there goes my hero

here i sit. it's 11:53 PM on a friday night. i'm exhausted, but i know that if i were to go to my bed and try to sleep, i'd toss and turn. in the past week, my family's life has been flipped upside down. and God's faithfulness has been more evident than ever before. there are times when i really just want to sit down and cry - and to be honest, there have been times that i have. other times, i just want to stand on a box in the middle of the street, and yell to the world, "Stop!". Doesn't anyone realize what has happened? It seems like everyone should pause with what they are doing, and just be quiet for awhile. No - life goes on. And sometimes, the only way to move on, is to do it while holding the hand of God.

In the past couple of months, my grandfather's health has quickly gone downhill. He hadn't been to a hospital (besides normal checkups) since 1942. In other words, he was the picture of good health. He exercised daily, read books, kept a garden, painted, and cooked - just to name a few. My grandpa also served in World War II, and was stationed in places like Japan, the Philippines, and New Guinea. He was the best son, father, brother, and grandfather anyone could ask for. He was my hero.

A few months ago, my grandpa went in to the hospital to have a heart catherization done. Technically, I'm not sure what all that involves, but I felt confident that it wouldn't be a big deal, and he'd be out of the hospital in a few days. A couple of nights after he left the hospital, he developed a sudden blood clot in his leg, and had to be rushed to the emergency room. While there, the doctors discovered some abnormalities with his heart, which we had known about, but weren't aware of how the problem had progressed. My grandma and grandpa moved into our home, and lived with us - we felt that it would be safer this way, so that we could all be close together.

The time that I have been able to spend with my grandpa over the last several weeks have been priceless. A relative so rightly stated, "When Paul wrote Galatians 5 (The Fruits of the Spirit), he had Wallace in mind". Grandpa cared so much for others, and so little for himself. I'm so proud to be named after him. Maybe someday, I'll live up to even just a little bit of the legacy that my grandpa has left behind.

One week ago today, my grandpa had a cardiac arrest. He stopped breathing for a short period of time, but my mom was able to revive him until the paramedics arrived. He was placed in CICU (Cardiac Intensive Care Unit) and kept on a ventilator, to assist his breathing. We made the decision to take him off of the ventilator, according to his wishes - and he began to breathe on his own, but with much effort.

He was moved to the Hospice Care Center early this week, which is where he stayed until yesterday evening. At about 5:50 PM, my grandpa, Cleve Wallace Holmes, went to be with the Lord. This has been the hardest loss I have ever experienced - nothing compares to the hurt I feel inside after losing him. I count myself blessed, though, to have been able to maintain a close relationship with him, and to be able to have spent such precious time with him before he died.

Only 10 minutes before he died, I was able to play guitar for my grandpa one last time. I don't know if he could hear me or not - and I don't know if I ever will. But I'd like to think that he did hear, and that the music that I played was able to usher him into the Lord's arms. It meant alot to me - God's timing is absolutely perfect.

I appreciate everyone who has been there for my family and myself over the past few days. Your friendships are invaluable to us. I'm resting in the peace that God has given me in the fact that my grandpa is now healed, and is fellowshiping with his Creator in paradise - and will do so for eternity.

fragile masks of faith

If you were to approach an average brother or sister in Christ and ask of them "Do you have faith in God?", how do you believe they would respond? Aside from the initial confusion that they may show due to your boldness, I believe they would say something like this: "Well, sure I do. I mean, I'm a Christian. I try to trust God in everything that I do."

Many Christians glide through life clinging to a faith in God that is paperthin. "Everything I do", the activity noted by the fictional Christian above, consists of, well, the usual. You know, going to school, going to church, enduring the occasional spat with peers. Maybe a little bit of suffering, every now and then. We trust God in areas like our schoolwork, our grades, and whatever other concerns that may arise in our everyday lives, which by no means is the wrong thing to do. However, how much trust is really involved in those avenues of life? My question is: when do we really trust? I believe that our faith, as Christians, can only be adequately confirmed when we are faced with suffering that requires a dependence on something besides our own strength. It is then when our true loyalties are revealed, and whether or not we are willing to place our best interests in the hands of our Heavenly Father.

I don't aim to condemn Christians who are wearing their faith like fragile masks. Because if that were my goal, then I'd really be condemning myself. I only mean to challenge those who are in need inspiration, and to encourage those who are in the grip of discouragement. For if our faith lies in anything besides the power of God, then we are ill-equipped to withstand the flames that we will be faced with.

In the book of Romans 5:3-4, it says this: "We can rejoice too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they are good for us- they help us learn to endure. And endurance develops strength of character in us, and character strengthens our confident expectation of salvation". What is God's purpose in suffering? It is to make us stronger - to fortify the stronghold that He is building in our hearts. It serves as preparation for what ever else we may face in life. However, we can walk in confidence knowing that Christ has prepared us a way in life - one that may not be easy - but has been divinely planned.

Don't cash in your hope in Christ for the stale, temporary hope found in this world. I'd advise everyone to read the first part of Romans 5 (not just the verse that i cited). Don't let your faith become weak because it isn't in use. If you aren't facing hardship, pray for those who are. However, be prepared to lean on God whenever trials emerge - for He is the only foundation that will be left standing when the dust settles.

breaking like a window

i decided to post something before even knowing what i'd post. and i began this paragraph not knowing exactly what it would contain. i seem to have a knack for restating things. i come up with creative little similes and metaphors to describe life, and in each post, i come up with a new one, just so i don't feel like i'm saying the same thing over and over (which i really do), and so that my faithful readers don't get bored (most of you probably already are).

i like similes and metaphors, i guess. so that's why i use them so much.

i've eaten two meals in the past two days. i feel so sick. and so not-hungry. i don't know what's going on. on second thought, i actually have a pretty good idea, but i dare not try to type about it for fear of feeling worse. bleh.

i've been somewhat infatuated with a certain album lately. this album is entitled "how the lonely keep", by terminal. i'm usually not too crazy about harder music, but terminal happens to be an exception. the music is well thought out, along with the lyrics. and it's just rockin'. give "foster", "dark", or "wisher" a listen. or the whole album.

the last 4 "paragraphs" have begun with 'i'. i am humiliated to be so self-centered. despite my intentions to live with others in mind, it's obvious that i'm failing, because my mind seems to flip around and focus on myself more often than not. i wish changing was easier.

if i were the sort of person who is able to make new year's resolutions and keep them, i'd resolve to do the following:

• be genuine
• put the interests of others above my own
• pray earnestly
• work diligently

the list actually goes on a lot longer than that. but those are some that i've been thinking about alot recently.

i might write more later.

the final semester

in two days, i will begin my final semester of high school. the reality of that statement still hasn't completely hit me, i don't think. but it's a crazy thought. and i feel much more inclined to work my tail off this semester moreso than any other, just because this is the last one.

and boy, it will be quite a semester. i'm taking chemistry and algebra II from GCS. both of those classes are considerably challenging - chemistry more than algebra, i believe. i am also taking english 101 and computer from piedmont tech. and government independently. i have a hard road ahead of me. feel free to send me notes, balloons, and cash donations.

today is a rainy day, which is nice, until you have to do things outdoors. then it sort of spoils everything. but i'm thinking that the rain won't last forever, so that's okay.

i was thinking about going to see 'memoirs of a geisha' tonight. i've heard that it was good, and it looks good. but i don't think i'm going to. maybe another night. but annyyyways.

i was in greenville last week (at the mall) and locked my keys in my car. it was incredibly humiliating, and i really hope that i never do it again - but i know i will. i just need to get one of those spare key holders that you can hide underneath your car. then i'll always be prepared.

hmm. i thought that i had more to write, but apparently i don't.

so maybe more later.