when there's nothing left to burn...

Life has been moving swimmingly as of late. Lots of things have been going on, and for most of these "things", I have just been going through the motions to get by. I recognize that this isn't a good habit to develop, and I hope to reconcile these mistakes somehow soon. But things have been good.

I find my thoughts wandering every now and then. I think alot about the future, whether it be things I'll be doing in the next couple of weeks, or things I'll be doing in the next couple of months, or even year. It's normal, I guess - but I find myself a nervous wreck sometimes. It's like this: there are things that I know that I need to do. And I know that I can do them. And I suppose that I know how I'll do them. I'm just scared to death of doing them. And maybe I'm just scared for the sake of being so. I'm not sure. But I know everything will be worth the fear when all is said and done.

After reading back over the last paragraph, I've come tot he conclusion that I've mastered the art of writing vaguely. And I've also mastered the art of feeling no remorse for my ambiguous writing. So I'm sorry that I'm so good at writing like that, because I know it's annoying.

Next semester is approaching me with the appearance of a derailed train. It is going to be just about everything besides easy. I'll be taking two courses at GCS - Chemistry and Algebra II. And I will also be taking English 101 and Computer from Piedmont Tech - those classes will count for college credit, thankfully. Then I am going to be doing Government on my own at home. My plate is going to be filled academically, not to mention everything else that life tends to throw my way. Yahoo for an exciting last semester of high-school.

It's 12:47. I've been habitually getting to sleep at 2:30 or later for the past few nights, and proceeding to wake at noon or later. For this, I feel no better than a three-toed sloth. I'm actually a little bit humiliated for even admitting to that. But I suppose that I'm only making the most of my Christmas vacation, before the reckoning begins in January (when school recommences). So, as means to prepare my body for the "normal" sleeping schedule that I'll need to adhere to in a couple of weeks, I believe I'll romp my way towards my bedroom, and hopefully succeed in falling asleep before too late.

Santa

I heard something absolutely disgusting/frightening earlier today. Apparently, the average American gains roughly 7 pounds during the Christmas holidays. I have taken it upon myself to not let that happen to me this year. Because I just don't think my body could handle any extra weight. I'm gonna have to take it easy on the gingerbread cookies for a couple of weeks.

On a more encouraging page, Santa Claus is indeed coming to town. Speaking of coming to town, the song "Santa Claus Is Coming To Town" is probably the creepiest holiday song in history. I hate knowing that "he sees me when I'm sleeping" and "he knows when I'm awake". It's like he has been peeking through my bedroom window, keeping my every move under strict surveillance. On second thought, Santa can stay at the North Pole this Christmas.

Maybe I just have the pre-Christmas jitters. Maybe I haven't been good enough this year. Maybe I'm afraid that when I wake on Christmas morn, I will find that my stocking has been filled with coal.

Or mayybee I still have tons of Christmas shopping to do, and I'm on edge because Christmas is less than a week away. There is so much to do - you don't know half of it.

It's 12:07, and my eyes are involuntarily closing, which is a pretty good sign that I need to be heading towards the bed (after brushing my teeth and washing my face, of course). I hope everyone is having an astounding Christmas season.

the weather outside is frightful

It seems a bit mundane for the weather to be so ridiculously cold and we aren't reaping any snow out of the deal. In fact, I feel a little bit cheated. If I'm going to endure the chapped lips, dry skin, frozen car engines, and runny noses, I'd at least like to romp around in some snow to lift my spirits.

And Christmas.... is so ridiculously close. As of last night, I have accomplished 2/8 of my total Christmas shopping. I love buying gifts for people, but I usually have insufficent funds to purchase what I'd like to. I'm also not a really good shopper, and I usually have to have someone with me to give me input on things. But I would far rather be shopping for someone else than for myself. Shopping for myself usually stresses me out.

Tomorrow is my last day of "real" classes. In fact, I really only have one class that I have to go to. I take my exam in Spanish III at 9:45 or so. I highly anticipate ending that class. Although it has been an overwhelming joy to dive headfirst into another language, I'm satisfied with speaking English for right now. And I'm sure that all Spanish-speakers are satisfied with that as well, because my Spanish is absolutely awful.

And I also believe that I'm going to see King Kong tomorrow night. Which I'm really looking forward to alot. I've seen maybe 3 previews to it, and those were enough to pique my interest in it. Aaaand Jack Black is in it.

That's all for now. Thank you for reading this bland entry. I'm confident that it contained much of little interest to anyone else. Haha. Merry Christmas.

[listening to: pete yorn]
[mood: passive]

on a brighter note

things really aren't so bad.


i'm sorry for ending the last post so drearily, really.
because there's no good reason for doing that.

shivering

this winter season is hitting me like a sledgehammer. not only has the cold weather made my skin abominably dry, it has also had negative effects on my mood - as i'm sure has been the case with most people.

i don't care how cliche this sounds. i have a weight on my heart. in the past, i've considered myself stressed out by schoolwork, or a busy schedule. i now find myself more stressed than i have been in my life. i don't mean to be negative, but i know that i am. however, since this is a place that i can freely drain most- if not all- pressures of life onto an empty page, i don't feel compelled to refrain from doing so. and you have my apologies for being so crabby.

i was hesitant to write anything at all, actually. my current state leaves me with no desire to put forth any effort to do much of anything that requires creative output. i know that sounds ridiculously dismal - and i suppose that it is. i'm not really in a terrible mood 24/7. in fact, i wouldn't say that i'm in a terrible mood right now. i'm just worn sort of thin - much like a stretched rubber band.

i'm sincerely striving to be aware of others, though. and to be aware of God's strong hand in my life. i know that it is in times like these that my only logical choice is to lean on Him. and sometimes, doing that is harder than you'd believe.

colorblind

today has been reminiscent of a black and white movie. nothing bad has happened, but i just don't feel very good. i awoke to the sensation of suffocation. i couldn't breathe out of my nose whatsoever, my voice was really weak, and my throat felt like it was closing up. i stayed in bed 20 minutes longer than i should have, but those 20 minutes haven't yet had a negative effect on my day.

before leaving for school, i took two teaspoons of the most repulsive purple medicine on the planet. i think it may have helped for an hour or so, but i can already tell that my ailments from this morning are looming overhead. i expect congestion to hit me hard again any second.

the harsh gray weather outside compliments my physical condition nicely. in fact, if you were able to paint a picture of how i feel right now, i'm sure it would look similar to the pale heavy clouds hanging above my house.

and i have zero appetite, which can't be good. i had two pieces of toast for breakfast, and 1/4 of a granola bar for lunch. i should be famished.

on a different note, there have been some interesting changes in our dress-code at bruster's lately. i arrived last night to discover that they are requiring all employees to wear santa hats on top of the usual red visor. i can only assume that this was designed to help the employees (and customers) to get into the holiday spirit. i only wish that "reindeer antlers" was an option as an alternative to the santa hat. i'd like that more.

this is going to be a long long long three weeks. hopefully, my little sickness will pass quickly and make things slightly easier. that would be wonderful.

that's all for now. i hope everyone is doing fantastic.

happy in dependence

[stolen from my sister's deviant art page. she's amazing.]

is this what you were talking about?

I Don't Want Excuses

During the past 2 weeks, I've developed shin splints in my right leg. I remember suffering with this same injury during soccer season, and now it has returned to curse my attempts to maintain physical fitness. After running at least 2 miles nearly every day last week, I began feeling something in my right shin which I'd rather not ever feel again. I could hardly bend my foot forward or backward without a being attacked by immediate pain in my shin - which made the mere task of walking a bit challenging, at times. I felt like maybe stretching it on a regular basis would ease the soreness that I felt, and I could get back to running. Lo' and behold, I was wrong, and it only intensified the pain.

I decided to consult my father, a physician, as to what I should do. In retrospect, I really should have asked him from the very beginning. I instead depended on my dim intellect to concoct a remedy to my problems, and to my dismay, wounded myself more than I was to begin with. He said that I should take pain relievers 3 times a day (or when needed) and keep from running (or doing anything that may put stress on my shin) until it was healed fully.

This past weekend, I went to Ilinois. The weather there was similar to an arctic tundra, and, needless to say, I did no running - for fear that I would die in the sub-zero temperatures, either by polar bear attack or frostbite. Or both. Anyhow, when I awoke this morning, I noticed that I felt very little pain in my shin. Being the ignorant fool that I am, I interpreted this as a "green light" for me to pick back up running.

I went to the Y today and tested my hypothesis. I was hardly able to run a mile without my shin giving way. And now the pain is back full-swing, and I've learned my lesson.


Pooey. I don't want excuses like this.

I Am Ready For The Flames

I'm going to address a controversial topic during this post. As a forewarning, there are alot of avenues of religion in which I am theologically ignorant. However, I hold fast to my beliefs, and am confident that all that I believe can be backed up with the Word of God. I'd like to open this post up to anyone/everyone else who happens to know more than myself (aka everyone) about it, so that I can be educated in the process. There's alot that I don't understand, and there's a little that I do. Here's a little bit.

I was talking to my sister earlier tonight about the contrasting beliefs of various denominations. I'll go ahead and say it: I don't like denominations. I think that there is an essential skeleton of beliefs and commitments that determine whether or not someone is a Christian. All of the other petty details can be sorted out once we get to Heaven. But I've come to terms with the fact that there is a need for separating bodies of believers according to specific beliefs about Christianity. I still don't like it.

Here is the one of the ideas that I just can't make sense of: God predestines those who will believe in Him, and those who won't. If this statement is true, then we really have no choice in our salvation. God has already chosen His army of believers, and has weeded out the ones that aren't going to accept salvation. I happen to believe that God has blessed us with a little thing called "free-will". Sure, He knows who will accept Him and who won't. That's what He does - He's omniscient. But there is a pretty clear distinction between knowing and choosing. God loves each and every one of His children. He longs for all of us to come to a saving knowledge of Him. Why wouldn't He? The thing is, He loved us enough to give us a choice in the matter, rather than administrate a universe of souls whose destinies He had already planned. He wants us to desire a relationship with Him.


That's what I think. I may have some things wrong. If so, correct me. I'd love to have some discussion on this topic.

leaves are falling

oh, by the way, autumn has to be the most beautiful season of the year.

today is such a lovely day. it makes me want to spend as much time outside as possible.

i love fall.

good times are gonna come

good things have been happening lately. and the only thing i can really attribute the cause to is God's abounding love - even in the little things. i've been learning alot lately. and i like learning.

i went to a ben folds show last night in Atlanta. it was the second time i've seen him. i can't say that two times is enough, but i'm content for now. he's probably one of my favorite performers ever. probably.

i've been praying more than i've ever prayed in my life lately. for some reason, i'm in a funny stage in life when i realize that i hardly know anything at all. and i'm slowly becoming okay with that. i've been having to surrender things to God daily. it seems like every time i turn around, i'm having to say "okay God, this is Yours." it's probably both the hardest and most fulfilling procedures ever. trust can be so hard when can't see anything ahead of you. it's like being blind-folded and led by a friend. they can see, and you can't. therefore, you have to believe that they have your well-being in mind. and i think believing that can be the hardest part.


i'm really excited about the next several months... because i have no idea what is going to happen.

yeeesh

some days i want to just sprout wings and fly away.



even if only for a little while.

The Sizing Crisis

I've recently come upon a problem that I have suffered with for quite awhile. It concerns the clothes that I buy, and the way that they fit me. Now, in all honesty, I have a handful of t-shirts that fit fine and that I love. However, those shirts are a minority compared to the t-shirts that fit strangely.

For example, I ordered two t-shirts awhile back that I anxiously anticipated wearing. I ordered medium, because, I mean, when has "Medium" ever not fit me? They arrived, and as I eagerly ripped open the package and surveyed the contents, I was immediately dismayed. I realized that the universal sizing for "Medium" had been changed to "Extra Extra Large" and no one told me. Because these shirts were clearly not mediums. I would have sent them back for a new size, except that I had sent them back once before - they were first sent to me as "Child's Small".

A couple of weeks ago, I ordered a shirt whose arrival I also looked forward to. I skeptically ordered it as "Small", seeing as "Medium" didn't work out so well for me before. It arrived, and upon slipping it on and displaying it to family and friends, I recieved mixed reviews. Some said "Hey, looks great!" while others bashfully told me that it made me look like a toilet roll, and simply fit weird.

So it seems that my body is stuck at some "mystery size" that is floating somewhere in between "Medium" and "Small". The trouble is, no one makes shirts in "Mystery Size".

So, the dilema I'm faced with now is this: Should I return the shirt that I have now for a Medium and risk it being too large? Or should I bravely stick with the Small and hope that it stretches a little bit over time?

The polls are open. Cast your vote.

....

as of 4:30 today, i had not cried for one year and five months.


at 4:40 today, that clock reset.




i've never felt more helpless.
my hands feel tied behind my back.

i didn't want it to mean that much to me

this was the view from my house in the philippines.

yes, it was amazing.

and yes, i miss it.

i should have seen this coming...

i haven't completed reading a book in such a long time.

i'm pretty sure that this fact has been draining the creative juices out of me.

so i'm giving myself a goal; i'm going to read a book.

and i'm pretty sure that the book will be blue like jazz.

i've made the selection hurriedly, but sometimes hurried decisions end up being the best decisions.

...and there's this burning.

just like last year at about this time, i'm realizing that after living in a tropical asian country, i'm still not used to cold weather. we've hardly entered autumn, and i'm feel like i'm going to catch frostbite. but honestly, i enjoy cool weather. i've just been surprised at how not used to it i am. i suppose it's time to break out the coats and jackets and big fluffy blankets.

i've been having these inconsistent bursts of songwriting output lately. for example, i've gone for at least a week just tossing around old ideas and trying desperately to incorporate something fresh into them. after not being able to do so, i became frustrated and sad. i felt as if any skill that i may have previously possessed had somehow abandoned me to find someone more worthy of possessing it. last night, however, i sat on the edge of my bed with my guitar and wrote 3 or 4 neat little parts for songs. just know that when i say "neat little parts", that is only abiding by my standard of neat. but i like them, and i guess that's all that really counts right now.

ha. alright. well.

i don't feel like i've become a better person after writing this post. maybe some of you will feel better after reading it. seeing as hearing about my life is sooo enriching to everyone elses. hahaha.

bye.

sorry.

to anyone reading:
my last post wasn't meant to be griping self-centered plea for sympathy. i was reading back over it, and i saw how it could seem that way. but i wrote it at a time when alot of things were running through my mind, and i felt helpless. i apologize for anything/everything that may have come across the wrong way.

the quiet things that no one ever knows

i came dangerously close to posting one of those really vague posts. you know, the kind that has no real direction. the kind of post that leaves you with an obscure quote and the challenge for you to interpret it correctly. and everyone thinks in his or her own mind that they know where i'm coming from. i wonder if they do.

so, i decided against it. because i'd hate to give anyone the responsibility of reading my mind, especially when i have so much on it.