i'm so afraid of the future. i'm afraid that who i'm becoming isn't who i want to be. it's so far from who i was one year ago, and that thought is overwhelming.
and i realized tonight that the world has so much more to offer than what i have now. i mean, sure, my resources are limited and i can't shoot for the stars when i have nothing to take me there. but i can only take one step at a time, and i feel like i'm stepping backwards.
it seems like everyone these days are chasing what isn't real - some glimmering mirage in the distance, just waiting to disappoint you. it will only last for the amount of time it takes for you to see it up close. how much is that worth? nothing.
my naivety is so dumbfounding. i only THOUGHT i knew what was going on. i thought i knew how people worked. i really have no idea. i think i could use seclusion from everything for a little while, just to let myself breathe. maybe i could take off the mask that i wear half of the time and let my real eyes see the light of day. i'm sure it will be blinding.
i don't feel like i know much of anything anymore. and this isn't a plea for anyone to reassure me that i do. i'm so tired of that. this blog isn't a place for me to whine and then be complimented by everyone who reads it. it's chief purpose is to give me some peace of mind and let out some of my thoughts before they can drown me. if you want to comment, it's fine. i do appreciate it. but that's not why i write.
i've given so many wrong impressions in the last 24 hours, it makes me want to throw up..
goodnight everyone.
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