...which i'll have to do tomorrow at lunch, since i left the thing in my locker. 2. a biology test.. if i'm lucky, it'll be easy. 3. a creation vs. evolution debate. this is what i'm probably most uneasy about. all i have is 2 pages of detailed points. i'd hate to read it straight off, but that may be what i end up doing.

it's 9:56 PM, and my body cries for sleep. and sleep i shall give it.

"such an awful tragic night, though i've only done what's right"
[listening to: pedro the lion]
[mood: readyyy]

KILL IT

i am completely FED UP with blogger.com. it has erased two of my posts today, who knows how many more it's plotting to kill. so if you can hear me blogger, wherever you are, i'm not very happy with you right now. get your act together.

i'll post more encouraged with the situation. things are better than they were, however.

how to be dead

i am having trouble breathing. do people hate honesty? is this how you lose friends? i've done everything wrong, and i can't erase any of it. maybe i'm too sensitive. or maybe i just need to leave for awhile. maybe both.

thanks to those of you who made everything so clear to me. you've done a fine job of making me hate myself.

of life and death

do you remember the tiny apple that i had?

i just threw it into the out into the forest, alone in the cold autumn night. why? it has been sitting on my desk for over a month, getting all mushy. tonight i decided that it was far mushier than i like for things to be that i sit on my desk. since i couldn't bring myself to eat such a cute fruit, i felt it was in both mine, and the apple's, best interest for it to be hurled into the darkness.

it's in a better place now.

winning a battle, losing the war

i plan to make tonight the night that i get rest. it's 7:46, and i have no homwork to be doing. i plan to lay my head down to sleep between 9 and 9:30. if everything goes as planned, i'll be getting somewhere around 9 hours of sleep. which would be magnificent.

a correction from my last post: tomorrow is actually the day of the scrimmage, and it's a home game. but i am still going. thanks to the 15 people that corrected me. what makes tomorrow even better is that it's friday, and nothing big is happening in school. yesss.

january cannot come too soon. i long to be on the open road, on my own. the funny thing is, once i actually get to the point where i can take my drivers test, i'll fail. that would make me cry, but it's probably what will happen.


[music: say - sleeping at last]
[mood: good]

i'll wait around

things are pretty good. after third block, i realized this. i had finished my dreaded test, which required me to compose 3 essays, according to previously written outlines. as usual, it was strenuous. somehow, i did finish. and i did hand in my end of chapter questions. i'm so very thankful that it worked out.

things are pretty good for another reason as well. my cds came in today! hurrah. all three are good, and are very suiting for different moods. saves the day = bouncy. sleeping at last = chill. armor for sleep = intent. of course those descriptions are off the top of my head, and probably don't begin to describe the mood that these albums bring about.

it's cold. even with the heat on in this house, my hands are entering the stages of pre-numbness. winter is so close that i can smell it when i go outside. and yes, winter has a distinct smell. or maybe less of a smell, and more of a feel. the way the air feels when you breathe. it's a mystery, but i know that some of you know what i'm talking about.

i'm bitterly tired. i didn't go to gpc this afternoon for that very reason. but i must go to calvary this evening, since i have worship practice afterwards. i don't have homework, thankfully. if i didn't have practice tonight, i'd be going to bed at 9:30. really, i would. i'll succeed at doing that before this year is over. you'll see.

tomorrow is varsity guys/girls first game. it's actually a scrimmage...but it's all the same to me. it's in ware shoals, and i plan to go. because i'm a supportive fan.

it's still cold....

[listening to: armor for sleep - my town]
[mood: cold]

there's an angel by your hospital bed

tonight i am:
- exhausted
- worried
- nervous
- busy
- urgent
- encouraged

you may be wondering why, in the midst of so many discouraging factors, i could possibly be encouraged. i'm encouraged because i see this week as, although lacking brightness at the moment, a chance for God to work His will out in my life, and further reveal Himself to me. it's not the first time. it's hard to completely fall back on this way of thinking, because there is so much on my mind that concerns me... but i've had to do this in the past. and i've discovered that i can let go of my own desire to control my life so much more confidently when i know that i'll be falling into the hands of my Creator.


there are a number of things going on. a test in history tomorrow, end of chapter questions due tomorrow, and ordeal that the entire GCS high school seems to play some part in, and an all-around rest deprivation.

somehow i'm not freaking out or having a nervous breakdown or anything... which is very untypical...because by this point i'd usually be beyond the point of writing anything nearly as upbeat as this is - even with the little bit of beat that this does have. anyhow, it's late, and i have an early morning.

goodnight, all.

[listening to: chocolate - snow patrol]
[mood: .........going to bed]

joy to the world

i was just informed that leigh's are coming for thanksgiving.

which is like...next week.

you don't know how much this lifts my spirits. not that they weren't lifted already. but i'm happy as a clam.

yesssssssssssss.

matador

bull-fighting is stupid. and i'm in a good mood, but i'm very frustrated at the moment. but frustratedly jolly. or jollily frustrated. i'm not mad, just sort of flustered. get the picture? it has nothing to do with bull-fighting...i just thought i'd mention that i don't like it. we watched some in spanish today. i never knew that the point of the fight is to tire the bull out so that you can kill it.

wretched.

a fresh outlook

tonight, i went to the bonfire at the mccravy's. it was freezing. i'm not sure if i've been that cold in awhile. of course, the side of my body that was facing the fire felt as if at any moment it would burst into flames, while every 15 seconds i had to chip icicles from the other side of me. but we roasted marshmallows and drank hot chocolate. it was a beautiful night. and someone said something that i needed to hear. it inspired me to do things differently from now on. i think things are getting better.

[listening to: keane]

more often than not

i'm confused. i'm not sure how to handle things right now. it seems like things would be simpler if i lived under my bed and didn't interact with other human beings. maybe i should try it, and after a year or so, my problems would be solved. unfortunately, living under my bed isn't an option.

i feel like i'm walking on broken glass. if i move too fast, or step in the wrong places, i'll get cut. except it's really not me... it's other people. they seem to have a problem with every little thing that i do, or that's how it seems to be. i might just be blowing things out of proportion, which i suppose i often tend to do. or maybe i really am messing things up, but i'm just not seeing it.

even though i'm not really being detailed about my situation, i'd appreciate any words of encouragement.

tonight i'm going to youth at the mccravy's. i've heard rumor of some sort of bonfire. i'd enjoy that... cold nights + bonfires = a happy steven. this evening may get better. we'll wait and see. oh and by the way, i just made 20+ notecards for biology, on cloning. my mind is absolutely numb.

adios.

[listening to: losing a whole year - third eye blind]
[mood: pleasantly devoid of understanding]