Wallace Stevens, poet

thanks to audrey...



i give you... Wallace Stevens.

i just want to rock and roll

throughout the past few days, sunnyblunder has been recording new demos, appropriately referred to as "december demos". while recording, i believe that my love for music was rekindled. i'm not sure what it was, but after not playing with the band for so long, i think i forgot how much i enjoyed it. i think i would be content to do that for the rest of my life - wake up in the morning, make music, eat, play more music, then go to sleep. i'm not sure really how much better it could get. anyhow, you can expect those demos, along with a new sunnyblunder website, to be available in the next couple of weeks.

school starts back next week. i'm really not ready. the amount of time we were given off was a joke. we deserve at least a month. at least. my schedule doesn't look incredibly promising either. i have spanish II (oh joy), geometry, english 10, and anatomy and physiology. anatomy and physiology is going to be an absolute nightmare, but i need to get it out of the way.

they are going to make me cut my hair when i get back to school...







..

merrymaking

yes, christmas is drawing to a close. this morning i was greeted with the surprise of a new camera - which i really wasn't expecting. i mentioned the desire of one a couple of months ago, but really didn't expect anyone to remember. it was a wonderful discovery. thank you parents :) it's a canon powershot A75. nothing spectacularly fancy, but it takes great photos. and that's all that really matters.

i posted two pictures below. they look better if you click on them. in fact, i'll probably be posting pictures alot more often. but who knows. we'll see.

i hope everyone is doing well and has had a wonderful Christmas. may God bless you all as this year ends and 2005 begins.

hurrah.

joshua, forlorn on christmas morning. 

hurray for christmas. paul came to visit this afternoon. it was alot of fun. 

early christmas morning...

it's 12:29 AM, December the 25th. Christmas. if i were in a different state of mind [a less fatigued one], i may be frolicking in the cold night air around my house.

we opened presents this evening from sibling to sibling, and ones we gave to our parents. i'm happy to report that no one needs to feel obligated to purchase the napoleon dynamite dvd for me anymore, seeing as my sister anna has so lovingly bestowed it upon me. and, believe it or not, she bought it for me before she knew that i wanted it. ah, she knows me all too well. i also recieved a downright smashing longsleeved collared shirt from matt, which fits quite nicely.

the purpose of this post wasn't to inform you of what i recieved, in case you were wondering. i simply wanted to make a point of the young Christmas at which i'm writing this - as a matter of fact, we are 36 minutes into Christmas, making it, obviously, 36 minutes old.

if i continue to write, the things i say will become less and less coherent, which could possibly be entertaining for readers, but humiliating for me. so i'd better stop.

oh - i started decorating my walls today. sometime i'll take a picture.


merry christmas!

i want to go where the silent people go

last evening, i visited with andy and justin in andy's basement. played music and a bit of donkey kong. it was enjoyable. at around 11, tim picked me up, with his brother philip in-tow (who recently returned from school in NYC), and we grabbed some food from Wendy's before proceeding to the Stumbo residence. That evening I had some good talks with the Stumbo brethren, Isaac and Tim, which were very encouraging. We three all feel very similiarly about life at the moment - especially the social scene at our school, which is currently dwindling. i always enjoy spending time with them - there are few other people who i can laugh so readily with.

i am now a supporter of the OC. after watching the first episode, i was inclined to begin the second immediately, which i wasn't able to finish (because i was at the stumbo's while watching it), so of course, i'm downloading it now.

well, i'm officially prepared for Christmas. i went "last-minute" gift shopping with my mom this afternoon. it seems that every year i end up doing last minute gift-shopping - i'm not sure why. it's just the way i am, i suppose. anyhow. everyone is shopped for, and my only task remaining is wrapping the gifts (which i am dreadfully awful at doing... my wrapped gifts look like some sort of mutilated paper mache nightmare) and placing them under the tree, which i intend to do sometime tomorrow.

i saw about a cumulative count of 25 people today, at the mall and wal-mart combined. half of them i didn't talk to, rather i bashfully maneuvered past avoiding eye contact. why am i like that? i'm such a shy person sometimes, i'm not sure that i understand it. because i know sometimes i can maintain a decent conversation, and even at times initiate (gasp) the conversation. i'm not sure. i must have multiple personalities.

this evening (in about an hour, actually), i'll be going to Tyler's home to watch Napoleon Dynamite with a number of people. I'm ashamed to say that this will be my first viewing of the film, although I've wanted to see it ever since I saw the preview. oh well. at least I'm seeing it now. byyyy the way - if anyone wants to be spontaneously giving and loving and wonderful, you can buy me the napoleon dynamite dvd, which is out in stores now. i just thought i'd make that known - and if such a thing were to take place, i'd be forever in debted.

that's sort of a joke - but if anyone feels inclined to make the purchase, don't let me hold you back.

a couple of days ago, i was stricken again with the chapped-lip plague. i now have to carry chapstick with me everywhere that i go.

the music i've been listening to lately: the wannadies, joseph arthur, the killers, beulah, saves the day, muse, keane & a couple of others. i have borrowed several of these cds from friends (little to their knowledge) and i am enjoying them immensely. i would recommend them to most people.

i've suddenly found myself without anything to write about, so i'll end.

[listening to: "silent people" - the wannadies]
[mood: better than usual]

the final straw

i'll be completely honest and admit that i was doing awful last night. i'm not sure what the source of my bad mood was - but i'm sure fatigue was a contributing factor. i could name some other possibilities, but i couldn't explain them well enough for anyone to understand. however, when i returned home (i have been away for the past two days) and read the comments that were made on my last post, i was encouraged. for awhile, i felt that no one was on the same level as myself - judging by the comments i was producing on previous posts. of course, comments really have hardly anything to do with that, but it's still how i felt. i didn't think that anyone was able to relate - therefore, comments weren't left.

i came to a realization. if i can encourage someone through writing on this, then so be it. i would be glad that such a thing could happen. but i don't think my goal should be to write something that people agree with, or make them feel good inside. instead, i should be trying to encourage people on a personal level, through relationships and real conversations. if you know me, then you know that i'm not a terrific conversationalist. i've found that i can communicate much better through writing, and there isn't much i can do to change that. but i think to create healthy relationships with other people, instead of always pouring your heart out to a computer screen, it can be better to connect with someone in person.

i jumped around alot in that last paragraph, and i guess i was hitting on alot of points. i certainly wasn't bashing on those who post their emotions and such, because i do the same. there's nothing wrong with it. but i was aiming more towards the expectations that people have in doing so. i've always seen this "blog" as an outlet to write about what i'm feeling inside, because so many times, i keep things bottled up inside. it's also an excellent way to keep people up to date on what i've been up to. either way, i believe that somewhere in the back of my mind, i had some sort of expectation of receiving commendation on my experiences, or whatever i'd been writing about. oh the joys of being wrong.


i really don't know where i planned to go with all of that, but i needed to write it. i actually don't even know how much of it really applies to me. and even now as i look back on it, i see alot of points that have nothing to do with others, but i'm not going to change anything. sometimes i think it's best to leave things as they are, so that people can read it in its truest form.

i've never watched an episode of The O.C. Go ahead and make all of your gasps of disbelief. I've heard time and time again that it's a wonderful show, and that I really must watch it. I'm appeasing the masses as we speak, by downloading Episode 1 of Season 1. If I like it, I may proceed to watch others. We shall see.

oh, nathaniel, i'm having a bit of trouble with getting to my "edit blog" page at the moment. i'll get the link changed as soon as i can.


[listening to: "fruit fly" - nada surf]
[mood: open&intent]

be quiet, and wait for morning

i was wondering, what would happen if i climbed the top of a small tree, and jumped through the branches, and whilst in midair, made my body parallel to the ground and simply let my self fall. what would it feel like? i can't imagine it would be pleasant. the image that i have in my mind is somewhat entertaining, and that's the only reason that i don't dismiss it immediately. maybe i could convince someone to do it, so that i could watch from the safety of the ground, because i doubt it would be as funny if i were the one falling.

i'm frustrated with someone right now. it's less of "angry frustration" and more of not understanding why they do the things they do.

it's sunday afternoon, and i really need to be going. where to? i'm not sure, but if i stay here i'll continue to post pointless things that interest no one.

this post is reather dreary, and i'll admit that it's very influenced by failure to walk with God closely in the past weeks. i keep telling myself, "tonight i'll read the Bible" or "i'll start praying more soon.." unfortunately, that isn't the way it works. if you're ever going to change, it takes immediate action. you need to start right away to live the way you're supposed to.

that last paragraph was more for me to sort my thoughts out and remind myself of how to live. if it helps anyone else, then good.. but i'm not trying to impress anyone..

if i lied, no one would mind, we'd be fine

i can't quite put my finger on it, but something is bothering me. i wish that i had a philosophical question to ask the masses who read this to comment on, but i have none.

it seems that the only wise choice at the moment would be to go to sleep. somehow, i can't. it's times like these when i'd like to be given the ability to fly - because i would. i'd soar above the united states, looking down on the lights that scatter across the country, and i'd continue across the ocean, until sunrise, when i'd find a small tropical island to live on. and i'd stay there until i felt it safe to return to greenwood...

that's it, i'm done. bothered or not, i need my sleep.

turn off the lights

my eyes drill holes in the ceiling
it's saturday, and i'm "sleeping in"
sunbeams linger at the window
another weekend begins


the rhyming scheme leaves something to be desired, but i wasn't really trying to show off my writing skills. the point is, up until today, i suffered with an inability to sleep in. this afternoon, i decided to do something about this problem. the best solution that i saw, was to gather blankets of considerable size and pin them up over my windows, thus creating an obstacle that the sunlight would have to get through before reaching my eyes. i anticipate this will dramatically increase the amount of time i sleep in the mornings which i don't have school, and dramatically increase the difficulty i have in waking up on mornings that i do have school. but for now, i'm on Christmas break [hallelujah] and waking up for school is the last thing i have to worry about.


what i'm really contemplating is whether or not to find thicker blankets...

the end.

all things end, whether you expect them to or not - or whether you are even ready for them to.

semester 1 is over, and i couldn't be more pleased. on second thought, i could. if i worked harder in school and gotten A's in all of my classes, i think i'd be a fair bit happier... but all of it is over now, so there's no use in looking back wondering what could've been. and i wonder about so many other things besides my grades. this semester has been filled with so many things... and i've learned alot, but i hope that i can start this next half of the year fresh, not worrying about what has gone on in the past.

i had a nice "kickoff" to the Christmas vacation last night, as i visited with Justin and Hyatt. I also went to the Cain's, where we visited with Brooks, Joy, Caroline, and Kristy. We watched the movie Joyride. I wouldn't reccommend it. I doubt I'd watch it ever again, unless someone paid me. Justin and I drove back to his house in the wee hours of the morning. The actual time certainly doesn't needed to be specified. I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mother, requesting my presence at The Polar Express matinee, with my sister and little brothers. It was actually an enjoyable movie - needless to say, the visual effects were spectacular.

I plan to go back to Justin's within the next half hour to play guitar, since we haven't done so in who knows how long. Tyler Leinbach is also having a gathering tonight, so I may attend that as well.

Tomorrrow morning, from 10 to 12, I will be spending time with my driver's ed instructor. i can't say that i'm looking forward to it, but it needs to be done, therefore, i'll do it. i also have driving to do on monday and tuesday, then i'll be home free.

well, i need to go. i'll write more later. and i mean it. Christmas break gives me so much more freedom in terms of posting. hurrah.


enjoy.

foolish

i'm a fool. really, i am. i've fallen for the same thing over and over, and it's beginning to grow old. i'm not going to explain what i'm talking about, because sometimes being an open-book has its drawbacks.

i'm just tired of being like i am - but i can't seem to change. i don't know how.

i don't think i should open my mouth for a little while, and we'll see if things start to improve...

i don't understand why i do the things i do

someone explain human nature to me. explain selfishness and lack of discipline. i'll never figure any of this out.

i'm sorry.

i'm not the best at romance

it seems as if as it has been ages since i last wrote, but its only been a handful of days. amazing.

have you ever been at the beginning of a week that looks as if it will never end? last week looked like that for me, as does this one. you could definitely say that i "have alot on my plate". i have to finish three history outlines for tomorrow, which is also when i have an algebra test. meh. i only have limited time to work on preparing for such things, because i have to go to the children's christmas play at my church tonight, helping with the set and such. i regret agreeing to do it, not because i don't want to help out, but because it's really going to make it tough to get done all that needs to be done. to make things even more stressful, i have drivers ed tomorrow (monday) and tuesday, from 5PM to 9PM. greaaat. i'm looking forward to that.... not really though - however, it'll be wonderful to finally get it over with, seeing as i originally planned to take the class in august.

while sitting in church this morning, i scribbled down a rough schedule of classes that i could take for the next year and a half in order for me to recieve enough credits required for graduation. i'm still not absolutely sure that this is the plan i'm going with, but i wanted to prove to myself that it was possible.

has anyone taken anatomy and physiology? is it harder than physics?


now i will embrace the academic labor that i have been dreading since i sat down at this computer.


[music: mxpx]

insomniac

this is an awful night to not be able to sleep. actually, any of the nights this week would be bad. anyhow, i have alot on my mind, and as i was laying (lying?) in my bed, i decided that i may be able to rest my mind if i wrote out some of the things i was thinking about. hopefully this won't take long, because it's almost 12, and i need to be sleeping.

first of all, i'm having my doubts about governor's school. initially, i was really excited about the possibility - but prayed that God would show me what He wanted me to do. I'm not saying that I know for sure, but lately, i've been thinking about not auditioning. There are alot of reasons that I've been contemplating this - mainly, the amount of pressure that is put on you in that school. not that i can't handle pressure, but it's one thing being away from your friends and family, but then being expected so much of. i guess that's what the school is about, and maybe i'm just thinking unclearly. another huge aspect is the spiritual environment - i've heard that there are very few christians, and that would be pretty trying for me, since i'm already not where i should be, and i'm going to a Christian school. there are other minor details, like not being able to have a car, the curfew - all which are logical - but i'm just not sure if it's the place for me. but i haven't ruled it out, i'm just not as sure that i'm going to apply as i was a few days ago.

if i didn't go, there are a number of different things i could do. and when i say "a number of things", i mean two. first, i could continue on with high school, and most likely return to the Philippines for the second semester of my senior year, and graduate from Faith. or, next year, i could double up with classes, take a creative writing courses from some other school, and graduate a year early. both have their advantages and disadvantages, neither of which i'm going to get into.


with all that said, i'm hoping that i'll find it easier to sleep. i'm sure you can tell that i'm tired due to the poor quality of writing in this post. i can't think.

goodnight.

where was this taken? take a guess. 

could it have gotten any better?

o dark night, have mercy on my weary soul. i have been working for too long, and now that the caffeine from the coffee i drank an hour or so ago is wearing off, i am likely to fall asleep while i am working on this blasted history assignment. when will the misery end?

today was actually a really really good day. but my grades aren't very good.

start your engines

as of an hour ago, i have begun writing the short story that i will most likely send into the South Carolina Governor's School for the Arts and Humanities to accompany my application/audition. i have a rough idea of where i want to take the story, but there is much of it that i am hoping will take shape as i write.

i would appreciate all of your prayers, because i am certainly one for writer's blocks.


in other news, i finished my biology research paper tonight. i have some other things that i'll need to finish for tomorrow, but they can wait until later in the evening.


[listening to: gravity gets things done - the pale]
[mood: intent]

...

Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?



what an overexaggeration.

the world is sleeping

the rest of the world is asleep, while i sit here, pecking away at my keyboard, aimlessly. why? it's friday. or it was, a couple of hours ago. now it's saturday morning, 2:22 AM. i'm not sure why i haven't passed out on the floor yet, but i can assure you that once i do hit my bed, it will be quite awhile before i arise.

i had a very good evening in terms of connecting with friends in the philippines. i "webcammed" with nathan - then he called me. which was awesome. and i was also able to chat with rose, micah, audrey, and josiah. it's times like these that give me doubts about governor's school, and abandoning graduation from faith academy.

again, the matter is turned over to God, which is who it needs to stay with for good.

so i need to start writing things. i'd be lucky if i'm able to get started this week... we'll see.


that's all. goodnight.

....

[stolen from troy's livejournal]

guitars are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

catching my breath

after nearly an entire week of school, i have reached a point where i am not meant to be somewhere or doing something. i can sit knowing that i have a mere 4 algebra problems to solve for homework, and nothing else. it's hard to find anything more comforting, these days. however, after today, i have little doubt that life will slow down until christmas break. jim fyock and his cohorts are laying it on us thick for this last week and a half... but to be honest, i wasn't expecting to escape this semester without recieving a substantial workload from each of my teachers.

mrs. koschel told me today in class that i was going to be taking geometry second block of next block. she took the liberty of discussing it with mr. davis, and changed my schedule for me. i have no objections. but that also means that i won't be taking any bible classes this year. although i've heard that joey johnson can give painful amounts of work at times, i was looking forward to being in his class.

i've decided that i will audition for governor's school, and take things from there. at this point, i don't even know if i have enough ability to attend such a school. i suppose i'll find out soon enough. i do know that it is a fairly competitive school - and can be incredibly hard to get into. i have to send my application in by january 20th, then i'll be interviewed sometime in march. with my application, i have to send a sample of my writing (8 poems, a short story, or a chapter of a novel... one of the three). i'm going to need as much time as possible to finish one of these three things, so i'm trying to start things now. it's times like these when half-hearted efforts simply don't cut it. i believe i'll end up writing a short story, since i already have several plots in mind.

tomorrow is friday, and for that i am glad. there are more games tomorrow evening, in augusta again, so i guess i'll be going. there are more on saturday, but i haven't decided whether or not i'll go.


that's all for now.

[listening to: the strokes]

Jeremiah 29:13

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart."



[mood: encouraged]