Wallace Stevens, poet

thanks to audrey...



i give you... Wallace Stevens.

i just want to rock and roll

throughout the past few days, sunnyblunder has been recording new demos, appropriately referred to as "december demos". while recording, i believe that my love for music was rekindled. i'm not sure what it was, but after not playing with the band for so long, i think i forgot how much i enjoyed it. i think i would be content to do that for the rest of my life - wake up in the morning, make music, eat, play more music, then go to sleep. i'm not sure really how much better it could get. anyhow, you can expect those demos, along with a new sunnyblunder website, to be available in the next couple of weeks.

school starts back next week. i'm really not ready. the amount of time we were given off was a joke. we deserve at least a month. at least. my schedule doesn't look incredibly promising either. i have spanish II (oh joy), geometry, english 10, and anatomy and physiology. anatomy and physiology is going to be an absolute nightmare, but i need to get it out of the way.

they are going to make me cut my hair when i get back to school...







..

merrymaking

yes, christmas is drawing to a close. this morning i was greeted with the surprise of a new camera - which i really wasn't expecting. i mentioned the desire of one a couple of months ago, but really didn't expect anyone to remember. it was a wonderful discovery. thank you parents :) it's a canon powershot A75. nothing spectacularly fancy, but it takes great photos. and that's all that really matters.

i posted two pictures below. they look better if you click on them. in fact, i'll probably be posting pictures alot more often. but who knows. we'll see.

i hope everyone is doing well and has had a wonderful Christmas. may God bless you all as this year ends and 2005 begins.

hurrah.

joshua, forlorn on christmas morning. 

hurray for christmas. paul came to visit this afternoon. it was alot of fun. 

early christmas morning...

it's 12:29 AM, December the 25th. Christmas. if i were in a different state of mind [a less fatigued one], i may be frolicking in the cold night air around my house.

we opened presents this evening from sibling to sibling, and ones we gave to our parents. i'm happy to report that no one needs to feel obligated to purchase the napoleon dynamite dvd for me anymore, seeing as my sister anna has so lovingly bestowed it upon me. and, believe it or not, she bought it for me before she knew that i wanted it. ah, she knows me all too well. i also recieved a downright smashing longsleeved collared shirt from matt, which fits quite nicely.

the purpose of this post wasn't to inform you of what i recieved, in case you were wondering. i simply wanted to make a point of the young Christmas at which i'm writing this - as a matter of fact, we are 36 minutes into Christmas, making it, obviously, 36 minutes old.

if i continue to write, the things i say will become less and less coherent, which could possibly be entertaining for readers, but humiliating for me. so i'd better stop.

oh - i started decorating my walls today. sometime i'll take a picture.


merry christmas!

i want to go where the silent people go

last evening, i visited with andy and justin in andy's basement. played music and a bit of donkey kong. it was enjoyable. at around 11, tim picked me up, with his brother philip in-tow (who recently returned from school in NYC), and we grabbed some food from Wendy's before proceeding to the Stumbo residence. That evening I had some good talks with the Stumbo brethren, Isaac and Tim, which were very encouraging. We three all feel very similiarly about life at the moment - especially the social scene at our school, which is currently dwindling. i always enjoy spending time with them - there are few other people who i can laugh so readily with.

i am now a supporter of the OC. after watching the first episode, i was inclined to begin the second immediately, which i wasn't able to finish (because i was at the stumbo's while watching it), so of course, i'm downloading it now.

well, i'm officially prepared for Christmas. i went "last-minute" gift shopping with my mom this afternoon. it seems that every year i end up doing last minute gift-shopping - i'm not sure why. it's just the way i am, i suppose. anyhow. everyone is shopped for, and my only task remaining is wrapping the gifts (which i am dreadfully awful at doing... my wrapped gifts look like some sort of mutilated paper mache nightmare) and placing them under the tree, which i intend to do sometime tomorrow.

i saw about a cumulative count of 25 people today, at the mall and wal-mart combined. half of them i didn't talk to, rather i bashfully maneuvered past avoiding eye contact. why am i like that? i'm such a shy person sometimes, i'm not sure that i understand it. because i know sometimes i can maintain a decent conversation, and even at times initiate (gasp) the conversation. i'm not sure. i must have multiple personalities.

this evening (in about an hour, actually), i'll be going to Tyler's home to watch Napoleon Dynamite with a number of people. I'm ashamed to say that this will be my first viewing of the film, although I've wanted to see it ever since I saw the preview. oh well. at least I'm seeing it now. byyyy the way - if anyone wants to be spontaneously giving and loving and wonderful, you can buy me the napoleon dynamite dvd, which is out in stores now. i just thought i'd make that known - and if such a thing were to take place, i'd be forever in debted.

that's sort of a joke - but if anyone feels inclined to make the purchase, don't let me hold you back.

a couple of days ago, i was stricken again with the chapped-lip plague. i now have to carry chapstick with me everywhere that i go.

the music i've been listening to lately: the wannadies, joseph arthur, the killers, beulah, saves the day, muse, keane & a couple of others. i have borrowed several of these cds from friends (little to their knowledge) and i am enjoying them immensely. i would recommend them to most people.

i've suddenly found myself without anything to write about, so i'll end.

[listening to: "silent people" - the wannadies]
[mood: better than usual]

the final straw

i'll be completely honest and admit that i was doing awful last night. i'm not sure what the source of my bad mood was - but i'm sure fatigue was a contributing factor. i could name some other possibilities, but i couldn't explain them well enough for anyone to understand. however, when i returned home (i have been away for the past two days) and read the comments that were made on my last post, i was encouraged. for awhile, i felt that no one was on the same level as myself - judging by the comments i was producing on previous posts. of course, comments really have hardly anything to do with that, but it's still how i felt. i didn't think that anyone was able to relate - therefore, comments weren't left.

i came to a realization. if i can encourage someone through writing on this, then so be it. i would be glad that such a thing could happen. but i don't think my goal should be to write something that people agree with, or make them feel good inside. instead, i should be trying to encourage people on a personal level, through relationships and real conversations. if you know me, then you know that i'm not a terrific conversationalist. i've found that i can communicate much better through writing, and there isn't much i can do to change that. but i think to create healthy relationships with other people, instead of always pouring your heart out to a computer screen, it can be better to connect with someone in person.

i jumped around alot in that last paragraph, and i guess i was hitting on alot of points. i certainly wasn't bashing on those who post their emotions and such, because i do the same. there's nothing wrong with it. but i was aiming more towards the expectations that people have in doing so. i've always seen this "blog" as an outlet to write about what i'm feeling inside, because so many times, i keep things bottled up inside. it's also an excellent way to keep people up to date on what i've been up to. either way, i believe that somewhere in the back of my mind, i had some sort of expectation of receiving commendation on my experiences, or whatever i'd been writing about. oh the joys of being wrong.


i really don't know where i planned to go with all of that, but i needed to write it. i actually don't even know how much of it really applies to me. and even now as i look back on it, i see alot of points that have nothing to do with others, but i'm not going to change anything. sometimes i think it's best to leave things as they are, so that people can read it in its truest form.

i've never watched an episode of The O.C. Go ahead and make all of your gasps of disbelief. I've heard time and time again that it's a wonderful show, and that I really must watch it. I'm appeasing the masses as we speak, by downloading Episode 1 of Season 1. If I like it, I may proceed to watch others. We shall see.

oh, nathaniel, i'm having a bit of trouble with getting to my "edit blog" page at the moment. i'll get the link changed as soon as i can.


[listening to: "fruit fly" - nada surf]
[mood: open&intent]

be quiet, and wait for morning

i was wondering, what would happen if i climbed the top of a small tree, and jumped through the branches, and whilst in midair, made my body parallel to the ground and simply let my self fall. what would it feel like? i can't imagine it would be pleasant. the image that i have in my mind is somewhat entertaining, and that's the only reason that i don't dismiss it immediately. maybe i could convince someone to do it, so that i could watch from the safety of the ground, because i doubt it would be as funny if i were the one falling.

i'm frustrated with someone right now. it's less of "angry frustration" and more of not understanding why they do the things they do.

it's sunday afternoon, and i really need to be going. where to? i'm not sure, but if i stay here i'll continue to post pointless things that interest no one.

this post is reather dreary, and i'll admit that it's very influenced by failure to walk with God closely in the past weeks. i keep telling myself, "tonight i'll read the Bible" or "i'll start praying more soon.." unfortunately, that isn't the way it works. if you're ever going to change, it takes immediate action. you need to start right away to live the way you're supposed to.

that last paragraph was more for me to sort my thoughts out and remind myself of how to live. if it helps anyone else, then good.. but i'm not trying to impress anyone..

if i lied, no one would mind, we'd be fine

i can't quite put my finger on it, but something is bothering me. i wish that i had a philosophical question to ask the masses who read this to comment on, but i have none.

it seems that the only wise choice at the moment would be to go to sleep. somehow, i can't. it's times like these when i'd like to be given the ability to fly - because i would. i'd soar above the united states, looking down on the lights that scatter across the country, and i'd continue across the ocean, until sunrise, when i'd find a small tropical island to live on. and i'd stay there until i felt it safe to return to greenwood...

that's it, i'm done. bothered or not, i need my sleep.

turn off the lights

my eyes drill holes in the ceiling
it's saturday, and i'm "sleeping in"
sunbeams linger at the window
another weekend begins


the rhyming scheme leaves something to be desired, but i wasn't really trying to show off my writing skills. the point is, up until today, i suffered with an inability to sleep in. this afternoon, i decided to do something about this problem. the best solution that i saw, was to gather blankets of considerable size and pin them up over my windows, thus creating an obstacle that the sunlight would have to get through before reaching my eyes. i anticipate this will dramatically increase the amount of time i sleep in the mornings which i don't have school, and dramatically increase the difficulty i have in waking up on mornings that i do have school. but for now, i'm on Christmas break [hallelujah] and waking up for school is the last thing i have to worry about.


what i'm really contemplating is whether or not to find thicker blankets...

the end.

all things end, whether you expect them to or not - or whether you are even ready for them to.

semester 1 is over, and i couldn't be more pleased. on second thought, i could. if i worked harder in school and gotten A's in all of my classes, i think i'd be a fair bit happier... but all of it is over now, so there's no use in looking back wondering what could've been. and i wonder about so many other things besides my grades. this semester has been filled with so many things... and i've learned alot, but i hope that i can start this next half of the year fresh, not worrying about what has gone on in the past.

i had a nice "kickoff" to the Christmas vacation last night, as i visited with Justin and Hyatt. I also went to the Cain's, where we visited with Brooks, Joy, Caroline, and Kristy. We watched the movie Joyride. I wouldn't reccommend it. I doubt I'd watch it ever again, unless someone paid me. Justin and I drove back to his house in the wee hours of the morning. The actual time certainly doesn't needed to be specified. I woke up this morning to a phone call from my mother, requesting my presence at The Polar Express matinee, with my sister and little brothers. It was actually an enjoyable movie - needless to say, the visual effects were spectacular.

I plan to go back to Justin's within the next half hour to play guitar, since we haven't done so in who knows how long. Tyler Leinbach is also having a gathering tonight, so I may attend that as well.

Tomorrrow morning, from 10 to 12, I will be spending time with my driver's ed instructor. i can't say that i'm looking forward to it, but it needs to be done, therefore, i'll do it. i also have driving to do on monday and tuesday, then i'll be home free.

well, i need to go. i'll write more later. and i mean it. Christmas break gives me so much more freedom in terms of posting. hurrah.


enjoy.

foolish

i'm a fool. really, i am. i've fallen for the same thing over and over, and it's beginning to grow old. i'm not going to explain what i'm talking about, because sometimes being an open-book has its drawbacks.

i'm just tired of being like i am - but i can't seem to change. i don't know how.

i don't think i should open my mouth for a little while, and we'll see if things start to improve...

i don't understand why i do the things i do

someone explain human nature to me. explain selfishness and lack of discipline. i'll never figure any of this out.

i'm sorry.

i'm not the best at romance

it seems as if as it has been ages since i last wrote, but its only been a handful of days. amazing.

have you ever been at the beginning of a week that looks as if it will never end? last week looked like that for me, as does this one. you could definitely say that i "have alot on my plate". i have to finish three history outlines for tomorrow, which is also when i have an algebra test. meh. i only have limited time to work on preparing for such things, because i have to go to the children's christmas play at my church tonight, helping with the set and such. i regret agreeing to do it, not because i don't want to help out, but because it's really going to make it tough to get done all that needs to be done. to make things even more stressful, i have drivers ed tomorrow (monday) and tuesday, from 5PM to 9PM. greaaat. i'm looking forward to that.... not really though - however, it'll be wonderful to finally get it over with, seeing as i originally planned to take the class in august.

while sitting in church this morning, i scribbled down a rough schedule of classes that i could take for the next year and a half in order for me to recieve enough credits required for graduation. i'm still not absolutely sure that this is the plan i'm going with, but i wanted to prove to myself that it was possible.

has anyone taken anatomy and physiology? is it harder than physics?


now i will embrace the academic labor that i have been dreading since i sat down at this computer.


[music: mxpx]

insomniac

this is an awful night to not be able to sleep. actually, any of the nights this week would be bad. anyhow, i have alot on my mind, and as i was laying (lying?) in my bed, i decided that i may be able to rest my mind if i wrote out some of the things i was thinking about. hopefully this won't take long, because it's almost 12, and i need to be sleeping.

first of all, i'm having my doubts about governor's school. initially, i was really excited about the possibility - but prayed that God would show me what He wanted me to do. I'm not saying that I know for sure, but lately, i've been thinking about not auditioning. There are alot of reasons that I've been contemplating this - mainly, the amount of pressure that is put on you in that school. not that i can't handle pressure, but it's one thing being away from your friends and family, but then being expected so much of. i guess that's what the school is about, and maybe i'm just thinking unclearly. another huge aspect is the spiritual environment - i've heard that there are very few christians, and that would be pretty trying for me, since i'm already not where i should be, and i'm going to a Christian school. there are other minor details, like not being able to have a car, the curfew - all which are logical - but i'm just not sure if it's the place for me. but i haven't ruled it out, i'm just not as sure that i'm going to apply as i was a few days ago.

if i didn't go, there are a number of different things i could do. and when i say "a number of things", i mean two. first, i could continue on with high school, and most likely return to the Philippines for the second semester of my senior year, and graduate from Faith. or, next year, i could double up with classes, take a creative writing courses from some other school, and graduate a year early. both have their advantages and disadvantages, neither of which i'm going to get into.


with all that said, i'm hoping that i'll find it easier to sleep. i'm sure you can tell that i'm tired due to the poor quality of writing in this post. i can't think.

goodnight.

where was this taken? take a guess. 

could it have gotten any better?

o dark night, have mercy on my weary soul. i have been working for too long, and now that the caffeine from the coffee i drank an hour or so ago is wearing off, i am likely to fall asleep while i am working on this blasted history assignment. when will the misery end?

today was actually a really really good day. but my grades aren't very good.

start your engines

as of an hour ago, i have begun writing the short story that i will most likely send into the South Carolina Governor's School for the Arts and Humanities to accompany my application/audition. i have a rough idea of where i want to take the story, but there is much of it that i am hoping will take shape as i write.

i would appreciate all of your prayers, because i am certainly one for writer's blocks.


in other news, i finished my biology research paper tonight. i have some other things that i'll need to finish for tomorrow, but they can wait until later in the evening.


[listening to: gravity gets things done - the pale]
[mood: intent]

...

Which 1990's Subculture Do You Belong To?



what an overexaggeration.

the world is sleeping

the rest of the world is asleep, while i sit here, pecking away at my keyboard, aimlessly. why? it's friday. or it was, a couple of hours ago. now it's saturday morning, 2:22 AM. i'm not sure why i haven't passed out on the floor yet, but i can assure you that once i do hit my bed, it will be quite awhile before i arise.

i had a very good evening in terms of connecting with friends in the philippines. i "webcammed" with nathan - then he called me. which was awesome. and i was also able to chat with rose, micah, audrey, and josiah. it's times like these that give me doubts about governor's school, and abandoning graduation from faith academy.

again, the matter is turned over to God, which is who it needs to stay with for good.

so i need to start writing things. i'd be lucky if i'm able to get started this week... we'll see.


that's all. goodnight.

....

[stolen from troy's livejournal]

guitars are love
brought to you by the isLove Generator

catching my breath

after nearly an entire week of school, i have reached a point where i am not meant to be somewhere or doing something. i can sit knowing that i have a mere 4 algebra problems to solve for homework, and nothing else. it's hard to find anything more comforting, these days. however, after today, i have little doubt that life will slow down until christmas break. jim fyock and his cohorts are laying it on us thick for this last week and a half... but to be honest, i wasn't expecting to escape this semester without recieving a substantial workload from each of my teachers.

mrs. koschel told me today in class that i was going to be taking geometry second block of next block. she took the liberty of discussing it with mr. davis, and changed my schedule for me. i have no objections. but that also means that i won't be taking any bible classes this year. although i've heard that joey johnson can give painful amounts of work at times, i was looking forward to being in his class.

i've decided that i will audition for governor's school, and take things from there. at this point, i don't even know if i have enough ability to attend such a school. i suppose i'll find out soon enough. i do know that it is a fairly competitive school - and can be incredibly hard to get into. i have to send my application in by january 20th, then i'll be interviewed sometime in march. with my application, i have to send a sample of my writing (8 poems, a short story, or a chapter of a novel... one of the three). i'm going to need as much time as possible to finish one of these three things, so i'm trying to start things now. it's times like these when half-hearted efforts simply don't cut it. i believe i'll end up writing a short story, since i already have several plots in mind.

tomorrow is friday, and for that i am glad. there are more games tomorrow evening, in augusta again, so i guess i'll be going. there are more on saturday, but i haven't decided whether or not i'll go.


that's all for now.

[listening to: the strokes]

Jeremiah 29:13

"You will seek me and find me when you seek me with your whole heart."



[mood: encouraged]

the thieving night

i feel as if my writing skills have diminished into nothing more than a pile of generic words and overused figures of speech - as if overnight, any previous ability stealthily creeped from my body, out the window, and into the dark night. or maybe i'm being skeptical of myself (there would be many reasons for me to do so), or maybe it's this throbbing headache that is having a negative affect on my thoughts. or a combination of several things. but i honestly believe that my writing abilities have been dampened considerably due to the fact that i haven't written in such a long time. it's just like they say, "use it, or lose it". i'd hate to lose it.

and yes, i have a headache, impairing my writing for this evening.



until next time..

you won't feel better alone

i finiiiiished my stupid spanish verb book. it took me every bit of 3 hours to finish it. how is THAT for diligence? i honestly never want to do another of those ever again. i'd rather go to the dentist - and that's alot coming from me. i had to conjugate 50 verbs in 4-5 different forms, and i did a bunch of extra stuff to make it look better. i'd be disappointed if i got a bad grade....

i was just about to iron a shirt that was recently purchased from goodwill when i felt a mysterious bulge in the shirt pocket. excitedly, i looked, expecting there to be a hundred dollar bill neatly folded, waiting for me to discover it. to my surprise, it was actually a wallet-size photograph of a 12 year old boy with a mini-mullet. which needless to say, is only slightly less exciting than one hundred dollars. you can rest assured that the photograph will find a new home in my wallet, where hopefully, it will soon be joined by numerous 100 dollar bills. the source of such things is unknown to me at this time, but i have faith.

well, now that my evening has been completely devoured by the creation of the verb book, and since 11 o'clock is closing in faster than i'd ever want it to, i suppose i should do my algebra homework and hit the sack.

goodnight.

are apologies owed?

i've neglected writing much of anything for the past week. but for a good reason. it was thanksgiving break, and the leigh's were here. it was alot of fun, but very physically draining. i'm not a great host, but i still had a really fun time with zach. and now it's monday, and school is back in session. the only thing i have to look forward to now is that in two weeks, it will be time for christmas break. and two weeks really isn't much time at all.

yesterday i was sitting here at my computer, and began chatting with a friend of mine - anna trammell. we began talking, then the topic of school came up, and i asked what she had planned for the next couple of years, whether she'd stay where she was, or go somewhere else. it was at that time that she reminded me of her plans to audition to go to the South Carolina Governor's School of the Arts, with a focus in drama. when she mentioned this, i remembered my initial interest in the school a year or so ago when she told me about it, but i suppose i just set it aside, and never had thought of it again. the school also offers focus areas in visual arts, dance, music, and creative writing. although the school only accepts the "best of the best" (right?), i'm considering this one of my options for the next two years, even if i only get to the point of auditioning, then them denying me. it's an interesting prospect, however, i'm still only considering. if i were to "apply" to go, i'd most likely focus on creative writing. although music is really my "thing", writing has also been something i've loved, and have considered pursuing as a career in the future. i also don't read music, which would become a problem very quickly.

tonight i have several things on the agenda. most importantly, my spanish verb book. maybe that should have been capitalized. lets try that again. my Spanish Verb Book. haha. I have to conjugate 50 verbs, and make a little book. i'm expecting that to consume most of my evening - or at least whats left of the evening after i finish procrastinating. i also have a bit of algebra homework, and some "optional" history reading.

and tomorrow is a basketball game in augusta. if all goes as planned, i'll be leaving the school with the team at 1:45. yess.

i feel that its safe to say that i had a good day today. really, besides the fact that my lips are chapped, or nearing that point, my spirits have remained relatively high. and believe me, the condition of your lips has alot to do with your mood. ask anyone. except for someone with no lips, because they may become offended. if you do happen to find someone with such a misfortunate abnormality, and dare to ask them (which is a gamble on your life, personally), don't mention my name.

i leave you with that...


[listening to: transatlanticism - death cab for cutie]
[mood: transatlantic]

the one you're leaving out.

i miss my hair more than ever tonight. because it's cold. i initially wanted to grow my hair out for cold weather like this. and now the long hair is nowhere to be found. what now?

i hate fences.

i'd trade my left thumb for some amount of fence-climbing ability.

i wasn't prepared for this

this is somewhat a continuation of my last post, which really wasn't much of a post at all.

i like alot of people alot more than i liked them one week ago, and i dislike some people that i didn't as much. and i won't elaborate. it seems that everyone (" ") is moving on. maybe i should have put "it seems" into italics or bold or something, because it really does just seem. and i suppose it's a good thing. i mean, it's not pleasant, but it makes me understand my initial mistakes. i only wish i could have been warned ahead of time. life goes on, and we're all stronger. the end.

yeah, last night there were basketball games at GCS. JV Boys lost, but, Isaac scored 23 points, which is awesome. And Varsity Boys won...by like 20 points. they all played well... and Tyler was the top scorer. he scored something like 14 points.. maybe 16? In the newspaper, they said his name was "Terry". and that Daniel Callan's last name was "Cowan". i'm sure there were other mistakes, because the newspaper can never get it straight.

so today is the first day of thanksgiving break, and the Leigh's could arrive as soon as 2:00. i have three chief objectives that i need to have accomplished by that time. first, cleaning my room. second, cleaning my bathroom. third, vacuuming the house. goody.


so now i'll continue this day being confused, hoping i'll forget about all that has been going on.

[it's not as bad as i make it sound]


[listening to: how's it gonna be - third eye blind]
[mood: in need of shower]

the terms of agreement

is this your way of fighting back? from you i expected more. i thought we'd end this evenly, but i've thought wrong before.

a dare.

i dare you all to go here.

click.

you say that love goes anywhere

i'm glad that today is over. i wasn't sure that it would ever come to an end, but as all days like this tend to do, it did. after school i went to the moores, and took a nap until 5 o'clock, which is when i arose to eat spaghetti and leave for the games at GCS. the games went alright. varsity girls lost, unfortunately. however, the varsity guys defeated the other team. it was intense. i was more riled up than i have been in awhile, which i'm sure was a sight. by the end of the game, the intensity level was just ridiculous. it was enjoyable...

more games tomorrow evening, kicking off thanksgiving break...

it rained all afternoon, and has been throughout the entire evening. it's actually quite refreshing. the windows in my room are open, and i plan to keep them open all night. with my luck, the temperature will drop drastically during the night to like 25 degrees, and i'll wake up having frostbite. i'll risk it. it's really comfortable in here right now.

i'd advise the whole world to download the song "polaris" by jimmy eat world. it is delicious.


i'm tired, and i need to do a small amount of homework. goodnight...

the candidate wrote furiously, as if to save his life

i wish i could have more nights like i did last night. it was so free from drama and complications, which are two things that consume the rest of my life. i went to anderson with tim yesterday afternoon, to the mall so that he could shop for clothes. he's taking a trip to New York City this wednesday to visit his brother, and he only has (or had) one pair of pants. since it's already snowing up there, he felt the need to purchase more articles of clothing. i felt this reasoning was valid... so we went up there and had a grand time. we saw erin, katie, fle, and ashby at the mall... they were returning from the clemson game. we talked to them for a bit, then they left. we also saw alison gore and her mom, which was pretty cool.

on our way back into greenwood, we took a "detour" and stopped by Tyler Leinbach's infamous Bean Dip Party. There, we encountered the likes of Stephen and M'Cheyne Moore, Kristy Collins, Zach Jennings, Joy Cain, April-somebody, and the man himself, Tyler, who was dressed fashionably in a tight green bowling t-shirt, complimented by brown wool pants. We lingered in the living room for a small time before the decision was made to go to the "Rock House". At first, I assumed this was some sort of lame hybrid of "Hard Rock Cafe" and "House of Blues". Then I heard the story. Apparently, the Rock House was some creepy-beyond-words old stone house in the middle of nowhere, that supposedly had some dark past. So we drove out there.

Tyler drove one group in the Bronco, and I rode with Tim (and Kristy and M'Cheyne) in his car... with only like... a cup of gas remaining in his tank.

I'm not going to go into detail regarding the Rock House festivities, but only rarely did I become frightened, and this fear was only aroused by Tim's ever lowering gas-gauge. and if you know me, i can often scare easily.

we went to a couple of other places before i was dropped back at the leinbach's, waiting for my sister to pick me up and drive me home.

in other news, I've made some decisions this weekend. I'm pretty sure it will end up being in everyones best interests, even if it doesnt at the moment. but i'm pretty sure it was the right thing to do, if you disagree, let me know, and i'll explain it in simple terms for you. if you don't know what i'm talking about, you needn't.

in other other news, thanksgiving is closing in fast, and i'm still undeserving of such a feast. i probably don't NEED it either, i epitomize "out-of-shape".

tomorrow is a basketball game at GCS. i love basketball games, so i'm there. but in order for me to reach the basketball game, i must make it through the school day. what lies in store for me? i know of at least 3 things. 1. an assignment for fyock that counts as a test grade...which i'll have to do tomorrow at lunch, since i left the thing in my locker. 2. a biology test.. if i'm lucky, it'll be easy. 3. a creation vs. evolution debate. this is what i'm probably most uneasy about. all i have is 2 pages of detailed points. i'd hate to read it straight off, but that may be what i end up doing.

it's 9:56 PM, and my body cries for sleep. and sleep i shall give it.

"such an awful tragic night, though i've only done what's right"
[listening to: pedro the lion]
[mood: readyyy]

KILL IT

i am completely FED UP with blogger.com. it has erased two of my posts today, who knows how many more it's plotting to kill. so if you can hear me blogger, wherever you are, i'm not very happy with you right now. get your act together.

i'll post more encouraged with the situation. things are better than they were, however.

how to be dead

i am having trouble breathing. do people hate honesty? is this how you lose friends? i've done everything wrong, and i can't erase any of it. maybe i'm too sensitive. or maybe i just need to leave for awhile. maybe both.

thanks to those of you who made everything so clear to me. you've done a fine job of making me hate myself.

of life and death

do you remember the tiny apple that i had?

i just threw it into the out into the forest, alone in the cold autumn night. why? it has been sitting on my desk for over a month, getting all mushy. tonight i decided that it was far mushier than i like for things to be that i sit on my desk. since i couldn't bring myself to eat such a cute fruit, i felt it was in both mine, and the apple's, best interest for it to be hurled into the darkness.

it's in a better place now.

winning a battle, losing the war

i plan to make tonight the night that i get rest. it's 7:46, and i have no homwork to be doing. i plan to lay my head down to sleep between 9 and 9:30. if everything goes as planned, i'll be getting somewhere around 9 hours of sleep. which would be magnificent.

a correction from my last post: tomorrow is actually the day of the scrimmage, and it's a home game. but i am still going. thanks to the 15 people that corrected me. what makes tomorrow even better is that it's friday, and nothing big is happening in school. yesss.

january cannot come too soon. i long to be on the open road, on my own. the funny thing is, once i actually get to the point where i can take my drivers test, i'll fail. that would make me cry, but it's probably what will happen.


[music: say - sleeping at last]
[mood: good]

i'll wait around

things are pretty good. after third block, i realized this. i had finished my dreaded test, which required me to compose 3 essays, according to previously written outlines. as usual, it was strenuous. somehow, i did finish. and i did hand in my end of chapter questions. i'm so very thankful that it worked out.

things are pretty good for another reason as well. my cds came in today! hurrah. all three are good, and are very suiting for different moods. saves the day = bouncy. sleeping at last = chill. armor for sleep = intent. of course those descriptions are off the top of my head, and probably don't begin to describe the mood that these albums bring about.

it's cold. even with the heat on in this house, my hands are entering the stages of pre-numbness. winter is so close that i can smell it when i go outside. and yes, winter has a distinct smell. or maybe less of a smell, and more of a feel. the way the air feels when you breathe. it's a mystery, but i know that some of you know what i'm talking about.

i'm bitterly tired. i didn't go to gpc this afternoon for that very reason. but i must go to calvary this evening, since i have worship practice afterwards. i don't have homework, thankfully. if i didn't have practice tonight, i'd be going to bed at 9:30. really, i would. i'll succeed at doing that before this year is over. you'll see.

tomorrow is varsity guys/girls first game. it's actually a scrimmage...but it's all the same to me. it's in ware shoals, and i plan to go. because i'm a supportive fan.

it's still cold....

[listening to: armor for sleep - my town]
[mood: cold]

there's an angel by your hospital bed

tonight i am:
- exhausted
- worried
- nervous
- busy
- urgent
- encouraged

you may be wondering why, in the midst of so many discouraging factors, i could possibly be encouraged. i'm encouraged because i see this week as, although lacking brightness at the moment, a chance for God to work His will out in my life, and further reveal Himself to me. it's not the first time. it's hard to completely fall back on this way of thinking, because there is so much on my mind that concerns me... but i've had to do this in the past. and i've discovered that i can let go of my own desire to control my life so much more confidently when i know that i'll be falling into the hands of my Creator.


there are a number of things going on. a test in history tomorrow, end of chapter questions due tomorrow, and ordeal that the entire GCS high school seems to play some part in, and an all-around rest deprivation.

somehow i'm not freaking out or having a nervous breakdown or anything... which is very untypical...because by this point i'd usually be beyond the point of writing anything nearly as upbeat as this is - even with the little bit of beat that this does have. anyhow, it's late, and i have an early morning.

goodnight, all.

[listening to: chocolate - snow patrol]
[mood: .........going to bed]

joy to the world

i was just informed that leigh's are coming for thanksgiving.

which is like...next week.

you don't know how much this lifts my spirits. not that they weren't lifted already. but i'm happy as a clam.

yesssssssssssss.

matador

bull-fighting is stupid. and i'm in a good mood, but i'm very frustrated at the moment. but frustratedly jolly. or jollily frustrated. i'm not mad, just sort of flustered. get the picture? it has nothing to do with bull-fighting...i just thought i'd mention that i don't like it. we watched some in spanish today. i never knew that the point of the fight is to tire the bull out so that you can kill it.

wretched.

a fresh outlook

tonight, i went to the bonfire at the mccravy's. it was freezing. i'm not sure if i've been that cold in awhile. of course, the side of my body that was facing the fire felt as if at any moment it would burst into flames, while every 15 seconds i had to chip icicles from the other side of me. but we roasted marshmallows and drank hot chocolate. it was a beautiful night. and someone said something that i needed to hear. it inspired me to do things differently from now on. i think things are getting better.

[listening to: keane]

more often than not

i'm confused. i'm not sure how to handle things right now. it seems like things would be simpler if i lived under my bed and didn't interact with other human beings. maybe i should try it, and after a year or so, my problems would be solved. unfortunately, living under my bed isn't an option.

i feel like i'm walking on broken glass. if i move too fast, or step in the wrong places, i'll get cut. except it's really not me... it's other people. they seem to have a problem with every little thing that i do, or that's how it seems to be. i might just be blowing things out of proportion, which i suppose i often tend to do. or maybe i really am messing things up, but i'm just not seeing it.

even though i'm not really being detailed about my situation, i'd appreciate any words of encouragement.

tonight i'm going to youth at the mccravy's. i've heard rumor of some sort of bonfire. i'd enjoy that... cold nights + bonfires = a happy steven. this evening may get better. we'll wait and see. oh and by the way, i just made 20+ notecards for biology, on cloning. my mind is absolutely numb.

adios.

[listening to: losing a whole year - third eye blind]
[mood: pleasantly devoid of understanding]

she's all i got, and i don't want to be alone

weezer's 'pinkerton' is almost too good. i think i forgot about it for a period of time. two days ago i was reminded. and have been constantly reminded since then.

friday night was 'midnight madness' at gcs, which is (for you faith people) like talent night, but also kicks off the basketball season for the school. so we have this talent thing starting at seven, then afterwards, at around midnight, basketball games commence. i was in...4 acts. one being my class act, which involves everyone in my class. since this midnight madness was the 10th anniversary or something, we decided to reinact the 'best performances' from the last 10 years. it was a good idea, but the sound system...sort of...did us wrong. so it ended up being disasterous. but at least we had fun...and hey! we got a toilet scrubber (representing the Random Award)....how cool is that? i also performed a song that i wrote, along with ashby, fle, and jonathan. it could've gone better, but i think it was okay. then i did two other off the wall things with the soccer team...it was fun.

afterwards, i went with justin and andy to huddle house, where we were met by a somewhat hefty group of GCS high school students..it was heartwarming seeing so many familiar faces at 1:30 AM. i ate a waffle. andy ate a strawberry waffle, justin ate a 'big breakfast platter', as did tim. then i slept at andy's.

and now i'm here. and i have alot of work to do today..

by the way - it's sunday. nothing interesting happened on saturday, believe me.

ordered...

On their way: Sleeping at Last, Saves the Day, and Armor for Sleep.


the anticipation.

this is the sound of settling

i've made a discovery, probably one that most everyone else has noticed by now. over the past few weeks, i've been pretty moody. one day i'll be fine, the next day i'll be gloomy, the next day i'll be passive, and the next i won't. i just don't know what it is. i guess i could blame several things - sleep deprivation, school work, and all of the other affairs that i involve myself in, most of which i probably shouldn't bother with. but i do, and that's all. hopefully sometime soon i'll be able to regain the emotional stability that i once grasped so firmly.

i have a little list of cds that i plan on buying soon.. and after i buy these, it may be awhile before i buy more. again, my income leaves something to be desired.

• Sleeping at Last - Ghosts [$6.00]
• The Pale - Gravity Gets Things Done [$8.00]
• The Wannadies - The Wannadies [$4.00]
• The Anniversary - Your Majesty [$8.00]
• Starflyer 59 - Americana [$6.00]
• Armor for Sleep - Dream to Make Believe [$7.00]
• Saves the Day - In Reverie [$7.00]

yes, the prices are ridiculous. i have my ways...

in a week or so i'll be starting music lessons, mainly to learn to read music, since i can't presently. i figure that this will help me greatly if i ever decide to pursue music in college, which chances are, i will. i'm a bit ansy about it though, because i've always been awful at following notes...i always get the basic tune of a piece, then make up the rest. bad habit.

i have a biology test tomorrow... and i just finished typing a 3 page study sheet. i really need to keep my grades up, unless they've already dropped, in which case i will need to bring them up. i also have a spanish test tomorrow. i used to do well in spanish, but i've sort of lost my knack. maybe i'm just not trying anymore? that would be sad. i'm really like the prince of procrastination. i always put things off, and i'm so poorly motivated to do anything school-related. it's surprising that i'm doing as well as i am. i also have a history quiz tomorrow - but we've had quizzes every day this week, so it's nothing out of the ordinary. and algebra? i won't go there. it's easy...and that's really all there is to it.

[listening to: title track - death cab for cutie]

i might laugh if it happened to someone else

i am so incredibly tired, i'm almost to the point of numbness. my face is burning, and i can only attribute the burning to fatigue, seeing as i don't have a fever. has anyone else experienced this sort of thing? i also have a feeling in the back of my throat right before it starts to get sore. i'm expecting at any moment for my throat to erupt into a full-fledged 'sore throat'. i also have a headache. but i guess this is what i get for participating in the 10 hour drive today. then again, i didn't have much of a choice in the matter.

once we were there, it was fine ( I was at Belhaven, by the way). I liked the campus alot, along with the students. they were very...acommidating. i also believe that i just butchered that word. someone tell me the correct way to spell it. anyhow, i'd definitely consider the school as something to check out in the future. the distance is nothing short of awful, though.

i bought the new-er united live album while there. it's good. i'm not sure when i last bought a worship cd. last i remember it was in the philippines. and that's awhile back.

the copeland concert on wednesday isn't looking good for me. neither is school tomorrow, actually.

neither is tonight...

or this week...

or next...


[mood: neutral]

all our fears fall on deaf ears tonight

tomorrow i wake up to embark on a 9 hour journey to jackson, mississippi. namely, belhaven college. the purpose of the trip? kara funke, a close friend of our family is playing a big role in a play down there, so our family (excluding the twins) and the funke family are both travelling down there to watch. i hope to drive part of the way down there, to acquaint myself with interstate driving. apart from that, my sister and i will be entertaining ourself with movies that she is renting tonight (i requested titles such as spaceballs, strange brew, planes trains and automobiles, etc..). movies of that nature tend to keep me occupied like no other. i'll be staying in a dorm room with a guy that i don't know. why? i'm not sure. my mom asked me about a month ago if i'd be okay with it, and i just said "sure, whatever". i'm having second thoughts. i did hear rumor that he "likes to play guitar", though. so that may be a good thing. we'll see. just keep me in your thoughts this weekend, who knows what i'll be doing. i'll be returning to good ol' greenwood sunday morning sometime.

guess what? this afternoon happened to be one of my most introspective afternoons of the month. but then again, the month only began a few days ago. nonetheless, you'd think that after these few solid weeks of doing deep thinking i'd start settling down. well, i haven't. still going strong in the contemplative department.

once i get a job, there are a few cds that i am planning on purchasing. here's a rough list of what i'm looking at.

• Sleeping at Last - Ghosts
• The Pale - Gravity Gets Things Done
• The Wannadies - s/t
• Counting Crows - Recovering the Satellites
• The Strokes - Is this it?

there are more besides those, they just aren't coming to mind at the moment. now i'm sure many of you are asking, why not just copy the cd from a friend? well, i have this thing about burning cds. i'm not against it, because i do it often. but sometimes a cd is worth owning. i very rarely burn and keep a cd for a long period of time that i really like... i usually end up buying it. because there is something special about owning the cd, and unwrapping it, and pulling it from the case for the first time. new cds also have a distinct smell... i'm not sure if anyone else has noticed, but i have.

i suppose i'll be hitting the sack pretty soon here. i need to pack some clothes and such... then i'll be good to go. honestly, i could use your prayers over the next week. things aren't bad, but there are certainly trials in store...

...one more thing. this past week at GPC we were discussing a verse in the Bible that talked about running the race with perseverence, and something came to me. i think the Bible puts alot of stress on this point for specific reasons, one being this: we need to run the race to the end. i think often times Christians think that if they serve God with intense passion for 20 years, that they've done enough. they've served God all they can, and then they get to take a break. this may not always be the exact mindset, but i doubt there are many that are much different from this. we should seek to serve God until our last breath exits our body. is that not why we exist? why postpone our ultimate purpose in life? we're to bite the bullet, endure the hardships, and run this race with endurance until the very end.

goodnight, all.

[listening to: start/stop - the pale]

you're always leaving

i've been in a very starflyer59ish mood lately. or maybe i just never realized how much i like them before. or maybe both. either way, i've been listening to them alot, and i desire more of their albums. i am currently rekindling my love for the 'leave here a stranger' cd. i like it alot.

today after school i went job hunting with jon, ashby, stephen and ghandi. went to the mall, and to my displeasure, you must be 18 to work at Sam Goody, Walden Books, and Hibbet sports. so i struck out today, but i did begin to fill out an application for chick-fil-a. why didn't i finish filling it out? wellll you see, while i was filling it out, the manager came out and began to talk to me. asked me my age, and seemed content with me being 16. she proceeded to tell me, "by the way, you'll need to cut your..." motioning to my cheeks. i helped her out by guessing, "sideburns?". "yeah, those...". after she walked away, i tossed the application into the garbage, and left. not in a huff or anything, i just didn't feel that working at chick-fil-a would be worth the removal of my sideburns. haha, 'removal'. it sounds so...drastic. anyways, i plan to check newell's tomorrow. it's one of my last resorts...and with my luck, they'll probably need me to be 18 or something as well.

so let's see... i'm tired. i haven't done any homework. and i'm going to go to sleep. tomorrow is friday for me, since i'm going to mississippi on friday.

there are so many rumors going around. and it was a really big deal to me last week, but i've sort of found humor in it all, as of today. so that's one less thing i need to worry my mind with.


[listening to: i like your photographs - starflyer 59]
[mood: unconcerned]

cut these hands free

i could have accomplished so much more today. but with what i've done, i'm glad.

yes, today were the long anticipated elections. i woke up this morning at the moores to the phone ringing. no one would answer it... but i continued to lay on the couch because it was comfortable..and i didn't want to move. but i eventually got up because i wasn't able to fall back asleep. turned on the news and watched for awhile. i ate a honeybun for breakfast. i really need to eat some salad or something sometime soon. because i really feel like a big honeybun. haha. sort of. my dad picked me up there and i went home and showered and such.

this afternoon i did no work. really. didn't do a thing. i played alot of guitar, cut alot of grass (which i suppose constitutes as work), then left the house at around 4:10 or so to meet mary beth at the bowling alley/putt putt place. after we had an online putt-putting competition (that i won, by the way) she decided that we should see who was really "better".... and i would've of course won...if we had played. it was closed, because it rained or something. so we bowled. and i did awful. i scored 41. and that is really the worst i have ever done in my entire life. i believe i was bowling above 50 at age 8. you may be asking yourself, 'why did he do so poorly?' well, i'll tell you. we were bowling on lane number 5. and 5 is my unlucky number... or it is now. after we bowled, we tried to play air hockey. and it was broken. we discovered it's 'broken-ness' after i had already inserted three tokens. but i was refunded, thankfully. we resorted to skee-ball, and all was well.

after leaving there, we weren't sure what to do. it was around 5:00, and i had to be at the Coffee and Dessert Company at 5:30. so we drove around for a bit, and then she dropped me off at Coffee and Dessert at 5:33. which is about as close to being 5:30 you can be without being anything in between or before.

did that last sentence make sense? think about it, and i think you'll understand. i almost erased it, but i sort of like it.

then fusion. it went well, and that's all. oh wait - i broke on of J.R.'s bass guitar strings. the E string actually, which is quite a feat. or maybe it was just an old string. anyways, i went with Corey to his apartment to get his bass, then returned. then went to mcdonald's and got fries and a drink. then returned. then played. then left.

Andy has decided to assist me, as well as take part in, my web-journalism venture. we'll see how it shapes out. i'm still in 'brainstorm' mode. but i'll keep you updated.

i'm having a terrible time emailing friends. someone tell me an easy way to do it, because i'm finding it very difficult.

and that's all. goodnight to you all.


[listening to: changes are no good - the stills]
[mood: jolly]

shoulder the blame

today i was hoping to apply for a job - either at sam goody or walden books. i was able to do neither. i was thinking that someone would be willing to give me a ride to the mall so that i could do so, but no one could. as is the life of one without a license. i'll try again on wednesday.

after deciding that i wouldn't be able to apply anywhere today, i went with stephen, ghandi, ashby, and fle to play soccer at the Y. and it was fun. i miss it alot, but i've come to the realization that i'm really not good. but i still enjoy it. i cut my arm on the goal (don't ask me how) so there is this long scratch on my forearm. it didn't bleed much, but my upper forearm is really really tense.. and it hurts.

tonight i have fusion practice from 7:30-9:30. i wanted to do something afterwards with...anyone. the guys get done with basketball practice at around 9:00. we'll see, i suppose.


my dad mentioned a couple of weeks ago, that if i were to indeed pursue journalism, which may end up being the case, it would probably be helpful to have a portfolio of some sort of things that i've done. i'm contemplating creating a site for such things. but seeing as i'm horrible with web-related ventures, i may have some trouble. if anyone wants to help, i'd be happy.

well, i think i'm going to try to nap. i'm exhausted.

if i was wrong then i was wrong

tonight i was a little bit frustrated. i was told some news that i didn't necessarily want to hear, but i'm sure i'd find out anyways. but it puts alot question into my mind about some people. i'm not even going to get into it though...

i went to a church picnic this afternoon, and met tim there. we ate, played soccer a little bit, then left. tim officially had the worst night of driving tonight, ever. he made so many..mistakes. anyways, we went to GPC and talked to some people there, then went and did stuff.

and then i went to the stumbo's to wait for anna to pick me up, and i talked to isaac and tim for awhile. and it was informative..

this song, night swimming (by R.E.M.) brings back so many memories. wow...it's really weird.


[listening to: night swimming - R.E.M.]
[mood: pre-sleep]

some things never change

last night i went to katie's house, where we gave candy out to trick-or-treaters. it was pretty entertaining, seeing the different costumes. there were some really cute ones. i must say, sometimes i miss dressing up....sometimes. but caroline and i decided that we were dressed up as "weezer fans", since we both wore our weezer shirts without planning it.

we all took a long walk around the neighborhood, which was pretty fun. a little ways into the walk, i became really... quiet. every now and then i get into these moods, and i just...think. i didn't feel like i quite fit, where i was. i'm really not sure what it was, but i felt awfully unsocial... and i hate being that way. i just started thinking about the philippines... not that i'd rather be there. but i wouldn't not want to be. and that's confusing, so if you don't get it, don't worry about it.

i had about 15 other things on my mind besides the whole 'philippines/greenwood' thing. otherwise, i had a really great time last night.

after i got home, i had a long talk with caroline about stuff. i'm glad that...we talked. but it makes me wonder about some things. i don't know. i really can't explain it right now, so i'll just leave it alone, and hope that it will work itself out.

i love taking pictures from my sister's photo album :) anyways, i just thought that this was worth sharing. 

hunting a pond-yeti

Yes, a Pond-Yeti. A Yeti that lives in ponds.

Last night, Fle, Ashby, and myself rode with Katie and Erin to Caroline Pinsons house. Clarke and Katie Fyock were also there, and Mary Beth rode over as well. Caroline (Clarke), Katie, Katie, and Ashby all rode off into the foggy night on the golf cart - by the way, this neighborhood that Caroline lives in is a semi-wealthy one, and the night is foggier than usual, making it all the more fun. Caroline, Erin, Fle, Mary Beth and I decided to walk around the neighborhood.

We ended up at this old cemetery. I don't know about you, but few things in this world scare me more than a foggy cemetery during night hours. As we entered, I pointed out a huddled mass by a tree to Mary Beth. She promptly decided to go investigate. So i followed. I was honestly expecting it to be some sort of undead creature guarding the cemetery grounds. to all of our disappointment, it was only a part of the tree. After we left the cemetery, we walked farther around the neighborhood, and had a cop pass us and shine his little light on us.

Let me take this moment to make clear that I've had very bad experiences with policemen in the past. For those of you who know me, you knew that, and for those of you who don't....well...I just told you.

Anyhow, later, as we were passing the pond, Mary Beth and I spotted these footprints leading to/from the pond. And they were really....peculiar. They were either really HUGE feet, or really small feet with at times huge stride. We saw more footprints everynow and then along the way. And although I didn't make mention of it, I was convinced that these tracks belonged to a large Pond Yeti, that at any moment would emerge from the depths and drag me into his underwater home.

After we got back to Caroline's house, we watched Friends for a little while. Mary Beth left. Then Caroline drove Caroline and Katie home. then Erin drove me, fle, and ashby home.


and it was a good night.

i'm not sure what i'm doing tonight, but i might be going to the hinrich's. we'll see. i'm so ecstatic about it being saturday. i love weekends.


[listening to: mistakes we knew we were making - straylight run]
[mood: goooood]

greetings from the asian food store!

Today, my parents, along with my two brothers and grandparents went to Greenville. While there they visited the Asian Food Store. To my delight, they returned with all sorts of things that we used to have in the Philippines. It makes me happy. If I had no self-restraint, I'd be feasting unceasingly. Is unceasingly a word? Anyways...

Tomorrow I hope to go see the Grudge with a bunch of people. we'll see if it works out.

By the way - i am no longer discouraged. in case anyone was wondering. i'll write more about it later.

I've posted pictures of my Asian Food Store treasures. enjoy.

[listening to: tiny vessels - deathcab for cutie]
[mood: so much better]

Nagaraya Cracker Nuts - You really don't know how long I've been craving these. They also come in Spicy and Original flavors.  

little jelly things. they are delicious. 

A Pomelo - A sour/sweet filipino fruit, similar to a grapefruit. some people don't like it, but i tend to favor it, as well as Pomelo Tang. 

"Philippine Brand Dried Mangoes - Naturally Delicious!"... so true.  

so impossible.

[mood: discouraged]

how could anyone not love autumn, after seeing this? 

if i'm going to lose you, i'll lose you now for good

looking back on this day, that i was sure would turn out to be a disaster, it's evident that God had the whole thing planned out. it worked out so that i had a free 2nd block, and i was able to accomplish alot during that free time. and things worked out well. but i was still drained in almost every aspect throughout the entire day. after i got to Calvary from GPC, i slept for about 45 minutes in the high school hallway, which may have helped a little bit. after youth, i had worship practice till about ten. and my dad brought me hot chocolate when he came to pick me up, so i drank it on the way home.

besides the school happenings, i've been contemplating other areas of my life lately, and today was a little bit discouraging, but maybe tomorrow things will work themselves out.

i've been taking a few steps in the forward direction over the past few days concerning life after high school. for the moment, i am thinking something along a major on journalism and a minor in music. although those plans aren't concrete, i feel a strong pull to both of those areas. again, prayers are much appreciated. and i do have a couple of years, but i figure that the sooner i decide things like this, the better.

tomorrow i'm going to give school my best shot, go to the Y, come home and sleep, assuming that i'm still alive by that point of the day. haha, just kidding. sort of.

right now I'm reading through the book of Matthew. i've always told myself that I know the story of Jesus, because i've "heard it so many times". but i've never really taken the time to read it by myself, and actually let it sink in.


recommended song of the day: lose you - pete yorn

[listening to: in other words - ben kweller]
[mood: drained...]

daily forecast

i'm going to go out on a limb and predict the outcome of the day, before it has even begun. with no intentions of being cynical, i truly believe that today could turn out to be one of the worst days of my month. or you could even include the last couple months. it doesn't matter. the point is, i'm tired. on a normal day, when i'm tired, i can simply come home from school and sleep the fatigue away and regain some of the precious hours of sleep that i lost the night before. however, today i don't have such a privilege. immediately following school, i'll be going to the GPC youth group (because i play guitar for it). after which, i'll be headed to the calvary chapel youth group - which is my only choice, because i can't go home. after that, i have worship practice, which could end at 10. leaving me exhausted when i get home, in no mood to do homework. that would be fine with me, if i didn't have homework. and the rule on wednesdays usually makes it so that you don't have homework. but i have this sickening feeling in the bottom of my stomach that is making me believe more and more that i'll have an unnecessary load of homework tonight. plus, i have a history test tomorrow that i have to study for. studying for a Jim Fyock history test involves so much more involvement than any other studying for any other test i've ever taken in my life. it requires so much time and effort, you feel as if you've just run a marathon, or something nearly as grueling.

i guess what i'm trying to get across is, if you have a spare moment today, say a little prayer for me. i'm sure i'll need it.

and now i'm off.

the end of a mediocre day

i'd be lying if i said that today was good - but today wasn't bad either. it just leaves me feeling like something was left to be done. but that feeling might be because i just left my dad's cell phone at the law firm. or maybe that's just part of it. either way, today was just... in the middle.

all of my classes seemed to take twice as long as they usually do. i had an incredibly difficult time staying awake in history. when the bell rang, i was wide awake. i really don't know why Jim's voice does such things to me, but i'm thinking i should record several hours of his speaking onto a tape and try listening to it while going to sleep. i'm sure it would knock me right out. on second thought, his voice playing in my subconscious all night may do awful things to my dreams.

i embarrassed myself in front of the entire biology class today by willingly being the guinea pig in one of Mr. Jones's demonstrations. i'll think twice next time. to make a long story short, it involved me sitting indian style in a small swivel chair, cocking my head entirely to the side, and closing my eyes, while they spun me around. when i opened my eyes, i was meant to feel dizzy and disoriented, and promptly fall to the floor. in my case, i fell to the floor without even opening my eyes. i don't know if anyone other than amy (the other person to try it) understands the amount of vulnerability you feel while being spun. it's the most peculiar thing. it's hard to think, and to keep your head tilted to the side, and you feel like you're being spun the reverse direction of which you're really spinning. needless to say, i can't say that i felt too smooth after doing that.

after school, i stood outside with some people for awhile. kicked the soccer around, then practiced with jonathan, ashby, and fle, for midnight madness. it went alright. i'm sure it will come together though. give it a weekend.

i'm playing with tim's band tomorrow at fusion (at the coffee and dessert company). which means that i practiced tonight with them. i'm playing bass - and i never really play bass, so i'm considerably rusty. i'm lucky that they are still willing to have me play. but i think it'll turn out okay. the only reason that i'm really sort of uneasy about it, is that it's a 'college-kid' gathering. and i'm not a college-kid. i've been in such situations numerous times before, and you'd think i'd know how to handle them. however, i don't.


hum...


"...and she said that i was the brightest little firefly in her jar"
[listening to: brightest - copeland]
[mood: passive]

certainly a small apple! 

with much deliberation

i have FINALLY gotten links up over on the sidebar. hurrah.

down towards the healing

i'm doing considerably better than i was a couple of days ago. i was going through a "phase". i'm glad that i'm over it, because it wasn't very..fun. haha. i felt really negative. anyways, all is well.

last night was an absolute...fiasco. after going to the Y and running back to GCS, i went with ashby to stephen's house and showered and such. ashby was going to go to erin's with fle, erin, katie, katie, and caroline. ghandi and stephen were going to the Greenwood High game. i was meant to be doing something with mary beth... we hadn't decided what, at that point. mr. moore was taking us all to the hinrichs for some reason. i guess that was the "meeting point" for everyone. i told marybeth i'd call her once i got there, hoping i would have figured something about by then. i didn't. it ended up that no one went to the game. ghandi went to his dad's house. the same people went to erin's. and stephen and i went to mary beth's. we had a pretty good time. we talked for awhile, watched something on her video camera, and played a game called Mad Gab. I'd never played it up until last night, and it was actually quite fun. Mary Beth won. we also discovered that her phone doesnt work right unless you're sitting in the sun room. haha.

the night after i left her house was pretty fun, but i don't feel like writing it all out. if you want to know, ask me. haha. maybe i'll feel like writing it out by then.

oh yeah - something really funny happened while we were at the hinrich's. ashby, fle, caroline, katie, and erin were all up in the guest room, and we were trying to do the little thing that Mr. Jones showed us in Biology with the chair thing. Caroline started spinning Katie first in it, and it didn't really work. then Caroline got in the chair and Katie spun her realllly fast, and the chair tipped over and caroline fell partly on a desk, partly under the desk, partly on me, and partly on the floor. hahaha. it was so funny. at first i thought she hit her head on the edge of the table, and she might have, but she was laughing too hard to feel the pain.

fun times.

"so fall in love while you can still hold your head up high"
[listening to: pretend you're alive - lovedrug]
[mood: greaat]

born to radiate

i need to go to study. i've neglected it all night, so now i'll try to make up for lost time.

but tomorrow is friday, and that's good. i expect things to happen.

more later.

when they really get to know you, they will run

i've been doing alot of thinking lately. about my life, namely. i've given alot of thought to who i am, where i'm going, and what i've done up to this point. now i realize, that these are rather generalized and common things to think about, but i can assure you that at some point you'll realize the importance of such things, if you haven't already.

i don't think that i'm in the place i should be with God right now. actually, to be completely honest, i know that i'm not. and i think that this lack of His presence in my life is having alot to do with the things going on in my life. i don't believe that God is punishing me, however, for not being close with Him. I don't think that's the way that He works. But I do think that He's heartbroken, having His own creation not pay nearly enough attention to Him - or listen for His voice in all moments of the day. I hope that from this realization, I can strengthen my relationship with God, and sort some things out in my life. prayers would be appreciated.


in other news, my jacket came in today. and despite it being XL, it fits fine. it's peculiar though, because it really fits like a medium on me. and i'm quite confident that i'm not nearly large enough a person to fit so snugly in an XL jacket. but hey, maybe i just haven't looked in the mirror lately. maybe i'm a grotesquely huge behemoth of a boy, being tricked into thinking otherwise. who knows. but honestly, wouldn't that be an awful thing to wake up to? nevermind, dumb topic.

i practiced for MM04 (hahahaha) with jonathan and ashby today. i think it might be coming together, but we'll see. properly termed, it's Midnight Madness, but as a joke the three of us, among ourselves, refer to it as MM04. it becomes less and less of a joke each time we do it. haha.

i might have to take geometry next semester. i don't want to. but maybe it'll be good. er... we'll see.

personally, i can't wait for this semester to be over. i'm tired of it. to be more specific, i'm tired of Western Civilization II.

christmas couldn't come too soon.


"hold on to me darling I've got nowhere else to go"
[listening to: ghost train - counting crows]
[mood - contemplative]

the haircut strikes again

you may be wondering, "how could he possibly need to cut his hair again?"

well, i've been wondering the same thing. the truth is, i didn't need to cut it. the faculty at GCS needed me too, along with several other boys. now, i could understand their reasoning if we wore it messily and didn't wash. but our hair was neat and kept well. so i really didn't understand. anyways, what is done is done, and i no longer have hair over my ears or remotely close to being over my eyes.

happy, GCS?

just kidding, i'm not that upset about it. it's fun to overplay things like this, though. thanks to Lynn Hall, my hair didn't turn out to be a complete disaster, like it could have been if i went to the place by Wal-Mart. They would have destroyed it.

here are my before and after pictures...


a portrait of when the times were good.


the red-eye abounds, along with the...shortness. oh so short!

- steven

"what were you hoping for?"
[listening to: 23 - jimmy eat world]
[mood: short haired]

track jacket!

thanks to ebay, this red jacket is now mine. and will soon be in my hands. if it doesnt fit, i'll wear it anyway.

new thing

since it's the thing to do, i've started to use the haloscan comment system thing. hopefully it works a little smoother and is a little more convenient. thanks to anna who helped me.

wee.

by the way - what is the trackback thing? do i need it?

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

thank you

if i had a gun in my hand, i'd shoot my computer.

i hate writing long blogs, only to have the computer erase them.

it's so cold here

last night i went to the greenwood high game with several people. and it. was. cold. it was probably the coldest weather i've been in in 4 years. i made the mistake of wearing shorts, thinking that the hoodie i was wearing would protect me from getting chilly. nope. anyways. we got hot chocolate on the way home, which helped.

yesterday, me, stephen, ashby, felipe, and ghandi played golf at par 3. chad and mr. wiles met us there and played. it was quite fun, although i've come to the conclusion that i suck at golf.

today was the state cross-country meet. good luck to you all.

i have to cut my hair this weekend. again. it's frustrating.

i nearly fell from the moore's roof this morning.

by the way, for those who didn't know, we lost to beaufort on wednesday. they won state on friday. boo. we'll get them next time. our season is over though. who knows what i'll do with my time now. and now it's the end of the first nine weeks. we had yesterday (friday) off, and we also have monday off. today i need to clean my room (which i've finished) clean my bathroom, and wash the car. then i'm off to andy's.

my vision is shaking. it's really weird. i can't see straight. i think i'll lay down for a moment.


"tonight i'm tangled in a blanket of clouds"
[listening to: walking after you - foo fighters]
[mood: fine]