i don't have much of an appetite.


fall in love

it's been a month since the fourth of july

okay, so maybe not exactly a month, but we're close enough, and it was appropriate for me to use that as my 'title' since it's a line from the song i am listening to >> "recovery room", the jealous sound. so if any of you have never heard it, i would advise you either to find me and sit with me in my car for a few minutes to enjoy it, or download it or something. it's worth your while.

so last night i saw ben folds live. i think it was one of the many items on a constantly growing list of things i'd like to do before i die. one down, 100,000 to go. ben folds has more showmanship than anyone i have ever seen. for that, i love him. if you want details about yesterday, i can give them to you in person, because they'd probably be much more interesting that way.

life has been throwing me curve balls lately. don't misunderstand me though - they are somewhat pleasant curve balls, or could potentially be. they are just situations that i never foresaw and don't always know how to handle. that's why it's so much easier to let God do the "handling" and let me do the "trusting"... which i'm also quite awful at. but it must be done.

i have about a week left to finish us history and consumer math. it's more than possible for me to do so, i just need to put forth about 100% more effort than i've been putting forth as of late.

and i'd like to take a trip to a zoo pretty soon, after having a recent conversation with a friend about interesting zoos can be. as a matter of fact, even the word "zoo" is quite interesting.

i leave you with that.

Episode II of the Tragic Buick LeSabre Saga

The day began just as any other would. I awoke staring sleepily at the plain white ceiling. Showered, ate breakfast, and headed to work. To set the mood a little bit, I must inform you all that yesterday I was left with no choice but to abandon my usual transportation, "The Buick", at my workplace. Why? It was in one of those moods. I was forced to depend on the golden Volvo to accommodate my driving needs, and it performed decently - however, nothing beats the crisp sound system of the now broken Buick.

After a completely uneventful day at work, I headed out into the sweltering heat to see if the Buick would come through for me. To my utter delight, it roared to life with such zeal that I felt like a small boy again. I figured that it would be best for me to go ahead and take this opportunity and run with it, before the car decided to fail me again. I hopped in, plugged in the iPod, and headed on my way. The thought of the car just "dying" in the middle of my voyage home never really crossed my mind. It had happened once, but like lightning, I never dreamed that such misfortune would strike the same defenseless driver twice. To my horror, shortly after I passed Greenwood High, the engine died. To my luck, however, I wasn't nearing an uphill stretch of road. After I finished celebrating my luck in not being at a hill, I realized that I'd need to find a place to pull over, or else I'd slow to a stop, and disgruntled drivers behind me would pull out their firearms. Finally, after scouring both sides of the road (and slowing to about 20 miles an hour in a 35 zone), I turned into a neighborhood called "Bell-Meade". If the spelling is incorrect, I apologize. I conveniently came to a stop completely blocking someones driveway.

Once I realized that I wasn't going to get home by sitting in the car and crying, I got out and assessed the damage. I came to the following conclusions:
(1. The car wasn't going to start
(2. I wasn't going to sprout wings, enabling me to soar home for help.
(3. No one would know I was stranded unless I gathered the courage to knock on one of the nearby doors asking for a phone (I foolishly left my cell-phone at home, not foreseeing this tragedy).

So that's what I did. I knocked on the nearest door (which happened to belong to a spooky and seemingly single red-headed man). He was nice enough, but was watching some awfully creepy murder movie in his living room. I stayed for the briefest amount of time possible. I simply couldn't stand his mysterious moustache and the rubbish-equivalent movie that was playing mute on his television.

After long, tireless minutes of waiting and wondering, the calvary (aka my dear mother) came to my rescue. We pushed the wounded vehicle forward, as to unobstruct (Not sure if that's a word) the driveway that it was in front of.

My mom drove me back to Bruster's so that I could at least drive the Volvo back home. I stopped at Chick-Fil-A for food on my way home.

This evening I plan to gather my emotions and maybe try my luck one more time in starting the car. If it happens to honor my efforts, I'll swiftly zoom over to Crider, where I'll park it and leave it to think about what it's done. Hopefully I'll have someone look at it in the next few days.

If this has never happened to you, count yourself blessed, and pray that it never does.


My car is a heartbreaker.

i will consider you gone.

if your car ever gets in one of those fiendish moods and decides to disappoint you by not starting when you need it most, just know this: i've been there.

i had bright plans for today. i spent the morning/afternoon mowing the lawn in the scorching summer sun, walking the impossibly thin line between fatigue and a heat-stroke [during this time, my family left for atlanta until tomorrow afternoon, loaning me the title "King of the House" for a short time].

after manicuring the lawn in a fashion martha stewart would have admired, i met andy at the civic center to play a little tennis, as we often like to do. actually, martha may not have admired my grass cutting. i don't really know if she ever does lawncare, but i needed an excuse to use her name in a post.

after the tennis playing, my plan was to hustle back to my house, shower, go pick up my paycheck from work, then go deposit money at the bank. then hoooopefully go to some musical event at anderson college with amanda and bethany.

these plans were going fine until the part where i wanted to crank my car. you have to understand, my car won't start unless it really wants to. 75% of the time, it doesn't want to. needless to say, my night has been crushed like a wingless moth in an avalanche.

so here i sit, home alone. ben folds is blaring through my computer speakers, offering competent compensation for my current disappointment.

in other news, life isn't getting any easier. i've been doing pretty well, but there are always issues that leave me dumbfounded and without direction.

i hope everyone is doing well.

chasing the fading daylight of the world around us

i'm so afraid of the future. i'm afraid that who i'm becoming isn't who i want to be. it's so far from who i was one year ago, and that thought is overwhelming.

and i realized tonight that the world has so much more to offer than what i have now. i mean, sure, my resources are limited and i can't shoot for the stars when i have nothing to take me there. but i can only take one step at a time, and i feel like i'm stepping backwards.

it seems like everyone these days are chasing what isn't real - some glimmering mirage in the distance, just waiting to disappoint you. it will only last for the amount of time it takes for you to see it up close. how much is that worth? nothing.

my naivety is so dumbfounding. i only THOUGHT i knew what was going on. i thought i knew how people worked. i really have no idea. i think i could use seclusion from everything for a little while, just to let myself breathe. maybe i could take off the mask that i wear half of the time and let my real eyes see the light of day. i'm sure it will be blinding.

i don't feel like i know much of anything anymore. and this isn't a plea for anyone to reassure me that i do. i'm so tired of that. this blog isn't a place for me to whine and then be complimented by everyone who reads it. it's chief purpose is to give me some peace of mind and let out some of my thoughts before they can drown me. if you want to comment, it's fine. i do appreciate it. but that's not why i write.

i've given so many wrong impressions in the last 24 hours, it makes me want to throw up..

goodnight everyone.