when there's nothing left to burn...

Life has been moving swimmingly as of late. Lots of things have been going on, and for most of these "things", I have just been going through the motions to get by. I recognize that this isn't a good habit to develop, and I hope to reconcile these mistakes somehow soon. But things have been good.

I find my thoughts wandering every now and then. I think alot about the future, whether it be things I'll be doing in the next couple of weeks, or things I'll be doing in the next couple of months, or even year. It's normal, I guess - but I find myself a nervous wreck sometimes. It's like this: there are things that I know that I need to do. And I know that I can do them. And I suppose that I know how I'll do them. I'm just scared to death of doing them. And maybe I'm just scared for the sake of being so. I'm not sure. But I know everything will be worth the fear when all is said and done.

After reading back over the last paragraph, I've come tot he conclusion that I've mastered the art of writing vaguely. And I've also mastered the art of feeling no remorse for my ambiguous writing. So I'm sorry that I'm so good at writing like that, because I know it's annoying.

Next semester is approaching me with the appearance of a derailed train. It is going to be just about everything besides easy. I'll be taking two courses at GCS - Chemistry and Algebra II. And I will also be taking English 101 and Computer from Piedmont Tech - those classes will count for college credit, thankfully. Then I am going to be doing Government on my own at home. My plate is going to be filled academically, not to mention everything else that life tends to throw my way. Yahoo for an exciting last semester of high-school.

It's 12:47. I've been habitually getting to sleep at 2:30 or later for the past few nights, and proceeding to wake at noon or later. For this, I feel no better than a three-toed sloth. I'm actually a little bit humiliated for even admitting to that. But I suppose that I'm only making the most of my Christmas vacation, before the reckoning begins in January (when school recommences). So, as means to prepare my body for the "normal" sleeping schedule that I'll need to adhere to in a couple of weeks, I believe I'll romp my way towards my bedroom, and hopefully succeed in falling asleep before too late.

Santa

I heard something absolutely disgusting/frightening earlier today. Apparently, the average American gains roughly 7 pounds during the Christmas holidays. I have taken it upon myself to not let that happen to me this year. Because I just don't think my body could handle any extra weight. I'm gonna have to take it easy on the gingerbread cookies for a couple of weeks.

On a more encouraging page, Santa Claus is indeed coming to town. Speaking of coming to town, the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is probably the creepiest holiday song in history. I hate knowing that "he sees me when I'm sleeping" and "he knows when I'm awake". It's like he has been peeking through my bedroom window, keeping my every move under strict surveillance. On second thought, Santa can stay at the North Pole this Christmas.

Maybe I just have the pre-Christmas jitters. Maybe I haven't been good enough this year. Maybe I'm afraid that when I wake on Christmas morn, I will find that my stocking has been filled with coal.

Or mayybee I still have tons of Christmas shopping to do, and I'm on edge because Christmas is less than a week away. There is so much to do - you don't know half of it.

It's 12:07, and my eyes are involuntarily closing, which is a pretty good sign that I need to be heading towards the bed (after brushing my teeth and washing my face, of course). I hope everyone is having an astounding Christmas season.

the weather outside is frightful

It seems a bit mundane for the weather to be so ridiculously cold and we aren't reaping any snow out of the deal. In fact, I feel a little bit cheated. If I'm going to endure the chapped lips, dry skin, frozen car engines, and runny noses, I'd at least like to romp around in some snow to lift my spirits.

And Christmas.... is so ridiculously close. As of last night, I have accomplished 2/8 of my total Christmas shopping. I love buying gifts for people, but I usually have insufficent funds to purchase what I'd like to. I'm also not a really good shopper, and I usually have to have someone with me to give me input on things. But I would far rather be shopping for someone else than for myself. Shopping for myself usually stresses me out.

Tomorrow is my last day of "real" classes. In fact, I really only have one class that I have to go to. I take my exam in Spanish III at 9:45 or so. I highly anticipate ending that class. Although it has been an overwhelming joy to dive headfirst into another language, I'm satisfied with speaking English for right now. And I'm sure that all Spanish-speakers are satisfied with that as well, because my Spanish is absolutely awful.

And I also believe that I'm going to see King Kong tomorrow night. Which I'm really looking forward to alot. I've seen maybe 3 previews to it, and those were enough to pique my interest in it. Aaaand Jack Black is in it.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading this bland entry. I'm confident that it contained much of little interest to anyone else. Haha. Merry Christmas.

[listening to: pete yorn]
[mood: passive]

on a brighter note

things really aren't so bad.


i'm sorry for ending the last post so drearily, really.
because there's no good reason for doing that.

shivering

this winter season is hitting me like a sledgehammer. not only has the cold weather made my skin abominably dry, it has also had negative effects on my mood - as i'm sure has been the case with most people.

i don't care how cliche this sounds. i have a weight on my heart. in the past, i've considered myself stressed out by schoolwork, or a busy schedule. i now find myself more stressed than i have been in my life. i don't mean to be negative, but i know that i am. however, since this is a place that i can freely drain most- if not all- pressures of life onto an empty page, i don't feel compelled to refrain from doing so. and you have my apologies for being so crabby.

i was hesitant to write anything at all, actually. my current state leaves me with no desire to put forth any effort to do much of anything that requires creative output. i know that sounds ridiculously dismal - and i suppose that it is. i'm not really in a terrible mood 24/7. in fact, i wouldn't say that i'm in a terrible mood right now. i'm just worn sort of thin - much like a stretched rubber band.

i'm sincerely striving to be aware of others, though. and to be aware of God's strong hand in my life. i know that it is in times like these that my only logical choice is to lean on Him. and sometimes, doing that is harder than you'd believe.

colorblind

today has been reminiscent of a black and white movie. nothing bad has happened, but i just don't feel very good. i awoke to the sensation of suffocation. i couldn't breathe out of my nose whatsoever, my voice was really weak, and my throat felt like it was closing up. i stayed in bed 20 minutes longer than i should have, but those 20 minutes haven't yet had a negative effect on my day.

before leaving for school, i took two teaspoons of the most repulsive purple medicine on the planet. i think it may have helped for an hour or so, but i can already tell that my ailments from this morning are looming overhead. i expect congestion to hit me hard again any second.

the harsh gray weather outside compliments my physical condition nicely. in fact, if you were able to paint a picture of how i feel right now, i'm sure it would look similar to the pale heavy clouds hanging above my house.

and i have zero appetite, which can't be good. i had two pieces of toast for breakfast, and 1/4 of a granola bar for lunch. i should be famished.

on a different note, there have been some interesting changes in our dress-code at bruster's lately. i arrived last night to discover that they are requiring all employees to wear santa hats on top of the usual red visor. i can only assume that this was designed to help the employees (and customers) to get into the holiday spirit. i only wish that "reindeer antlers" was an option as an alternative to the santa hat. i'd like that more.

this is going to be a long long long three weeks. hopefully, my little sickness will pass quickly and make things slightly easier. that would be wonderful.

that's all for now. i hope everyone is doing fantastic.

happy in dependence

[stolen from my sister's deviant art page. she's amazing.]

is this what you were talking about?

I Don't Want Excuses

During the past 2 weeks, I've developed shin splints in my right leg. I remember suffering with this same injury during soccer season, and now it has returned to curse my attempts to maintain physical fitness. After running at least 2 miles nearly every day last week, I began feeling something in my right shin which I'd rather not ever feel again. I could hardly bend my foot forward or backward without a being attacked by immediate pain in my shin - which made the mere task of walking a bit challenging, at times. I felt like maybe stretching it on a regular basis would ease the soreness that I felt, and I could get back to running. Lo' and behold, I was wrong, and it only intensified the pain.

I decided to consult my father, a physician, as to what I should do. In retrospect, I really should have asked him from the very beginning. I instead depended on my dim intellect to concoct a remedy to my problems, and to my dismay, wounded myself more than I was to begin with. He said that I should take pain relievers 3 times a day (or when needed) and keep from running (or doing anything that may put stress on my shin) until it was healed fully.

This past weekend, I went to Ilinois. The weather there was similar to an arctic tundra, and, needless to say, I did no running - for fear that I would die in the sub-zero temperatures, either by polar bear attack or frostbite. Or both. Anyhow, when I awoke this morning, I noticed that I felt very little pain in my shin. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I interpreted this as a "green light" for me to pick back up running.

I went to the Y today and tested my hypothesis. I was hardly able to run a mile without my shin giving way. And now the pain is back full-swing, and I've learned my lesson.


Pooey. I don't want excuses like this.

I Am Ready For The Flames

I'm going to address a controversial topic during this post. As a forewarning, there are alot of avenues of religion in which I am theologically ignorant. However, I hold fast to my beliefs, and am confident that all that I believe can be backed up with the Word of God. I'd like to open this post up to anyone/everyone else who happens to know more than myself (aka everyone) about it, so that I can be educated in the process. There's alot that I don't understand, and there's a little that I do. Here's a little bit.

I was talking to my sister earlier tonight about the contrasting beliefs of various denominations. I'll go ahead and say it: I don't like denominations. I think that there is an essential skeleton of beliefs and commitments that determine whether or not someone is a Christian. All of the other petty details can be sorted out once we get to Heaven. But I've come to terms with the fact that there is a need for separating bodies of believers according to specific beliefs about Christianity. I still don't like it.

Here is the one of the ideas that I just can't make sense of: God predestines those who will believe in Him, and those who won't. If this statement is true, then we really have no choice in our salvation. God has already chosen His army of believers, and has weeded out the ones that aren't going to accept salvation. I happen to believe that God has blessed us with a little thing called "free-will". Sure, He knows who will accept Him and who won't. That's what He does - He's omniscient. But there is a pretty clear distinction between knowing and choosing. God loves each and every one of His children. He longs for all of us to come to a saving knowledge of Him. Why wouldn't He? The thing is, He loved us enough to give us a choice in the matter, rather than administrate a universe of souls whose destinies He had already planned. He wants us to desire a relationship with Him.


That's what I think. I may have some things wrong. If so, correct me. I'd love to have some discussion on this topic.

leaves are falling

oh, by the way, autumn has to be the most beautiful season of the year.

today is such a lovely day. it makes me want to spend as much time outside as possible.

i love fall.

good times are gonna come

good things have been happening lately. and the only thing i can really attribute the cause to is God's abounding love - even in the little things. i've been learning alot lately. and i like learning.

i went to a ben folds show last night in Atlanta. it was the second time i've seen him. i can't say that two times is enough, but i'm content for now. he's probably one of my favorite performers ever. probably.

i've been praying more than i've ever prayed in my life lately. for some reason, i'm in a funny stage in life when i realize that i hardly know anything at all. and i'm slowly becoming okay with that. i've been having to surrender things to God daily. it seems like every time i turn around, i'm having to say "okay God, this is Yours." it's probably both the hardest and most fulfilling procedures ever. trust can be so hard when can't see anything ahead of you. it's like being blind-folded and led by a friend. they can see, and you can't. therefore, you have to believe that they have your well-being in mind. and i think believing that can be the hardest part.


i'm really excited about the next several months... because i have no idea what is going to happen.

yeeesh

some days i want to just sprout wings and fly away.



even if only for a little while.

The Sizing Crisis

I've recently come upon a problem that I have suffered with for quite awhile. It concerns the clothes that I buy, and the way that they fit me. Now, in all honesty, I have a handful of t-shirts that fit fine and that I love. However, those shirts are a minority compared to the t-shirts that fit strangely.

For example, I ordered two t-shirts awhile back that I anxiously anticipated wearing. I ordered medium, because, I mean, when has "Medium" ever not fit me? They arrived, and as I eagerly ripped open the package and surveyed the contents, I was immediately dismayed. I realized that the universal sizing for "Medium" had been changed to "Extra Extra Large" and no one told me. Because these shirts were clearly not mediums. I would have sent them back for a new size, except that I had sent them back once before - they were first sent to me as "Child's Small".

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered a shirt whose arrival I also looked forward to. I skeptically ordered it as "Small", seeing as "Medium" didn't work out so well for me before. It arrived, and upon slipping it on and displaying it to family and friends, I recieved mixed reviews. Some said "Hey, looks great!" while others bashfully told me that it made me look like a toilet roll, and simply fit weird.

So it seems that my body is stuck at some "mystery size" that is floating somewhere in between "Medium" and "Small". The trouble is, no one makes shirts in "Mystery Size".

So, the dilema I'm faced with now is this: Should I return the shirt that I have now for a Medium and risk it being too large? Or should I bravely stick with the Small and hope that it stretches a little bit over time?

The polls are open. Cast your vote.

....

as of 4:30 today, i had not cried for one year and five months.


at 4:40 today, that clock reset.




i've never felt more helpless.
my hands feel tied behind my back.

i didn't want it to mean that much to me

this was the view from my house in the philippines.

yes, it was amazing.

and yes, i miss it.

i should have seen this coming...

i haven't completed reading a book in such a long time.

i'm pretty sure that this fact has been draining the creative juices out of me.

so i'm giving myself a goal; i'm going to read a book.

and i'm pretty sure that the book will be blue like jazz.

i've made the selection hurriedly, but sometimes hurried decisions end up being the best decisions.

...and there's this burning.

just like last year at about this time, i'm realizing that after living in a tropical asian country, i'm still not used to cold weather. we've hardly entered autumn, and i'm feel like i'm going to catch frostbite. but honestly, i enjoy cool weather. i've just been surprised at how not used to it i am. i suppose it's time to break out the coats and jackets and big fluffy blankets.

i've been having these inconsistent bursts of songwriting output lately. for example, i've gone for at least a week just tossing around old ideas and trying desperately to incorporate something fresh into them. after not being able to do so, i became frustrated and sad. i felt as if any skill that i may have previously possessed had somehow abandoned me to find someone more worthy of possessing it. last night, however, i sat on the edge of my bed with my guitar and wrote 3 or 4 neat little parts for songs. just know that when i say "neat little parts", that is only abiding by my standard of neat. but i like them, and i guess that's all that really counts right now.

ha. alright. well.

i don't feel like i've become a better person after writing this post. maybe some of you will feel better after reading it. seeing as hearing about my life is sooo enriching to everyone elses. hahaha.

bye.

sorry.

to anyone reading:
my last post wasn't meant to be griping self-centered plea for sympathy. i was reading back over it, and i saw how it could seem that way. but i wrote it at a time when alot of things were running through my mind, and i felt helpless. i apologize for anything/everything that may have come across the wrong way.

the quiet things that no one ever knows

i came dangerously close to posting one of those really vague posts. you know, the kind that has no real direction. the kind of post that leaves you with an obscure quote and the challenge for you to interpret it correctly. and everyone thinks in his or her own mind that they know where i'm coming from. i wonder if they do.

so, i decided against it. because i'd hate to give anyone the responsibility of reading my mind, especially when i have so much on it.

the one that i wanted to find

good afternoon, all of you.

my school-week is officially over, and i couldn't be any more pleased. i'm leaving for myrtle beach this evening with tim keeler, cory wilson, scott holiday, and david wright, for a weekend full of bikers, bass-playing, and beachtime. we're going to be playing outside of murrell's inlet mall tomorrow and on saturday, for a good bit of the day. then we're also playing for a chapel service on sunday morning, then we'll return later on sunday. we'll have to be on our guards, however, for this week is Biker Week '05. i'll have to be careful not to be snatched up by a mysterious biker. i'm thinking that it'll be pretty fun, though. plus, i love the beach. so hopefully, it won't be too cold, and i may be able to take a dip (or two).

but i'm also really quite tired. and i need a nap. soon.

there's a certain someone with an eighteenth birthday happening on sunday. and that someone's name is amanda. 18 is a pretty good number. and plus, you can vote. hurrah. happy birthday, amanda may.

so anyways, i need to go to the bank pretty soon (like today) to deposit a couple of paychecks. i'll be rollllliiin' in cash once i get that taken care of. hot dang.

i hope everyone has a suuuuper safe weekend. don't do anything dumb.

caleb the dreamer

i was recently informed of two dreams that my six year old brother, caleb, has had in the past week. both could easily be made into some sort of cartoon or video game. enjoy.

dream number one: caleb began describing this dream by saying that he was "really small". he proceeded to explain that he was in the yard riding atop his trusty centipede. he was then struck by lightning. [/end]

dream number two: caleb found himself wandering through the shadowy halls of a castle, and stumbled into a secret room. in the room, he found a guinea pig wearing a crown and a cape. the guinea pig gave him a peppermint. [/end]

itsy bitsy

this morning began just as most mornings do. i pressed the "snooze" button on my alarm clock about five times, in ten minute intervals. once i had wasted nearly an hour, swinging back and forth between the states of being asleep and being sort of asleep, i decided that the time had come for me to brave the day.

as i was pulling out of my driveway, and onto the main road, i saw a small movement in the corner of my eye. ignorantly and much to my regret, i paid this "warning sign" no attention.

five minutes later, i found myself face to face with death, epitomized as a menacing little spider. he was sitting on my lap, seeming to grin at me as he crawled hurriedly up my shirt. all the while, i'm swerving into the other lane and back, trying to maintain my calm. i was doing a very bad job. once the little devil had reached the collar of my shirt, i felt that it was dire for me to take action. i was quite sure that if i didn't, he'd crawl into my clothing, create himself a home and raise a little family of baby spiders. my hand slowly made it's way towards the little monster. i grimaced with every inch. i finally was able to snatch him up, and toss him out the window.

... i don't think i've seen the last of little mister spider. if not him, then i am confident that one of his little cousins will emerge from beneath the seat of my car as i'm driving to school, and the cycle will repeat.


moral: steven is scared of spiders [hey! that's an alliteration! sort of.]

the dying breaths of a blog

this blog is inches from destruction, for undisclosed reasons. i feel a need for change. that change may be the tearing down of this page, and the creation of something new. or maybe even the tearing down of this page, and the creation of nothing new. i'll know in a couple of days what i should do.

i wish that i could read minds. however, i suppose that if i were given that ability, all of the suspense would be drained from my life, and i'd eventually become bored. i sometimes just get wary of not knowing what's going on.

i've lost nearly 5 pounds in the last week, and i haven't an explanation. well, except for my appetite, which doesn't actively exist anymore. at least it's not the appetite i used to know. the one that always demanded to be appeased. i find myself eating 2-3 meager meals a day, reaching "fullness" after hardly anything.

the varsity boys reigned victorious in their game yesterday - 8 goals to none. they made my heart glad.


i suppose that's all for now. i'm pretty tired, and i have some school work to tend to.


byeeeee.

so long, sweet summer

[the end]

your words hit like a train

it's like you know what i'm thinking
and whatever you want to say
always comes out the perfect way


sunny blunder had a show last night at NBT,
my amp died in the middle of a song.
cool, huh.


school is starting in two days. that's too soon. there's still so many things i want to do. mmm. whateverrr. i'm still working on my schedule. it's starting to look like i'll be taking a minimal amount of classes at GCS, and a handful from Piedmont Tech/home.




"you are the star that's in my sky
and i am yours and you are miiiiine"
[listening to: the rocket summer]
[mood: heh]

you have my attention, like you've had all the while

i'm sitting alone in my house. i could probably list about eight better uses for my time than blogging, but i need to write. it helps to clear my mind- and at the moment, my mind resembles a tropical storm. alot has been happening in my life lately.

last night, one of my younger twin brothers, Caleb, got sick with a fever. this morning, he was still doing terribly, after throwing up several times, having an abnormally high temperature, and complaining of a headache, and just not being himself at all. after i showered, i drove my mom and caleb to the Abbeville Hospital, in hopes that they'd be able discover the cause of his illness (my other brother, Josh, and my Dad went to our new house to paint while we went to the hospital). I waited in the van, not knowing that the afternoon would last as long as it did. Juan Bonetti (who was treating Caleb) came out to the van and told me that they were going to need to take Caleb to the emergency room to give him an IV because he was really dehydrated and not doing so well. so i drove around the hospital to the emergency room side, and waited for even longer. finally, my mom came out and told me that i could come inside. as i entered the room, i saw my small, fragile brother laying in the hospital bed, wrapped in his favorite blanket, and hooked to an IV. he seemed really tired, but he was able to talk. they finally discovered that he has strep throat, so they prescribed him antibiotics and did various other procedures.

in the meantime, i had to leave the hospital to run errands in greenwood (the majority of which ended up being less than successful). and here i am at home, counting down the hours before i must leave for work at 8 o'clock. i'm the epitome of unenthusiastic.

i decided two days ago that i'm not going to be playing soccer this year. there are alot of things that led me to this decision - believe me, it wasn't an easy one. you can ask me about sometime if you want. i don't feel like writing it all out on here right now.




sunny blunder update

that's all for now.

i don't have much of an appetite.


fall in love

it's been a month since the fourth of july

okay, so maybe not exactly a month, but we're close enough, and it was appropriate for me to use that as my 'title' since it's a line from the song i am listening to >> "recovery room", the jealous sound. so if any of you have never heard it, i would advise you either to find me and sit with me in my car for a few minutes to enjoy it, or download it or something. it's worth your while.

so last night i saw ben folds live. i think it was one of the many items on a constantly growing list of things i'd like to do before i die. one down, 100,000 to go. ben folds has more showmanship than anyone i have ever seen. for that, i love him. if you want details about yesterday, i can give them to you in person, because they'd probably be much more interesting that way.

life has been throwing me curve balls lately. don't misunderstand me though - they are somewhat pleasant curve balls, or could potentially be. they are just situations that i never foresaw and don't always know how to handle. that's why it's so much easier to let God do the "handling" and let me do the "trusting"... which i'm also quite awful at. but it must be done.

i have about a week left to finish us history and consumer math. it's more than possible for me to do so, i just need to put forth about 100% more effort than i've been putting forth as of late.

and i'd like to take a trip to a zoo pretty soon, after having a recent conversation with a friend about interesting zoos can be. as a matter of fact, even the word "zoo" is quite interesting.

i leave you with that.

Episode II of the Tragic Buick LeSabre Saga

The day began just as any other would. I awoke staring sleepily at the plain white ceiling. Showered, ate breakfast, and headed to work. To set the mood a little bit, I must inform you all that yesterday I was left with no choice but to abandon my usual transportation, "The Buick", at my workplace. Why? It was in one of those moods. I was forced to depend on the golden Volvo to accommodate my driving needs, and it performed decently - however, nothing beats the crisp sound system of the now broken Buick.

After a completely uneventful day at work, I headed out into the sweltering heat to see if the Buick would come through for me. To my utter delight, it roared to life with such zeal that I felt like a small boy again. I figured that it would be best for me to go ahead and take this opportunity and run with it, before the car decided to fail me again. I hopped in, plugged in the iPod, and headed on my way. The thought of the car just "dying" in the middle of my voyage home never really crossed my mind. It had happened once, but like lightning, I never dreamed that such misfortune would strike the same defenseless driver twice. To my horror, shortly after I passed Greenwood High, the engine died. To my luck, however, I wasn't nearing an uphill stretch of road. After I finished celebrating my luck in not being at a hill, I realized that I'd need to find a place to pull over, or else I'd slow to a stop, and disgruntled drivers behind me would pull out their firearms. Finally, after scouring both sides of the road (and slowing to about 20 miles an hour in a 35 zone), I turned into a neighborhood called "Bell-Meade". If the spelling is incorrect, I apologize. I conveniently came to a stop completely blocking someones driveway.

Once I realized that I wasn't going to get home by sitting in the car and crying, I got out and assessed the damage. I came to the following conclusions:
(1. The car wasn't going to start
(2. I wasn't going to sprout wings, enabling me to soar home for help.
(3. No one would know I was stranded unless I gathered the courage to knock on one of the nearby doors asking for a phone (I foolishly left my cell-phone at home, not foreseeing this tragedy).

So that's what I did. I knocked on the nearest door (which happened to belong to a spooky and seemingly single red-headed man). He was nice enough, but was watching some awfully creepy murder movie in his living room. I stayed for the briefest amount of time possible. I simply couldn't stand his mysterious moustache and the rubbish-equivalent movie that was playing mute on his television.

After long, tireless minutes of waiting and wondering, the calvary (aka my dear mother) came to my rescue. We pushed the wounded vehicle forward, as to unobstruct (Not sure if that's a word) the driveway that it was in front of.

My mom drove me back to Bruster's so that I could at least drive the Volvo back home. I stopped at Chick-Fil-A for food on my way home.

This evening I plan to gather my emotions and maybe try my luck one more time in starting the car. If it happens to honor my efforts, I'll swiftly zoom over to Crider, where I'll park it and leave it to think about what it's done. Hopefully I'll have someone look at it in the next few days.

If this has never happened to you, count yourself blessed, and pray that it never does.


My car is a heartbreaker.

i will consider you gone.

if your car ever gets in one of those fiendish moods and decides to disappoint you by not starting when you need it most, just know this: i've been there.

i had bright plans for today. i spent the morning/afternoon mowing the lawn in the scorching summer sun, walking the impossibly thin line between fatigue and a heat-stroke [during this time, my family left for atlanta until tomorrow afternoon, loaning me the title "King of the House" for a short time].

after manicuring the lawn in a fashion martha stewart would have admired, i met andy at the civic center to play a little tennis, as we often like to do. actually, martha may not have admired my grass cutting. i don't really know if she ever does lawncare, but i needed an excuse to use her name in a post.

after the tennis playing, my plan was to hustle back to my house, shower, go pick up my paycheck from work, then go deposit money at the bank. then hoooopefully go to some musical event at anderson college with amanda and bethany.

these plans were going fine until the part where i wanted to crank my car. you have to understand, my car won't start unless it really wants to. 75% of the time, it doesn't want to. needless to say, my night has been crushed like a wingless moth in an avalanche.

so here i sit, home alone. ben folds is blaring through my computer speakers, offering competent compensation for my current disappointment.

in other news, life isn't getting any easier. i've been doing pretty well, but there are always issues that leave me dumbfounded and without direction.

i hope everyone is doing well.

chasing the fading daylight of the world around us

i'm so afraid of the future. i'm afraid that who i'm becoming isn't who i want to be. it's so far from who i was one year ago, and that thought is overwhelming.

and i realized tonight that the world has so much more to offer than what i have now. i mean, sure, my resources are limited and i can't shoot for the stars when i have nothing to take me there. but i can only take one step at a time, and i feel like i'm stepping backwards.

it seems like everyone these days are chasing what isn't real - some glimmering mirage in the distance, just waiting to disappoint you. it will only last for the amount of time it takes for you to see it up close. how much is that worth? nothing.

my naivety is so dumbfounding. i only THOUGHT i knew what was going on. i thought i knew how people worked. i really have no idea. i think i could use seclusion from everything for a little while, just to let myself breathe. maybe i could take off the mask that i wear half of the time and let my real eyes see the light of day. i'm sure it will be blinding.

i don't feel like i know much of anything anymore. and this isn't a plea for anyone to reassure me that i do. i'm so tired of that. this blog isn't a place for me to whine and then be complimented by everyone who reads it. it's chief purpose is to give me some peace of mind and let out some of my thoughts before they can drown me. if you want to comment, it's fine. i do appreciate it. but that's not why i write.

i've given so many wrong impressions in the last 24 hours, it makes me want to throw up..

goodnight everyone.

here's the thing...

[taken at new brookland tavern]

i'm not "quitting" my blog, but i'm about to change some things around a bit. when i say "about to", that could mean in the next two days, or the next two weeks.

but i wanted to give everyone a heads up.

by now i thought you would have given up, but i think i like that you haven't

i've been having weird dreams lately. they actually just "started back", because i had them alot more a couple weeks ago, then last night i started having them again. they are undescribable. i've tried explaining it to different people, but i'm never really able to do them justice, because they are vast. and varied. and just awful and confusing.

in a nutshell, it's like i have these dreams that could or could not happen in the future and/or could have maybe happened in the past. then during the day, sometimes they happen. sometimes all of the memories of the dreams flood back into my mind...and it's overwhelming. it's not just events that are in my dream. voices. songs. images. everything. it's completely off-the-wall.

last night, i had several dreams, but the most notable one was one that seemed to be pre-apocalyptic or mid-apocalyptic. there were so many elements of the dream, i couldn't begin to list them. i don't even remember them all myself. but it was part thrilling and part terrifying.

that's it.

if everyone thinks that i have a psychological problem after saying all that, then, so be it. it's just been bothering me alot, and i don't know what's causing it all.


but it destroys my train of thought.


i wrote all of that in a rush, and i'm sort of fearful that any good reputation that i may have had for writing has now been thrown out to the dogs.

everything looks perfect from far away.

i'm having some trouble with life. it's nothing terribly important, yet it has become nearly impossible for me to get past. this another one of those "describing-the-situation-but-not-telling-you-what-it-is" sort of things. i'm sorry to do that so often.

i'm pretty tired. i'm weary from always having so much to do. i have a workload the size of Everest, and the more that i try to climb it, the further i seem to slip behind. my plans for diligently completing 3 classes this summer are slowly but steadily going up in smoke. work is, well, work. i get paid tomorrow, for which i am very glad. but that's not going to change anything. half of it will go into savings, and i really don't know what will become of the rest. i start teaching drum lessons tomorrow. i'm getting paid, but not a ridiculous sum. and then there's the things that i enjoy doing in my spare time: playing music, writing, taking photos, and such. i'm only able to involve myself in those things when i can find a little slot of time in my increasingly busy schedule.

maybe i'm overplaying things. i do that alot.



we should suspend ourselves between the stars.
we'd float above the passing cars.
and watch the sunrise from atop a cloud
and at the end of the day, we'd come back down

when expectations crumble like the berlin wall....

i'll be completely honest. my expectations for last night were pretty high. i won't say that i was overconfident, but i definitely felt like sunny blunder was practiced enough to put on a solid show. due to circumstances beyond and within our control, it didn't turn out to be solid as one might have hoped. but hopefully it wasn't a complete blow out, either.

thanks to all of you who came out! it was great seeing everyone, and i'm pretty sure we had one of the biggest crowds of any band there... which definitely helps sunny blunder's chances of being asked to play there again.

we got alot of positive feedback on our music, and plenty of sympathetic words concerning the death of troy's bass battery (which allowed me and andy to stall for 10 minutes playing the intro of our last song). all in all, however, the night left us with encouragement to seek more shows and the knowledge of how to improve ourselves once we get there.


thanks to all. last night was a fun night. i'll definitely let you know when we have another coming up! and hey - keep checking the site, because it's where plenty more info can be found, and plus, there's a message board. haha.


- steven

between blades of grass

i'm sitting in my backyard at the moment. oh, one of the many the joys of modern technology - wireless internet. i felt like a change. i'm tired of writing posts under the dull monotonous yellow glow of the light in my room. where is the inspiration in that? it's many times more gratifying to sit under the cloudless evening sky, to breathe fresh air, and to recieve inspiration from all sides. the sky, might i add, is the epitome of 'relax' tonight. it is the sort of blue that you wish your eyes could be (that is, if you indeed wanted blue eyes). but anyways, i'm sorry. i'm done ranting about my surroundings.

okay, not quite - the only downside i've noticed so far with posting outdoors is the fact that i'm currently suffering from temporary deafness in both ears due to the locamotive that has just clanked its way by my house, tooting all the while. if there were some better word than 'toot' to describe the sound it makes, i'd use it. but that will have to do. just know that when i say 'toot', it implies a sound that bursts the the strongest of eardrums on a regular basis.

last night my dreams were something to be noted. i dreamt about someone that i haven't talked to in quite sometime. the reason for dreaming of that person is lost on me, but, when i returned home and checked my email, there was a letter from them waiting for me. and since this morning, i've recieved two additional emails from them. i don't really...know. i can't really go into much detail about it, because, well, i just can't. but i wanted to share that oddity with all of you.

i had practice with sunny blunder today. parts of it were encouraging. other parts weren't. i'm mainly discouraged with myself. i either don't have good guitar parts for songs, or my effects don't cooperate, or my fingers don't play the right notes (which, i must say, is the most common scenario). i don't know. maybe sunny blunder deserves a better guitarist - someone who is more creative and solid and together. and i forgot about my keyboard part about 8 times today. i couldn't have felt any more unintelligent.

nonetheless, i'm still quite excited about this coming sunday. i'm not a seasoned performer, and i do get nervous, but i do enjoy performing. it thrills me.

i played tennis today, and enjoyed it immensely.


wow. i'm just looking up into the sky, and all of the blue swallows my vision. it's quite amazing. i only wish that i could venture to some place where there were no lights or trees or buildings to distract my eyes from the magnificent sky. skies are good things to look at. i need to do it much more often.



and i need to post out here more often, too.

another sunny blunder show!

Just thought I'd spread the word on another Sunny Blunder show that is coming up in the next week. We'll be playing a full-band set of 5-6 songs at the New Brookland Tavern in Columbia, South Carolina, on Sunday, June 19. NBT is hosting a "New Music Night", at which Sunny Blunder was invited to play. We'll probably be playing at about 9:00 PM.

Need more information? Talk to me, or visit www.sunnyblunder.com/ or www.newbrooklandtavern.com/

Admission is $3.00. We hope to see everyone out there! Remember, the more of a crowd that we draw to the show, the more chance we have of NBT asking us to play again. Bring your friends, family, and extended family.

the driest desert

if you were to fly an old jet over the vast golden plains of the Sahara desert during the hottest months of summer, then abruptly dump me and my computer out into the sand to fend for ourselves, i'd probably cry. but something else would happen; something much more interesting, probably. you'd be given an accurate image of where i am right now, with my computer in tow, of course - in the otherwise lush land of blogging. i'm in a desert.

translation: i've reached nearly a week (or more) of not posting anything of importance, and somehow, i'm okay with that. i apologize to the few of you who regularly check my page and are left disappointed when you see the same old post remaining and gathering dust.

something fresh is coming. i'm waiting for motivation.

directions to black cow

go here and you will find directions: http://sunnyblunder.com/phpBB/viewtopic.php?p=4700#4700

rescheduled

I'm sorry to throw this on everyone at such short notice, but, the show that was previously planned to be at 8:00 PM tomorrow will actually take place at 9:00 PM or shortly thereafter. This rescheduling is due to another event that is happening at the same venue. Somehow the times got mixed up. Anyways, I hope that this doesn't impair anyones availability to come, and I hope to see you all out there!

[more details are in a previous post]

the sun still shines in the summertime...

be good to me

I've been thinking alot about life lately.

...After reading that, many of you may have already built these expectations being greeted by some great philosophical insight if you continue reading. I'm here to crush those insignificant expectations, only because I have absolutely no ground-breaking insights to present you with - I use violence to compensate for that, thus the crushing of your expectations.

Right, so moving on... I had practice with sunny blunder today. It went well. I'm excited about playing on Friday, but I still have quite alot of work to do with working on parts, etc. I do hope many of you will be able to make it - if not for the music, then at least the magnificent drinks and atmosphere at the Black Cow.

Starting tomorrow, my care-free summer schedule will be consumed like an unknowing rabbit is stalked by a starved Hungarian river fox (I enjoy giving my animals nationalities). I begin training for my employment at Bruster's tomorrow. I'll be getting paid for training, which is a tantalizing thought, but I have yet to fully memorize the numerous pages of information that they gave me several weeks ago. I hope that they decide to extend mercy to me.

jazz music relaxes me to the umpteenth degree.

my hair is growing slowly but surely.


[listening to: naima - john coltrane]
[mood: restless]

the time has come...

i'd like to personally invite all of you out to the Black Cow this Friday evening (the 3rd of June). Sunny Blunder will be playing an acoustic set at a time that is yet to be determined (probably 7-8ish). We're all pretty excited about getting to play, since it's been quite a while since we've been able to do so. We'd love to see anyone/everyone there who is able to make it. If you need directions, you can IM me on AOL at the screen name "jane can win", or check the website for more info.

Again, don't hesistate to IM me if you desire more information. I'm looking forward to seeing you there!

it's funny...

this summer is a funny thing. you see, at this point in my summer, i'd typically be overcome with a blissful sense of detachment knowing that I had no real responsibilities to tend to for the upcoming 2 or so months. no schedules, no plans, no commitments. just an unmapped road ahead - inviting me to embark on its uncharted trails. i don't feel that right now. in fact, i don't really feel like school has ended. sure, i don't have to go to class and endure tireless lecture and assignment, but that doesn't mean that i have nothing else unpleasant to do. i have 3 classes to finish this summer: US History, Government, and Consumer math. I wouldn't be concerned with that if those were my only worries over break. However, I have a job at Bruster's, and who knows what kind of hellish hours they are going to force me to work. Plus, I've been asked to teach drum lessons and to help in the orchestra for the play Joseph at the Community Theater. Of course, I'd get paid for these things (not the schoolwork). I'd get paid especially well for the theater production. But there is a fine line that separates the importance of getting rest during your summer vacation and making money. I haven't quite found it yet.

And there are these decisions that need to be made soon; decisions that I really can't decide. Not all of them are important, mind you. Some of them, maybe. But needless to say, they all must be made.

My brain isn't functioning to it's full potential, therefore, my creative output is equivalent to the singing abilities of a mute Iranian tree-ferret.

Tonight's post has ended. You may all return to your daily routine, unless reading my blog is part of your daily routine. And if that were the case, then I'd promptly give you a hug and a kiss and encourage you to continue to the next item on your schedule.

Thanks. Goodnight.

Yes, it's true - Anatomy is over!

peeking out at summer...

the Ups and Downs

Life is comprised of a series of valleys and peaks, for lack of better description. I'm in a valley, and have been for quite some time now, although alot of people don't realize it. I'm not really vocal about everything that goes on in my life. A part of that I'm okay with, but on the other hand, things get bottled up until one day (Today) you just can't really take it anymore.

I don't want to overplay things, because, well, I just don't really like doing that. I am in need of so much change in so many ways. I don't know where to begin.

I need to do my best for a change. Please pray for me.

sometimes i don't have a clue...

Let me start off by saying that I love Colin Gore. He has blessed me with an early birthday present which is a ticket to the midnight showing of Star Wars tomorrow evening, which officially kick-off my 17th birthday. It was incredibly generous of him to do such a thing, and I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart. But yes, I turn 17 on Thursday. This means several things.
1) I'll no longer be 16.
2) I'll recieve a full drivers license (no more of this being home before 8 o'clock nonsense)
3) I'll be merely one year from being 18
4) I'll be half way to 34
5) Um. I'll. Er. I'll be 17.

Hurray.

We dissected a fetal pig today in Anatomy. We do the same tomorrow and Thursday. I really hate it alot. I'd never make it in a medical profession.

One week from today, my problems will be over.

Academically, at least.

Putting the "Respect" back into respect

I will do my best not to name names during this post. I just desperately need to vent - I fear that if I don't, I may go mad. Again, I must make the usual plea and/or disclaimer of "Please don't interpret this the wrong way" because I'm only trying to release frustration that has been swelling up within me for the past 24 hours.


What on EARTH is going on with today's youth? Someone please explain to me how some children feel the need to display such effrontery to their superiors without showing even a hint of remorse? (I say "children" because I can't think of any other word that could better describe their behaviour) I've been subjected to such displays for far too long, but I'm afraid that if I tried to reprimand someone, I'd either 1) miscommunicate and end up losing a friend, or, 2) kill them. I don't want to do either. I just honestly don't understand how one could disregard adults, those in authority, with complete complacency.

I am especially sensitive to this within the classroom. When a teacher is teaching a class, pay a little blasted attention. They are giving of their time to give you a decent future. Don't throw it out the window - and if you do, don't spoil it for the rest of us and make teenagers look like chatty and immature toddlers who can't handle responsibility. Fail your class, if that' s really what you want to do - but please, do it quietly. Believe it or not, a handful of us in the classroom are there to learn, and provoking the teacher to the point of a near-heartattack doesn't exactly parallel the qualities that reflect a healthy learning environment.

I'm not saying that we need to be stone faced 24/7 while in class - because if that were the case, then I think I may shrivel up and die before I don the cap and gown. But there are some teachers (We all know who they are) who require a little bit more calmness in the classroom in order to maintain their sanity. I, for one, would like to save each one of these teachers from an early death and do my part in settling down.

I'm not going to whip out 50 Bible verses to support what I've said, because I think we all know what it boils down to. Respect your elders - they've been on this earth many moons longer than we have, and they deserve all of the respect that we have to offer. Submit to those in charge - God placed them where they are for a reason, and who would we be to question God's supreme judgement?

There may have been more that I had on my heart to say about this, but my headache is gone, which means my rant is drawing to a close. I may add more later, of course, only if I think of more to add.

On Saturday, I have a job interview (Yes, it's true). A Bruster's Ice Cream Shoppe is opening in Greenwood, and I would fancy being hired. I turned in my application today, and they called later in the afternoon scheduling the interview. Please pray for me as I ready myself, because chances are, I'll do something dumb, completely killing any chance of employment.

As far as my physical health goes, I feel like I'm becoming an obese buffalo, slowly roaming my way into extinction. I need to start running again. Every time I start, I do it for like a week, then things become far too busy, and I have to stop. Then a month passes and I resolve to start back.... and the cycle repeats.

The year is almost over, and I'm enthralled. But I have a bit of work that lies between myself and the final day, and I have no choice but to brave the elements, and march fearlessly forward into the hail-storm of last minute assignments and manic late-nights.

Tonight's edition has ended.

Is Chivalry Dead?

[disclaimer: i didn't proofread this. i'm sure that it will hop around quite a bit, and some parts not make complete sense, but it all sort of plopped out onto the page. i'm far too lazy to go back over and check for errors, i apologize. also, i'm not intending to condemn those around me and ignore the whale in my eye (or however you want to put it). this post applies to me, along with a pretty large percentage of the teenage male population of the world. it's something that has bothered me for quite awhile, and i doubt that i expressed my feelings to their full extent. if need be, more posts may come. but this is all for now.]


I've noticed a serious and unfortunate lack of gallantry in our society lately. Why? I'm sure several things could be blamed, however, I believe the root of the problem lies in the so-called "entertainment" that we are surrounded with constantly, which, in my opinion, revolves around the love of complete rubbish and foolery.

With nearly every male artist in the industry (namely those who have recently stormed the rap and r&b charts) ranting about "getting some", it should be to no surprise that the value that we place on women has been steadily declining. Don't let me give you the wrong impression, though, because the worst thing that could happen is this post coming across as an indie music follower paying his disrespects to the hip-hop scene. No, although most of you who know me know that I'm not the most "pimpin' gangsta' in the 'hood", the aim of this post wasn't to prove that. I'm only trying to point out the affect that hip-hop (and surely other genres) has had on our respect for the female population.

Following the disgusting example that some artists set before today's youth, too many "relationships" (if they are worthy to be considered as such) are entered and exited in the frightening span of sometimes only a few days. What good is this doing to teenagers? Minds are being made up that girl's feelings are as worthless as an old boot, and we boys have the permission to treat them to our liking. If we decide that we don't like one, we let them know in the least honest way as possible, then head back to the hunting grounds.

Whatever happened to being polite? Or saving "boy-talk" for when you're actually in the presence of boys? Too many times have I been a bystander of conversations where the subject-matter turned sour and the males continually toyed with perverse talk. Where on earth is the respect? I mean, seriously. What people in their right minds could possibly think that obscene humor around girls earns brownie-points? Too many. I may be fighting for a lost cause, but whether lost or not, it's certainly a cause worth fighting for.

So guys, I know it's hard, but how about holding the door open for your female friends more often? Try keeping your jokes clean when around the ladies (which should actually be done all the time, not just in the presence of women). Treat girls with all-around respect. Remember, they are someone's daughter, grand-daughter, niece, sister, and future wife. What level of respect would they have you give them? No family member wants their sister/daughter/whatever to be the brunt of some cheap joke, or to be subject to disrespect. Moreover and most importantly, all girls are the precious daughters of our Heavenly Father, who, I'm sure, could do far worse things to you for messing with them than their earthly fathers could (like wiping you from the face of the earth). God created woman to accompany man, not to be the slave of man, or to be some trophy whose purpose is solely for display. I'm not saying that every girl deserves her way every single moment of the day, but they could certainly use a little bit more love than they've been getting. Think about it.

this hasn't been my day

not to say that it should have, but today hasn't gone terribly well for me. i feel like i've disappointed people, acted contrary to who i really am, and been quite irresponsible. at the moment, i'd really like to find a deep hole to fall into. it might be better for the rest of society, or at least people that know me.

after what mr. johnson said last night, i've honestly been trying to analyze my motives, and the actions that result. unfortunately, any plan to somewhat improve the way i act backfired, and left me with nothing but a smoldering pile of good intentions gone wrong. before anyone says it, i'll say it first: i'm being tested. i know. and i'm not intentionally having a pity party or trying to reap free sympathy from those around me. i just need to release emotions. and in order to save my self from releasing my emotions in the form of jumping off of a tall building, or beating myself with a stick, i decided that writing was my best alternative. and what better place to do it than here?

in one sense, it's nice to be able to actually see trials placed in my life, and not blindly fumbling through hardship not knowing which way is up. because i've been there before. i'm reassured because i know that God isn't going to be leaving my side anytime soon, as long as I stay close to Him, and dwell in His word.

ad;fdsajf;ladsjfdslafjsdlk. i don't know what to say.



i made a 97 on my spanish test today, which was encouraging, seeing as i'm doing so incredibly poorly in that class that it's almost funny. i have an anatomy test tomorrow. i have no thoughts regarding it right now. AND a literature test tomorrow, as well. we'll see how things come together. oh, yes, i have a geometry test tomorrow too. yes.


good grief, i don't know what else to write. i could use any prayers. thank you.

i do believe that i enjoy this far too much. 

you shine so bright

changes are definitely taking place. i don't know where anything is taking me anymore. i wish i could be normal.


so tonight i was inducted into the National Honors Society. Joseph Johnson's speech hit home with me. I enjoyed it immensely, and wish i were in his class so that I could be exposed to his wisdom more often. I feel quite obligated to uphold my grades for the remainder of my high school career, because frankly, they've been slipping over the last couple of weeks. Luckily, my NHS term begins next year, and that will be the only year that I have to maintain noteworthy grades. I plan to make them noteworthy.

Tomorrow I'm being given the privilege to leave with the juniors to go out to eat, to wherever. This privilege will be bestowed upon them for every wednesday for the rest of the year, and I've managed to include myself in the festivities.

I have a Spanish test along with an English test tomorrow. And another English test and Anatomy test thursday. then ANOTHER english test friday. And, crap, a geometry test thursday.

Academic doom looms silently overhead. I am anxiously awaiting it's morbid toll on my future in high school.


until next time..

"i won't try to explain why i believe...

....'til i rest in peace. i won't try, if you don't try...." [if you can name that tune, i'll kiss you].

prom was this weekend. saturday evening, to be more precise. the morning began like most other saturday mornings for me, except that i awoke feeling as if i had spent the previous night in a garbage can. i've never felt dumpier than i did that morning. it did little to dampen my spirits though, seeing as this was the "big day". as i opened my groggy eyes, i also came to the realization that aside from my complete state of "dumpus extremis" (the biological term for a dangerous level of dump), it was storming outside. i, like most people, enjoy a nice spring shower every now and then. but not on 'prom day'. it eventually subsided, much to my delight. the prom itself was a very educational experience for me. as i'm sure most of you know (as if i haven't mentioned this enough already), i grew up in the philippines, and attended a school called faith academy. at this school, middle school and high school have a species of social gathering commonly referred to as "Banquets". From what I've heard, Banquets are distant relatives of Proms, bearing slight resemblance, but overrall, having nothing in common. Therefore, I was utterly unprepared for what I faced at the Greenwood Christian School Junior/Senior Prom of the year Two Thousand and Five.

There was dancing. I've never danced socially in my entire life, and I shuddered at the thought of myself being out "on the floor" displaying my moves for the world to see. I'm sure I wasn't the only one doing the shuddering. However, my prom date came to my rescue, and made it look like I had done it before, and somehow I left the event without being publically humiliated, beaten, or scoffed.

The night was concluded with a midnight rendezvous at Huddle House, which everyone knows, is where the magic happens. I filled my empty stomach with a "Golden Waffle" (yes, it says it on the menu), and the rest of my group feasted on various other items.

I ended up returning home at roughly 2:30 AM, after dropping my date, Stephen Moore's date, and Stephen off at their respective homes. Unfortunately, each of the 3 homes spanned to the three corners of the state of South Carolina [hyperbole].

And that was that. The prom ended, tuxes were returned, and life returned to normal.


Tomorrow, I'll be inducted into NHS (or, National Honors Society). How was I even eligible? I have no idea. But somehow it all worked out in my favor. In other academic news, I'll be graduating roughly one year from now. A part of me is completely excited and eager to dive into another chapter of my life, and another part of me is wanting to live like I am right now for the rest of my life. All good things come to an end, though, and I know that God has great things in mind for me. I could use everyones/anyones prayers in that area of my life (Listening to God's voice, and knowing what paths to take in the future). I'm very appreciative.

That's all for now. I'm going to try to post more regularly. I apologize for the short break in my otherwise steady fidelity with this thing. Not only do I feel guilty for not keeping fresh posts up, but my writing skills are also shrinking into a shriveled mass of uncreativity.

Anyways, enough rambling. goodnight, all.

now is when you need to be who you're meant to be...

i feel sort of disgusting, and i'm not sure why. i might the only one who has this feeling, but every now and then, i am overcome with an overwhelming sense of dumpiness. it's not that i'm really dirty (i mean, i might be), but i just feel gross. it's like i need to take a big, long shower [and i'm already a very shower-y person, so you can imagine how many showers i take when i'm like this..].

i've been in significantly high spirits as of late. i can only give credit to God. it's obvious to me that He's working slowly but surely in my life. It's an amazing feeling. I still mess up - alot, actually. But God is constantly molding me more and more into who He wants to be, and I honestly can't wait to see what He has in store for me, because He's already done so many amazing things in my life that I'm totally unworthy of.

at long last, the tennis season is over. do realize that when i say "at long last" i should really be saying "at short last" because it was really one of the most brief sports seasons that i've ever been a part of. it was somewhat refreshing, though. i enjoyed it muchly, and have a new fondness for tennis, but i must say that it's pleasing to have so much more free time in the afternoons. i went to the Y(mca) with ashby and tyler this afternoon. it was the first time i had been there in a long time. i did quite miserably in lifting, but hopefully things will pick up. i plan to go again tomorrow... for a little while at least, because i have fusion tomorrow evening as well.

i really need a job. i need to break out of my comfort zone and apply for something that i don't necessarily want. because i need anything and should jump at everything that is a possibility.

oh - the buick is "mine" now. (meaning i have the freedom to put stickers and such onto it)


that's all for tonight. goodnight!

don't be there this time.

alot has happened since my last post. key-events are as follows:

• i almost hit a deer in broad daylight
• a gift possum was left on the hood of my car [it was dead]
• i broke my nose and gave myself a minor concussion during my last tennis match of the season
• i slept for 18 hours last night
• i cleaned my room today. when i say cleaned, i mean...cleaned.

other things happened, i am just too lazy to try to think back and remember what has taken place.

even after my sumptuous sleep last night, i find myself with a slight headache. why is this? i'm not sure. it could have to do with the constant yelling and talking of my younger brothers. though i love them dearly, sometimes i can't take the hyperactivity. if you know me then you know that i'm somewhat passive, and i can't always be "going" in the sense that they are (my brothers) going.

light has found its way here...

i wish i could be the perfect person for someone else...

so i decided to give myself a reason

i definitely feel like i'm having a mini-seizure. my eyes are not focusing, and my pupils can't stay in the same place for a mere millisecond. it's dizzying, and will cut tonight's blog short.

tonight i baked my very first Fruity Pebbles Cake at the house of Katie Hinrichs, with several wonderful friends of mine, Ashby Hall, Katie Fyock, Ashley Graham, Caroline Clarke, and Katie Hinrichs. It was a monumental event which none of us will soon forget. Besides the creation of the cake, we played tennis, which was also quite enjoyable.

Um. So i'm really tired. And I can't type in the condition that I'm in currently. So i'll write more tomorrow maybe.

... 

don't be angry

i'm motivated to do school work. can you believe it? i can't. because i wasn't last week. somehow i am now.

it could be attributed to the fact that i had a rewarding band practice today (we haven't had one since far before christmas). it made me quite happy. we hope to have show(s) soon. hurray.

but i can't write much more. i have work to do.

i just get sick of the things we think we think we know

i don't have alot to write about, so i'm not really sure why i'm writing at all. maybe i am guilt-tripping about my last post and my conscience is nagging me to apologize to everyone for such a dumb entry. so this is my apology. sorry.



i seem to have myself a serious priority-crisis. school has somehow found it's way to the bottom of my "List of Priorities" (I keep one nailed to the back of my door .......not really.) But just about everything in the world outweighs school in terms of importance right now. Especially music... and writing....and those sorts of things. It's almost all I think about. almost. But here it is: I've gotten to the point where I'm past loving music (etc) and am not caring much at all about school because I know that...I have music. I'll be honest and say that I don't have a good feeling about this. Because the next thing you know, I will have dropped out of high-school and will be playing music full-time. Which doesn't seem too bad to me right now, but I keep telling myself that this highschool education will be worth it in the end; let's hope that I'm right.



that's all for now, folks.



[listening to: the rocket summer - never knew]
[i feel like: a slacker. but a happy one]

tonight i saw that i was sincere

[listening to: the rocket summer - "never knew"]

i don't know how many times i've given this advice to friends. "you just have to roll with the punches." tonight it hit me like an atomic bomb. how well am I rolling with the punches? i sincerely hope that i'm getting better at relating with my surroundings. in the past, i've been horrible at this.

i'm also really bad at waiting. i have this incredibly strong feeling inside of me as i'm writing this, but, words aren't taking shape; i don't think anyone knows how much that i wish that they would. it's times like these that i hate not being able to express myself.

i've been trying to re-analyze my actions, and why i do the things i do. i respond to social confrontation very poorly. there are rarely times that i can respond rationally to a situation that arises. i don't feel the need to be specific.

i'm out of things to say.

so, tomorrow is a tennis match. us against cambridge. we're going to die. that's all there is to it.

i'm really looking forward to seeing what happens in my life in the next year. there are endless possibilities. but i can't face it all alone.



wow. after a completely off-the-wall blog, i doubt that there is a soul on earth that wants to read my writing ever again. you have my deepest apologies. i needed to get some things out of my system, and i thought that by blogging, i may have been able to.



i really do try to be sincere.

i miss it :( 

classical guitar, beaten and bruised

i was just outside watching my little brothers play at the church parking lot beside my house. they were riding around on their little hot wheel bikes, and i was sitting playing my classical guitar. it just so happens that today, the wind decided to blow at an average speed of 110 miles per hour, and the wind chill was somewhere around -15 degrees. this caused me some undue discomfort, but seemed to have little effect on the joy of my brothers. i decided that maybe if i walked around the parking lot, i maybe able to warm myself up. so i set my guitar onto my sandals, as not to scratch it on the pavement, and set the roll of toilet paper next to it (i had the toilet paper because both of the boys sinuses weren't in top condition). after i had walked about 100 feet from the guitar, i heard this discouraging crash. i looked to see what had happened (half expecting to see one of the little bikes laying valiantly ontop of a crushed guitar, with one of my brothers proudly claiming victory over the sad musical instrument). however, it seemed that the hurricane-like wind somehow lifted my guitar from its resting place and flipped it over onto its face, breaking two strings, and thoroughly disfiguring the string-bridge on the top of the neck. even better, the roll of toilet paper had taken flight. it had become strewn across the parking lot like an enormous white ribbon, and traveling at nearly 30 mph. the twins joined me in my effort of stopping it - and we eventually did. we were left with a mass of crumpled up toilet paper the size of a basketball. it was at this time that i decided to call it quits and head inside.

i now am faced with the task of writing my anatomy&physiology paper, which is required to be 7 pages in length. it's due monday. now would be a good time for my creativity to kick in.


that's all for now.